Tag: Routine

Lacking Color

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Not going to say much today. Just using this as a way to get some shit off my chest. Yesterday I had flowers delivered to an ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what I thought would come from it, but it’s not hurting as bad as I thought not receiving a message back from her. I think I can find closure through this… super odd thing to do. It was probably dumb. I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost.

I’m losing purpose in my everyday life. Each day again feels the same, gray, distant. Each day feels like there’s something crucial slipping away. Each day I feel like I’m wasting. Everything is gray.

I go into the office more to get away from my own thoughts, but here I am in the office only thinking of my thoughts. What an odd sentence. But I can’t help it – my focus isn’t there. I’ve tried changing up my routine, how I’m treating myself, and a few other aspects of my life, but I keep finding myself worse off than before.

And I very well could be bitching about absolutely nothing. Who knows what’s valid to complain about nowadays. Who knows what to do when you struggle with depression and anxiety every single damn day. You just take it on the chin and move on. That’s it. You tell everyone you’re okay. It’s better that way.

Everything is gray. And I have nothing left to say.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Need To Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hello, everybody. Good morning.

I put a reminder in my phone last night to blog, but on Thursday. I couldn’t wait. I don’t have much to say, but I’m sure that will change as I continue to type this out.

I’m currently at the dog park. This is my routine now: Wake up at 5, work out, dog park, work, work out/coach, stay up far too late, and repeat. It’s not sustainable, but I’m somewhat enjoying it.

My main problem right now are my relationships with people. Family, friends, potential romances. I’m shut down and closed off from it. I’m not finding joy in people or myself, and it worries me.

So what can I do about that? Not quite sure. Started with this — and I have my monthly therapy session on Friday. Things usually turn around, but I’d love some stability with my happiness. I know it’s on me, but I promise I’m trying. It’s just not easy. Never let anyone take that validation away from you. You feel how you feel – and only you know how strong that grip is around you. No one else.

I think I’ll start by continuing my routine, and maybe I step outside my comfort zone and ask a woman to dinner this week. Maybe I go grab a drink with a friend. But hopefully? Hopefully I find happiness within myself. And I hope the same for you, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quick Update: CO Trip

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I meant to write this yesterday but I was just a bit too tired. The girlfriend and I spent the weekend in Golden, CO and not to sound corny… but it was an absolutely golden trip.

Yeah, corny.

Anyway, it was a trip filled with no plans. We knew we wanted to hike. Where? We figured we would find that out when we were there. We did and it was an absolutely gorgeous (and tiring) hike.

We didn’t have food plans but we never had a bad meal. If anything, our lack of knowledge going into some restaurants surprised us in a good way.

I learned this trip that not everything needs to be in a routine. Sometimes it’s necessary to be impulsive and just choose what you want to do in that moment while you’re in that moment. You can worry about the consequences later (most of the time).

I enjoyed my trip. The girlfriend enjoyed it, too. Now it’s back to the daily grind but guess what? I’m recharged. Self care matters, people. Make friends with it.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Structure Changes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Is not hearing from me every single day nice? I bet it is. Also, it helps me keep this blog filled with good content, not fluff. Although you could make an argument that literally everything I write on here is “fluff”, but I hope you don’t take it that way.

One of my English professors always talked about stream of consciousness in writing and I believe that’s kind of what I do best. So yeah, that’s why you read what you read from me. I just think and type, think and type, think and type. I usually come in here with some type of structure or plan, but I veer away from it in record time almost always.

Like I almost just did.

Today I wanted to talk to you lot about how things are going with me (SURPRISE!) and what I’ve noticed after slowing down my writing.

  1. I don’t have anxiety/stress from the “need” to write to you lot
  2. I am able to have more freedom in my mind and I don’t feel the need to “solve the problem” right away
  3. I’m embracing each moment and letting it run through me
  4. I feel better about who I am

Now not all that can be contributed to me stopping the streak (accidentally). A lot of that has to do with how I’ve been structuring my days. Simply put – I really haven’t been structuring my days. It’s kind of freeing. I’ve been much more open to going out and doing random things. I don’t play nearly as many video games so I’m staying away from screens a bit more. Shit, I even booked a Colorado trip with a new girlfriend. Yep, I said it. Girlfriend. Crazy, innit?

