Tag: awareness

Pushing On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Hope your morning is off to a great start. Mine is, now I await my 9 AM “Boot Camp” for my new job. Not pumped. It’s very repetitive.

I did have a slight meltdown yesterday. I had some issues with my mental health provider and their front desk. No, I wasn’t being a Karen, I promise. But I wasn’t happy. I almost fired my Psych & Therapist, but luckily they somewhat talked me out of it.

But this goes to show you that no matter how great you’re feeling, that lil’ bastard in the shape of depression, anxiety, or both can appear any time they feel it’s necessary.

Yes, I know we do have control. But I don’t believe we do all the time.

I fought through. Talked to the right people in my support system. Made sure to take care of myself through the sport of Boxing. Hell, I even got headshots done in the evening.

I pushed on, through, whatever you want to call it. I was aware and not at ease — now I’m aware and at ease. It’s a nice feeling. But more growth is necessary. And inevitable.

Push on, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Half Day By Surprise

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I woke up this morning with three extremely painful fingers, a weak right wrist, lower back pain, and immense shoulder tightness. Wasn’t thrilled. Age is a factor when it comes to training, also my recovery sessions aren’t nearly good enough.

Well, I’ve told you lot before sometimes things just happen for us. I thought today I would have to sit in front of this computer and just sit in this slightly uncomfortable pain all day, but my boss messaged me early this morning.

“Have a good weekend?”

Easily, yes. I did have a great weekend. Not even a question.

He followed with, “Boot camp starts tomorrow, how about you take a half day today?”

Easily, yes. My body thanks you.

Now I get it, this is pure coincidence. “This won’t happen for me.” I can hear you yelling back at me already.

But I bet it does happen for you. Maybe not in this exact way, but the world isn’t out to get you. You might be out to get yourself, but no, the world isn’t out to get you. People might be, but you have the power to change who you surround yourself with, what you surround yourself with, and putting yourself in the right circumstances for good things to happen for you.

That’s what I’ve spent the last six months doing. Putting myself in better places, better circumstances so good things do happen. I couldn’t keep getting stepped on. I couldn’t get kicked anymore. I had to fight back and I had to make changes. I’m happy I did. I’m happy I realized I do have enough strength to beat my depression and anxiety, even if it’s just for a few moments a day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Solid Sparring Rounds

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Today is a great Sunday. Coach told me to go whoop that ass this weekend at a “rival” gym and that’s exactly what I did, and that’s exactly what our female boxer did to her sparring partner today. We walked out heads held high. I’m surprised we were invited back next Sunday.

I’m proud of my boxer. She works hard. Harder than me. Crazy thing? She’s in the middle of Ramadan. She doesn’t eat or drink anything if the sun is up. So think about that: She just sparred three 3-minute rounds, one with a pro, and now she goes the rest of the day without water or food.

You lot are probably reading this and saying “COACH, WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER DO THAT?”

She knows her body better than I do. And I trust her to tell me when she’s feeling tired. That’s what a good coach does. We don’t set limitations, but we understand them. It’d be counterproductive for me to set a limitation for her. She knows how hard she can push herself. We trust each other.

Good sparring rounds = one of my favorite ways to start the day. Made a couple guys quit today and for me, that’s huge. Last year at this time I was running a mile in 9 minutes and 17 seconds on average. Now I’m running it in 7 minutes and 6 seconds on average. And it’s only going down from here.

I’m working. I’m working towards something. We all should be working towards something. Find something that excites you. Go for it. Even if it means taking some punches to the gut, liver, and nose.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Make Time

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I almost made a crucial mistake today. I almost didn’t write to you lot. But I made time. (Do I always have to make the title make sense? I don’t know. Sometimes it’s cringe-y to do it.

Phew, that was close.

It’s another busy day. My weekends are usually jam-packed, but this weekend is a bit more mild–thankfully. No boxing training tomorrow afternoon. Just sparring at 9 AM mixed with training my Pops at 1 PM-ish. But the boxing isn’t done today. It’s just getting started.

Amateur boxing is back where I’m at! A show starts at 2 PM and my boxers will see amateur boxing for the first time. I bet you one of them decides not to box after the show. I think everyone else will be inspired and motivated by what they see.

