Author: Henry Butterfly

Searching for Something New

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

As usual, I’m midday and lost. However, I think I may have a slight sense of direction from an email I just received.

I’m being moved forward in an interview process for a non-profit. I highly doubt I get the position, but it’s nice to be looked at and considered for the position. But why? Why am I looking for a job when I just started a new job back in April?

Well, to be quite honest with you lot, I’m dying doing what I’m currently doing. I dread my late nights because I have to wake up and do my job all over again the next day. It’s not a good feeling–especially when all you want to do is quit your job but you have a mortgage to pay. It sucks, really. I don’t have any passion towards what I’m doing anymore. I used to love sales, now I’m… well, already burned out? No, I’m just not working for the right company. Not working towards the right goals.

So I’ve adjusted. I understand that the non-profits I apply for won’t be as much money as what I’m currently making, but doesn’t passion count for something? Doesn’t wanting to wake up to actually do your job count for much more than an extra 10-20 thousand a year? I think it does. Who knows, maybe it doesn’t, but right now… I need something different. Something with purpose. And I think I’m on the right track for that something new in my life.

It’s exciting. It’s scary. I’ll keep you posted.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Celebrating Others

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Gooooood morning!

It actually is a good morning. Last night I had a great time with a friend and we followed it up with a drive through a torrential downpour. It was pretty awesome. Downtown is flooded but… it still looked and felt pretty dang cool. (I hope everyone is alright downtown, of course.)

But last night at dinner I found some trouble within myself. I noticed I wasn’t truly embracing and relishing in my friend’s recent successes. Instead, I was thinking if I did anything about as cool/even better. What kind of dick thinks that way?

A lot of us do. And a lot of us need to change that. It all comes down to being an active listener. That whole idea of listening to listen, not to respond. You don’t always have to have something to say back—sometimes a nod is better than breaking off into your own tangent.

Think about it, though. If you give others your undivided attention and just purely listen, there’s a good chance they notice that and do the same for you when you want to share successes or even failures.

Become an active listener. I have said it since my last breakup and I am still working on it daily. I think it’s something we should all work on. Don’t you?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

If You’re Like Me, Read This

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

A friend who shares somewhat similar struggles as me recommended a book recently. Usually I say “OK, I’ll read it” and never follow through.

Well, it helps your recommendation to be read if I’m attracted to you. And that’s the case here. But boy, am I glad I listened to her and my attraction.

What’s this book? Published in 2007, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, provides a gut punch to your inner self. The battle between outer vs. inner. You know, a lot of what this blog is about. At least that’s what I’ve read so far.

Pick the book up if you want to. I’m three chapters in and it’s already caught my eye. Enough so where I’m recommending it this early. Hell, the book could be absolutely terrible by the end of it all. But if you pick it up, at least read through chapter three.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like A Quote Day, Yeah?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s Friday. It’s quote day. Let’s do this!

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

George Bernhard Shaw

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

Mary Engelbreit

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.

Viktor Frankl

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Stephen Covey

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Working in Bed

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Right now I’m writing to you from my comfy bed. Why? Well, I decided to grab my laptop this morning after sleeping in a bit and making sales calls from my bedroom. So far? Very ineffective.

But why am I in my bedroom? I’ll tell you why. The world seems to stop in here. I don’t see all the distractions like who’s doing who on Instagram, how many people are walking outside holding hands, and people smiling as they garden.

Yeah, I don’t want to see happiness right now. That’s the main point here. I’m content with my bedroom right now. Do i hope for more out of myself today? Of course I fucking do, but I also understand this is where I’m at right now. And as I’ve mentioned before, it’s OK to beat yourself up for a little bit. You just need to ice up and bounce back from it once the beating is over.

I think I’ll “ice up” now by taking a shower and walking my dogs.

I’ve had an insane amount of mood swings this week. Every morning is different. I would love to find some consistency so I know what I’m up against every day, but it’s always the same, isn’t it? We’re up against ourselves. No one else. Just ourselves.

I can beat that guy, right? Let’s hope so.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Shift to Optimism

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I hope you’re doing well this morning. (You can tell I just typed an email for work just by that line itself.)

I woke up today feeling a shift. A good shift. An optimistic shift. Weird, yeah? So let’s break down what happened between yesterday where I posted something like “well, this is the end”, to now, where I’m talking about being optimistic.

The human brain is weird, man.

Yesterday I felt of no importance to anything that’s going on in this world–even in my world. Today I woke up, decided to treat myself to some extra sleep, and I’m just starting work at 8:45 AM. And guess what? I feel good about it. I feel good about today.

I really think boxing is the main charge behind my shift in moods. I sparred yesterday with a pro and honestly, I felt like I did a great job. Did he land more than one liver shot on me? Yes. Did that feel good? No. But you bet your ass I landed quite a few shots (and not just shots but combinations) on the guy. It felt good, even though I do have a bruise over my right eye and I might have overextended my right elbow (if that’s a thing). Anyway, ice will fix it all–that’s not the point.

Boxing is known as one of my passions. Something that keeps me going. But I know that’s not sustainable. I need to figure out what’s going on within me so I can better combat what happened yesterday and the day before yesterday. I think you should look at this problem, too. What can you do to better combat those negative days or moments? Once you figure something out, feel free to share. I’ll do the same.