But yeah, things are changing for me. I might even have a new job soon. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to always keep you lot posted on anything going on in my life, sometimes annoyingly so.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Going Through the Motions

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s exactly what it sounds like. I finally understand the “Mondays” joke now. Well, it still isn’t funny but I get it. I get it. Mondays do suck. It’s always a reminder that I’m right here back at my desk making cold calls and sending out creative emails. Yet I’ve run out of creative things to write. I mean, there’s proof right here on this blog.

Am I overdoing it? Do I need to take a break or maybe make a shift (through a vacation) to reset myself? I feel like I’ve relived the same week for about two months, do any of you struggle with that? I’m curious. I can’t be the only one, right?

But I am tired of going through the motions. It’s only 11 AM CT and I’ve hit my goals for work today. What do I do for the next six hours? Who the fuck knows, really. I will probably mow my lawn, take my dogs on a second walk, and hopefully not nap. Napping always puts me in a bad mood. However, it’s hard to keep your mind stimulated throughout the day when you’re just running through the motions. And when the mind isn’t stimulated, the body tends to wilt.

Let’s shoot for change today, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The Obvious Importance of Sleep

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Guess what? I’m TIRED! Why? Well, my sleeping habits are getting out of wack again. Why? Well, I think I’m thinking too much. I mean, even in that sentence alone I thought a bit too much.

OK, we’re getting off track.

I’ve noticed the importance of sleep over the past two days (NO WAY!). Things have been weighing on my mind, not allowing me to fall asleep at a decent time. My appetite is impacted, my energy level is obviously impacted, but most importantly–I’ve been a real dick since I’ve been this tired.

I talk about awareness a lot. Right now I’m aware of the situation, but now it’s about SOLVING it. Easy answer to this, right? Just go to sleep earlier. Well, it’s not that easy. You’re forgetting the whole “thinking too much about thinking”. It really does prevent good sleep. So I need to dive deeper into that and figure out why I’m struggling to let myself sleep.

Or do I need to dive deeper? That involves more thinking. Maybe I reach out to you lot once again (I received 5-10 amazing ideas for new hobbies yesterday so I think fielding this question to you lot is a good idea). What do you do to settle your mind (most important) so you can make sure you fall asleep at a time that’s good for your body the next day?

Also, how the hell do you keep a routine for sleep? I’ve always wanted to go to bed around 11 PM, but my mind simply won’t let me do that. Shit, just yesterday I thought I’d be asleep by 12 AM and all of a sudden it was 3 AM. I can battle through the fatigue, but I’d rather not chug two glasses of cold brew every morning.

I consider us teammates at this point, readers. We’re in this together. When I’m feeling bad, you pick me up. Hopefully when you’re feeling bad, this blog helps pick you up just a tad. If it doesn’t, that’s fine, that’s not the intention here. The purpose of this blog is strictly therapeutic for me–but if anything else comes along with it, I’ll take it. Just like I’d take more sleep at this point. Nap time? Can’t. Work.

But I will nap today. Don’t you even dare bet against that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pre-Nap Quick Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Yes, I’m a grown ass man that takes naps in the middle of the day. I work from home, alright? Little human interaction, in front of the computer all day–it actually does get tiring. Sometimes it’s nice to shut the eyes for a bit to get a recharge.

But I always take thoughts to bed with me. I don’t know about you lot but I feel like that’s pretty normal. So… what are my thoughts today?

  • I’m worried I’m not driving enough results at work
  • I’m tired (duh)
  • I love my dogs so very much and thank them every day for being my work from home buddies
  • I really want a vacation
  • I’m excited to spar tonight
  • I’m excited to nap right now
  • Do I ever write anything of importance?

