I’m Still Here

Hi, everybody.

It’s been a minute. I’m still here but quite a bit has happened over the past few weeks. In this blog, I’m simply going to recount what’s happened here for my own wellbeing. I’ll see if I can break down a few things down the road once I’ve fully grasped them and the impact they end up making in my life.

It hasn’t been good. Not saying there hasn’t been anything good. I got a new job (it should be fantastic) and I’m going to be OK financially thanks to some help. I’m grateful for what I have around me.

But the past two weeks have been a shit show.

I…

  • Lost my dog, best friend of 11 years
  • Lost my girlfriend
  • Totaled my car
  • Phone stopped working from a system update
  • Didn’t get to box because my opponent found himself in jail
  • Cried repeatedly for the past two weeks

But I made it through all the bullshit. I did my best to let it pass through me. Did it win at times? Oh fuck yeah it did. I lashed out, I became the old me, I unleashed everything I dislike about myself. But this time it was slightly different-I was aware of what was going on. Now I still couldn’t stop it and that’s a problem I need to work on, but at least I could feel it build. I could sense where my mind was going.

I can’t thank my support system enough for their help over the past two weeks and well, my entire life. I love you lot. And readers, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve wanted to write but I’ve been sad. I’m looking to work on that, too.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like the End

Hi, everybody.

This morning really hurt. There’s no real way to put it or make it clear, but I’m at my limit.

I can’t seem to get anything going. My happiness is dead in the water. I wrote about it yesterday but again, every day feels the damn same. Yes, progress can be made with routine, but I’m 30. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hate my line of work. I don’t gather as much enjoyment from boxing these days. I’ve reached my limit.

So what next? That’s what I’ve been asking myself all day. Obviously I have to keep working–don’t want to end up homeless. But how do I work well when I have zero passion in what I do?

How do I survive when I have zero passion for my life right now?

What the shit do I do to turn things around? Or am I stuck like this, forever? Will I always have one good day followed by a litter of bad days? I mean, I guess that’s how this whole blog started–read the damn name of the blog. Two Sides of Me. Shit, I’m beginning to think there’s 20 sides of me. And 19 of them aren’t good.

And not only does this impact me, but it makes me not want to interact with others because I’m just no damn good for anyone right now. I lash out, I attack, I am irritable. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here.

It does feel like the end. Will I quit? No. Do I want to? No. Is life unpredictable? Yes.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Complicated Problem (To Me)

Hi, everybody!

Well, I’m back. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that or not. I am back home. And booooy does it feel good. Doggos are being doggos, running around like crazy, begging for food and walks. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But I have a problem.

Since my significant other has been gone, I’ve noticed I don’t share the connection I thought I had with them. Things scare me about the relationship, mainly age and where we’re at in life. We’ve went through completely different lives. I’m at a loss. They have been away and when they’re back, I may have to break it off. I’m beat up about this. But I shouldn’t be, should I? At least I’ve realized this. I can’t break up with them while they’re in another country, obviously, that’s heartbreaking. But I do want to have a talk to them in-person. I want to let them know I’m not happy with how things are now that we’re dating.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I do this every single time. I jump into something and realize I’ve fucked up about two weeks in. It’s terrible.

So what do I do? Well, maybe my feelings will change after the next week. Maybe they’ll change before they gets back. Hell, it has been a long month and this week has really put a dent in my mental stamina. But maybe it won’t. Maybe my feelings won’t change.

And what about this pattern I have? What do I do about that?

Usually when I write… I get to solutions for myself. This time that’s not the case. I guess I’ll have to keep digging deeper, try to understand what I’m feeling a bit more, and hopefully receive some advice from friends… if I have the balls to mention this.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feelin’ “Blah” Again

Hi, everybody.

Welp, this is why the site is called “The Two Sides of Me” because guess what?! I’m back in the dumps. Why? No fucking clue. Can I get out of it? What do you think I’m trying to do here?!

I know I’m in control of myself now. I can push myself through these “blah” days and fuck, that feels amazing. Each word I’m typing here is freeing me of that negative mindset, that mindset that I’m not good enough for today. Writing is so damn powerful.

But I’d love to find out why I feel this way so very often. What am I doing the night before to make me wake up in such a slump? Or is it something I’ll just have to deal with the rest of my life? I think it’s that. I think I’ll be dealing with this poo for the rest of my life… but to be honest, I’m OK with that. I know I’m strong enough to push through and if I’m not, I have a support system to back me up. I’m blessed. I’m grateful.

What about you, though? Are you taking a moment each day to check in on yourself to see how you’re really doing? Not your Instagram, not your Twitter, but your real life. How are you actually doing? If your blood pressure spikes reading that question, take a deep breath. You’re not fucked. You’re just aware now. That’s powerful.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick But Sad (Maybe?) Thoughts

Hi, everybody!

I’ll make this quick. As I mentioned yesterday in my post (oh my gosh, you didn’t read it, did you? Don’t worry, I got you), I put in my two weeks at a company I’ve worked for over the past three years.

One thing I didn’t notice? Well, a lot of people care about me in this company. I’ve had such nice words come my way over these past 24 hours. It’s been really great. Also has me a bit in my feels. But you know what this tells me? I know I’m a good person, and it looks like others know it, too. Feels kinda good, not gonna lie. Especially with how much I’ve told myself that I’m shit over this past year.

I really do hope I’m able to hold on to some of these relationships as I move forward, but we all know how that ends up turning out. Luckily we have LinkedIn, IG, Twitter, texts, etc., to stay in touch. Shouldn’t be tough, right? It still is.

Anyway, not really sad thoughts after I’ve typed it out. Again, this is what’s wonderful about writing. You learn about yourself and work through struggles, naturally.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.