Trouble Brewing

Hi, everybody.

Welp, the trip isn’t going as planned. I’m having issues sleeping, issues eating, issues being nice, and well, just everything.

I’ve turned back into an absolute jerk. Why? Can’t really pinpoint it. I think I didn’t *need* this vacation. Hell, I don’t know if I even wanted it. I miss my boxers. I miss my dogs. I miss my friends. I miss the life that I finally got back on track.

I did move my flight back up one day. Thankfully. No, this isn’t failure. This is me trying to solve the problem. Or avoid it? Who the fuck knows. I’m lonely here.

Yeah, it’s only a few day trip, but every single moment for an individual who struggles with depression and anxiety feels 25x longer than your average dude.

My nightmares returned. Sleepless nights full of sweat. I didn’t miss these.

I set a reminder to write a blog yesterday. It popped up again today and I moved it back again. Then I just decided to fucking write. I don’t think it’s doing much, but at least I’m heard here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Off To Florida! Routine Threatened?

Hi, everybody!

Tomorrow I head to Florida. Family trip. Pretty pumped, don’t get to do this too often. Won’t have my computer but I’ll try to post from my phone if I think about it.

And yes, I promise, I am pretty pumped. Am I a bit worried? Not really, but kind of. I’m leaving my routine for a week, which is going to be a bit odd. Now, my routine does shift throughout the week, but the meat of it stays the same. This next week, everything will change. I’ll be around my parents often, which is always a challenge for me. It’s nothing to do with them. It’s everything to do with me. I need to stay aware of that while I’m gone.

But I always tell you lot we can’t spend our time worrying. We can’t focus on just the negatives. We can’t. We’ll go mad. We’ll have to start a blog just to keep our head above water… oh, wait.

The positives? Plenty. You want to know what I can’t wait to do? Jump rope in beautiful weather with water around me. Run in the sand. Shadow box in the sand. Try new training exercises with natural resistance.

“BUT IT’S A VACATION!”

Exactly. That means I can do what I want with my own time (which should really happen all the time, not just vacation). Right now, what makes me happiest is training myself both physically and mentally. I plan to continue to do that while I’m on vacation. Looks like the meat of the routine isn’t threatened whatsoever.

It took writing to understand that. Ain’t that beautiful? I had a question to start with and through writing, I was able to figure out an answer. Fuck, I love this shit. It’s amazing what we can do ourselves even when we’re worried, scared, in fear. Trust yourself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Moving Out

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Monster

If you’re like me, you wake up without a clue on how you’ll feel for the rest of the day. And guess what? It’s our choice on how we want to feel. Now, do we get to that point of feeling good? That’s always up in the air.

I go to bed scared. Honestly, I do. It’s why I’m usually up till two, sometimes four in the morning. It’s scary as fuck to wake up. To bring your mind through its own warzone each & every day.

Wake up, look in the mirror, say you’re shit, take a shower, feel a bit better, get some food in ya, play with the dogs, see if the sun is out. Sun is out? Ah, damn, looks like you need to fill your day with shit. Ah, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, can’t really see anyone. What now? Do you read tonight? Maybe study? Will you have focus for that? Do you have any focus right now? Eh, maybe it’s best if you do everything tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better, right? Has to be.

I swear this thought process happens every morning for me right now. I don’t see an end to it. Each day is relatively the same. Yet, I do have my good days. These are days I need to build from. Days I need to recount when I’m having those shitty moments in the morning. Remember on long drives that I don’t always think negatively about myself. Stop torturing myself for my past.

Life’s full of ups & downs & guess what, we have to fucking deal with them. I’m sorting out mine. I hope you are, too.

Real quick, I read a quote not too long ago, forgive me for not remembering where I found it, but I want to put it on here.

“It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.”

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Uncertainties

All of us have them. I mean, just look at today. Did I wake up today thinking they’d finally announce who won the presidency? Nope. I thought it’d take longer. I was uncertain about it.

This flows into almost everything in my life right now, outside the love I have for my family, friends, & of course the doggos. I don’t know what I’d like to do for work, even though many think I’m very happy with my current career. I’m scared as shit to move out of my house, even though many think I’m only experiencing excitement with the move. The list goes on & on.

But that first thing I mentioned is important to remember. We all live with uncertainties. What I’m living through is no more special than what you are living through, or what your significant other might be going through. It’s up to me to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, how I’ll respond, & how I’ll combat any negativity down the line.

I’m uncertain about quite a things in my life, but I’m not uncertain about my strength.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.