That last one digs at me sometimes. I’ve been writing on this blog for… 74 or 75 days straight now. Is it too much? Are you lot tired of reading about my routine, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, etc.? Do I need to slow it down? Should I shift my focus to larger blog posts?

I DON’T KNOW. This is part of my routine and I very much enjoy doing it. Keeps my head on straight. But I don’t want you lot reading nonsense every day. I appreciate you and want to make sure that when you do click into one of my blogs, you enjoy it. So if you have any ideas, tips, whatever it may be, feel free to comment below.

NAP TIME!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The Importance of Routine (For Me)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I write about routine quite often, but it’s really important to me. So here I go again, writing about it. Do I routinely write about routine?

My routine does vary. I promise you. I don’t do the same exact shit every single day, but I do make sure to knock a few things off my list each and every day. What does this do for me? Well, it tells me that I’m still on track. That I’m not losing my shit and I’m not a piece of shit. It reminds me of the progress I make throughout the day. It reminds me, even when I’m down and out, that I can get shit done.

It may be a small part of life but I truly think it’s important one. Now, a routine isn’t for everyone. I’ve known plenty people in the past that a routine does the exact opposite for them. It stresses them out. Makes them feel boxed in. All that jazz. For me, it’s different.

So, what do I make sure to include in my daily routine?

  • Blog (even if I don’t have much to write about… as you’ve seen)
  • Dog walk (sometimes 2x, sometimes 3x)
  • Workout and/or coaching (sometimes light, most of the time heavy)
  • SOMETHING for breakfast (yogurt, toast, or a full-blown American breakfast)
  • 5-10 Minutes at night to sit with my dogs and just breathe

Now there’s plenty else involved. Sometimes I do a bit of graphic design. As you all know, I do hold a full-time job, too, so that’s included in the routine.

But it’s very important for me. I don’t know if you lot are mostly routine people or not, but if you are, make sure you understand the real significance in having that routine. You aren’t just “going through the motions”, you’re doing part of what makes you, you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Month Change

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

I’m slightly worried. Tomorrow my girlfriend leaves for Egypt for a month. No, I’m not worried about what she’ll be doing in Egypt, but a lot of my time is spent with her. Whether it’s hanging out, grabbing dinner, or boxing, we spend A LOT of time together. So that will all change–and for a month at that–scary.

I plan to spend plenty of time on myself. Also, my wallet will thank her for leaving for a month (we eat out a decent amount, it’s one of my favorite things to do and hers as well). But again, I am worried. I’m a man that enjoys structure, routine, sometimes the same ol’ same ol’.

But I have my support system with me as always. Also, she’s just a WhatsApp message away. Who will be my new training partner for the next month? No clue. I need to figure that out quick.

I think I’ll spend a good amount of the next month writing to you lot, too. I hope you don’t mind. I consider those who read my blog some of the people that know me the best. You know the real me. The vulnerable me. And someone needs to know that side of me.

Let’s push through this together. With the help from you lot, I can do so much more than without you lot. When I write, I feel better. When I write to you, I feel a whole lot better.

I’m going to spend the rest of the day enjoying time with my girlfriend before she leaves. I hope she has a tremendous time, but I will miss her.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Sprints

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Mornings are always odd for me. Same could be said about afternoons and evenings, though.

But today we’re talking about mornings. My mornings consist of waking up a tad bit too late, scrambling to walk my dogs, followed by scrounging for anything in my fridge for breakfast. Usually there isn’t much. I still haven’t picked up any yogurt.

I’ve mixed in something else into my morning: sprints. Yeah, I’m crazy. For some reason running wind sprints at 8:30 AM at the age of 30 is something that I in fact do. What the fuck.

Anyway, there’s again not much to this post. I’m hurting, honestly. I’m sprinting away from my problems. Away from work. Away from communication. Away from everything.

I want things to stop. I want to feel good again. I. Don’t. Know. What’s. Wrong. Now.

And it’s scary. But I have you lot to write to, so thank you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.