Anyway, I NEED TO SHOWER AND LEAVE THE HOUSE! I appreciate you reading my shit. I really do. I hope your weekend is going well. If it isn’t, well, I’m sure you will figure it out. We always do if we try.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Brené Brown on Perfectionism

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I’m still on fire. This is like the 4th blog post in like 2-3 days. OOOOH, DOGGY.

I wanted to build off my last post regarding love and belonging, according to author Brené Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection. Today we will be discussing perfectionism. Something I’ve always struggled with but just didn’t know I struggled with it, well, at least till I read Brown’s work.

I’ve always bitched at my Pops for his perfectionism, but his perfectionism rests with material items. Putting a desk together the correct way, perfect lines while he mows, etc.. That’s not what it is for me.

Here’s what Brown has to say:

“Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. In fact (opinion), shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.”

I’ve always stood ready to die on a hill that I am not a perfectionist. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Maybe we all are to a certain extent as Brown stated in her book. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s wrong. But it’s worth a thought.

Brown goes on, “I think perfectionism exists along a continuum. We all have some perfectionist tendencies. For some, perfection may only emerge when they’re feeling particularly vulnerable. For others, perfectionism can be compulsive, chronic, debilitating, and similar to addiction.”

That rings true to me. Why? It’s something I struggle with on an hourly basis. I think every day needs to be perfect. Every action I make needs to be the perfect one. Yeah, it doesn’t translate to making sure all the paintings on my wall are completely straight, but it translates into something so much more important for me. And it can be destructive. Being aware of this empowers me.

Remember, no matter how lame it sounds, you are enough. Better than enough.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Quick Change

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Anxiety is a son of a bitch. If you read my last post, you know I’m on vacation and not having the bestest of times. Yes, I know bestest isn’t a word. Let’s stay on task.

I was having a shitty time. Still wish I was home enjoying my routine, but I’m OK now.

This brings us back to multiple posts when I mentioned inevitable change. Here it is. Right now. And it happened quickly.

You can always count on change even when you feel like you can’t count on yourself. But you can always count on yourself, too. Don’t forget that. I almost do every day. But guess what happens? Change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Where Have I Been?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

You may or may not have noticed a significant drop in activity on this blog. My bad. Want the honest truth? I forgot I had this damn thing, but yesterday night it popped right back into my head.

“Siri, remind me to write a blog tomorrow at 9 AM.”
“Ok. I’ll remind you.”

And now here we are.

I’ve recovered from Covid-19–that thing is no joke. I’ve had three days back in the gym and boy, it’s tough. The lungs are shot, the fatigue is still there, but hey, at least I’m putting in the work. Remember, we’re about the fucking positives here (most of the time)! Outside of Covid-19, it’s really been the depression that’s holding me back. If you’re “aware”, that means I’m holding myself back. I know this. Doesn’t mean I can drastically change it in a heartbeat. All of this comes with time. Healing doesn’t happen overnight: not with Covid-19, not with depression. Take it moment after moment or you’ll suffocate yourself.

Let’s hope I can remember I have this website a bit more often. I don’t particularly like setting reminders because the post doesn’t feel “organic” then, but writing something is better than writing nothing.

How are you doing? Are you holding up just fine? Anything that’s halted your progress in the past couple of weeks? If so, I promise you can find a way to jumpstart that shit again. Trust yourself. You’re worth more than ya think–especially that brain of yours.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bar Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Smile to Your Anger

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

I wake up in the morning a wildcard. I may look tired when I wake up, but I assure you, my mind has plenty of energy. At least negative energy. No valid thoughts, judgments, or anything, really. Just anger. Anger at others for no reason. Anger at myself for, well, stuff I still can’t thoroughly determine.

Yesterday morning was one of many examples. I unleashed on my parents, the people allowing me to stay with them as I close on a new house (finally got one this week). This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this is in the past month I’ve been with them. It’s a recurring process of yelling, arguing, & usually followed by many apologies.

To combat this issue, I need to learn how to listen to myself in the morning. How to tell myself this anger doesn’t stem from what’s around me, but from what’s within. I’ve leaned into a book called How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. So far it’s slapped me in the face with how terrible of a listener I am, but I hope to grow from it.

Growing yourself requires awareness. Awareness can come & go, though. Right now I have clear thoughts–in an hour I may have my brain dead brain back. I might lose control. I can’t, though. Or, let’s not say I can’t, but let’s say the regularity of it happening needs to slow the fuck down.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deep to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

How to Fight, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 20

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.