I also had some wonderful help from my very best friend yesterday. He helped push me towards a new career–marketing–and I think it could be a great fit. Sales is getting a bit… meh for me. Hey, I made it four years. That’s not too shabby. Better than the 3-6 months I spent bartending at each bar before I left. My “loyalty” or whatever is much better now. Someone you can trust, kinda. I still have my meltdowns so you have to give me a break every so often.

It’s good to look outside yourself for help, ya know. I made sure yesterday to reach out to those I trust and to those I know will not judge me or dislike me for pushing back. Pushing back is natural for me. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s how my mind validates “ok, well this is bad, but doing THAT much sounds worse, so let’s just keep doing bad”. It’s fucked, I know. That’s why I’m grateful for the level-headed people I have in my support system. More importantly, I’m grateful for those who care enough to sit down with me when I’m feeling… well, like that crazy guy I always talk about (me). It’s helpful. I hope you have one or more of those people in your life. I really do.

When you’re dealing with someone with mental illness, I think a Walt Whitman quote should always pop into your brain:

Be curious, not judgmental.

Walt Whitman

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like the End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

This morning really hurt. There’s no real way to put it or make it clear, but I’m at my limit.

I can’t seem to get anything going. My happiness is dead in the water. I wrote about it yesterday but again, every day feels the damn same. Yes, progress can be made with routine, but I’m 30. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hate my line of work. I don’t gather as much enjoyment from boxing these days. I’ve reached my limit.

So what next? That’s what I’ve been asking myself all day. Obviously I have to keep working–don’t want to end up homeless. But how do I work well when I have zero passion in what I do?

How do I survive when I have zero passion for my life right now?

What the shit do I do to turn things around? Or am I stuck like this, forever? Will I always have one good day followed by a litter of bad days? I mean, I guess that’s how this whole blog started–read the damn name of the blog. Two Sides of Me. Shit, I’m beginning to think there’s 20 sides of me. And 19 of them aren’t good.

And not only does this impact me, but it makes me not want to interact with others because I’m just no damn good for anyone right now. I lash out, I attack, I am irritable. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here.

It does feel like the end. Will I quit? No. Do I want to? No. Is life unpredictable? Yes.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fire Within

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

That title felt super nerdy to write. It’s fitting. I am a nerd.

What’s the title mean, though? Well, as usual, today I thought I was down and out. I even had the thought “Well, once I’m done coaching tonight, it’s just the same old day the next day”.

I hate having that thought. It happens too often.

But I changed it around for myself. I took a quick nap, shook loose a bit, and made sure to reach out to some friends. You know what I found out? Talking to people helps–even if it’s not about the issues you’re experiencing at that very moment. Sometimes the distraction can build you back up. Today, that’s what happened. I’m rejuvenated, fired up to go into training. Fired up to work on someone’s resume this evening. And somewhat fired up for tomorrow.

Will I have that same damn thought tomorrow? Maybe. But if I do, I’ll remember writing this–and I should be OK then.

Things have been scary recently. They really have. I don’t know if I’m just lonely or what, but a lot of my old self is resurfacing. A lot of anger, anonymous from the source, and a bunch of misdirected emotions. Something tells me I’m in for a rough month, but hey, let’s give it a shot and at least see what happens, yeah? It’s not the end of the world.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Confusing Days

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Sometimes my days consist of me fighting off all the negativity within my head. Today was one of those days—and I never got ahold of it.

I know I can drop this moment and move forward, move past it. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter—right?

Wrong.

I need to figure out why I have so many poor days. So many days where my mind traps my body. I speak about awareness, but I have so much to work on in that area. Let’s do this together, yeah?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Breathing

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I hope you are doing FANTASTIC today.

Another quick post. Sorry, it’s just a habit now to write. I thought I’d be done considering I hit that 100-day streak, but nope, here I am. I’m going to be done apologizing about this now, too.

Breathing. It’s interesting, isn’t it? We don’t even notice we’re doing it half the time. But it’s so very important.

I just finished up running a couple of miles and I finally figured out what was holding me back from getting to my goal: My breathing. Once I adjusted my breathing to the cadence of my running, everything fell into place. Some might say that’s a metaphor. Some might say that’s deep. But I meant it literally. However, we can turn it into a metaphor.

The cadence of your life must be combatted or matched by your breath. Well, it doesn’t have to, but you’re better off when it does. Think about it. When you’re freaking out, right, what happens? You breathe heavier, faster, things get out of control. Slow. It. Down.

You’re having a splendid day. Everything is going well. Your mind and body are relaxed. What’s helping that? You, breathing correctly. Keeping it slow, relaxed, calm, etc.–all that helps you maintain that splendid day. If you start freaking out, well, you know one thing you can turn to is “How am I breathing right now“?

I’d like to look into what’s called “breath-work“. I know it’s getting quite big in the meditation world. Maybe I’ll try it out and get back to you lot about it.

Remember, breathe. Be aware of how you’re feeling and breathe accordingly. It’ll help. I promise.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.