Tag: awareness

No Real Post Today but Here’s a Great Quote

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, all.

Today’s been a long day. Not too much to say. Had a great morning/early afternoon golfing with some amazing people. Ended the day swallowing my own shit instead of appreciating what I’ve learned over the past month or so. So, in order to bring that back up to the front of my mind, and maybe yours, I figured I might as well share:

“Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lie in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, but I do not cling.”
― Anthony de Mello, Awareness: A de Mello Spirituality Conference in His Own Words

Highly recommend reading this book if you haven’t already. And yeah, the quote is much harder to put into practice than it is to read. You’ll fail, but maybe one time you won’t. And that will be the time that matters.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Writing to Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’ll admit, you probably won’t find anything special in this post. Not much motivation today & I’m starving – breaded pork chops almost finished in the oven. The timer starts now.

Today I racked my brain because of one thing: I didn’t write a blog yesterday. Yeah, maybe that’s not a big deal, but the reason I didn’t write one is definitely a big deal. I was lost, beat up, and felt like giving up. Luckily, I have that support system I keep telling you about. However, I should’ve given myself some support. How? By writing.

I’ve found that no matter how many people actually read this damn thing, it helps me break what feels like a blood clot in my chest. It helps me breathe. It helps me… be me. Writing is truly beautiful. Reading, not so much. I’ve had enough of the self-help books & awareness books by now. I’ll definitely keep reading them, but my mind can’t take the rawness of them at the current moment.

So, yeah. I don’t really have much going on today or tonight. I’m still getting over a break-up and to be honest, it’s destroying me each and every day. I keep fighting because I know I have to. I keep writing because I know I have to. I keep living because I know I have to.

Don’t let this post get you down. This is a good thing. This is a person, distressed, making sure they’re taking care of themselves any which way possible. You should try it, honestly.

Whether it’s writing or… fishing? I don’t know what the opposite would be to writing, but fishing sounds much less intense & self-defeating. Find someone or something that’s an outlet for you. Find a way to to get everything and anything off your chest.

None of you know me. None of you can judge me (because I won’t know about it, but you probably do judge me… how dare you). I do hope I help some people on this. I’m not doing it all for myself, I promise you that. About 95% for myself, yeah, but the other 5% goes to you. I’ve always been a generous guy.

Again, no clue what the hell you’ll get out of this. Just find an outlet, alright? Don’t stew on your bullshit. It’s not healthy. I say that as I spent about two hours this morning moping and crying. Again, just because I type this some nice, feel-good shit doesn’t mean I live it every moment of the day. I fail so, so often. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK to fail as long as you know you can win someday.

I’m hoping tomorrow is that day. I really do. Most likely it won’t be, but that hope keeps me going. Along with this writing. OH! And those pork chops. Time to pull them out of the oven.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

About Last Night

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

What a weird, strange day yesterday was. Who knew standing in a recreational marijuana shop line could bring so much spontaneity into my life?

My buddy & I almost didn’t stop at this shop. The line was long, real long. And to be honest, we didn’t really think we “fit in” with those that stood in line. We were right, but luckily we had an angel standing behind us in line. It was really quite… different.

All we did was talk to her. Just about where we’re from, what we’re doing, and we made sure we listened to what she was doing, where she was from, too. What happened next was something you just wouldn’t expect in 2020. She invited us to her family’s beach house in Cape Cod. We quickly canceled our tee time, got our bag of goodies, and headed an hour and a half to the beach.

From there, the real beauty happened. For hours on hours, we talked. About everything from our work lives to Shamanism (wasn’t familiar with it & honestly still don’t understand it, but it seems really cool). We stood out in freezing water and took the air in. We spoke about what’s worked for our meditation. We all listened to each other intently. It really was an amazing night.

Usually there’s a lot of doom & gloom on this blog, but this goes to show you that sometimes it isn’t all doom & gloom for you. Things can just happen. We made a friend for life just by standing in a pot line. You just never know what the fuck is going to happen: good or bad. This time it was good. Better than good. I’m still trying to recount everything from last night, but part of me doesn’t want to. Why?

The reason last night was so special had everything to do with living in the moment. Being present. Being aware. It’s so very important. Nothing good would’ve came from that trip if we weren’t present. And now? It’s time to be present in this moment.

I wrote this in a café on my phone, so forgive any errors.

Ah, I’ll insert a couple photos I took. Stayed off my phone for 98% of the time but couldn’t resist snapping a few photos.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waking up on the Good Side

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

We’ve all been here. The joy I have when I wake up not already hating myself is substantial. But here’s the thing: It doesn’t always last. Again, Mr. and Ms. Reader, I would love your feedback here, but I’ll share some things that I make sure I do when the good side is meeting me for coffee in the morning.

First things first, get the fuck out of bed. I make sure to get the hell out of my dark house (bad window placement), too, and get outside. I’m blessed with a beautiful backyard, a garden, a couple of dogs, so outside makes sense for me. For you, that might be different. Maybe a long shower, bath, or simply stretching and breathing is your way to maintain that good side. Whatever works, just make sure you identify it.

Some other things you must do to keep that good side around as long as possible; make sure you stick to your schedule, understand that things may not go the way you think they should that day, and most of all, be aware. Remember that you are the person, the only person, that can keep you on that good side. That’s powerful. You have that power.

Does the good side always stick around? Hell no. I mean, just thinking about writing this blog while in the shower, the other side made sure to let me know that I’d most likely forget what I wanted to write by the time I got to my computer. The motherfucker was kinda right (I think I had more influential shit to say, but honestly can’t remember), but still, I made it out here. I made it to the computer. I’m sharing my experience. So another thing that’s helping me right now? Sharing. Again, might not be for you, but it’s worth a shot.

Another essential for me is making sure I reach out to my friends and loved ones on my good days. It’s always a great reinforcement to see that your humor, your smile, and your wittiness is still with you – and there’s no one better to use that humor on than your friends and loved ones. Don’t let it go to waste. Never let this side of you go to waste. Always build off of it.

Also, don’t think it about it too much. I mean, I might be fucked because I’m writing this blog on it. Five minutes from now I might hate the world, but I really don’t think so. Why? Well, I said before… We have the power, not the other side.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Relationships Don’t Work (if we aren’t aware)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’ve noticed in my depression, anxiety, the other side, that I am just not very good at relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. I am good… when I’m good. When the other side is in control? Nah, not good. I mean the shit that comes out of my mouth is unreal. I know I cuss a lot on this blog, but you should see that other side in real life. Actually, you shouldn’t.

OK, back to it. Being bad at relationships, right? It has me wondering, and I wouldn’t mind if you pitched in here, Mr. or Ms. Reader, should I involve myself with anyone else in whatever’s left of my life?

It’s a really bleak question to ask yourself when you’re on that other side, but it’s an interesting question when you’re not. You know you can be good, but sometimes you fail. Actually, it’s not just sometimes. It’s a lot of the time. Like waaaaay too much. How many people that you love have you pushed away? Luckily I can still count on one hand, but it’s getting close to that second hand.

So what can people like us do? We can’t deny ourselves the joy that love can bring, that companionship brings, just because of our stupid mental illness. That’s worsening your own self. That’s denying your good side a chance to show up a bit more often.

But is it fair for the other person? This is the one I struggle with. My mind, everything really, tells me no. But there’s this thought in the back of my mind, really deep back there, that says yes, it is fair. Why? Because there’s something called unconditional love, and there will be that person out there for you, that unconditionally loves you and puts up with your other side because they, again, unconditionally love you.

Also, be mindful. Be aware. Understand when you need to step away. Sticking around and trying to battle that other side while you’re with the person you care most about… don’t do that. Separate yourself. At least for me, that’s what’s helped in the past. It just hasn’t been quite enough. Maybe you’re better at talking it out than I am. Do what fits you best.

Another thing to always tell yourself is you will never know when you’ll find love. It’s stupid to think that you being active on a dating app or heading to the bars will bring you love. Nothing brings you love. That shit just shows up, and when it does, remember what I said. Be mindful. Be aware. Step away when needed. And as always, try your best to think of that good side you have.

I’m sure I’ll write more on this subject, but for now, that’s all I got.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.