Today I Can’t Talk

Hi, everybody!

BIG study day for me today. Final assessment out of the company boot camp tomorrow morning. Also, today’s a day I like peace and quiet. Along with the pressure for the presentation tomorrow, it happens to be the anniversary of my brother’s death today.

I can get further into detail about all of this stuff at a later date. Today my goals are to keep my head down and study, be there for my parents at the cemetery, and play some damn good sand volleyball. That’s all I got for you today. Heart is racing quite a bit and it’s racing more as a type, so it’s time to sign off devices.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Another Good’un

To be quite honest with everyone reading this blog regularly, the last few days I’ve been a nightmare. I turned another corner for now, though.

Oh! Happy New Year, errybody! Can we kill the 2020 jokes now? I think they’re a bit worn out.

But today I had an upturn, uptick, whatever you want to call it. I started the day with a fantastic boxing coaching session with a lady friend of mine, followed by a dog party of four, finished with a bit of side work.

Oh! I also got the inspection on my new house done today. The inspector said nothing but glorious things about the structure & innards of the house. Very happy to move into this place soon. I need to get out of my parent’s house. Bad.

Well, that’s all I have today. Just another day where I want to write to you lot. I really do hope you’re doing pretty damn awesome nowadays.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Smile to Your Anger

Hi, everyone.

I wake up in the morning a wildcard. I may look tired when I wake up, but I assure you, my mind has plenty of energy. At least negative energy. No valid thoughts, judgments, or anything, really. Just anger. Anger at others for no reason. Anger at myself for, well, stuff I still can’t thoroughly determine.

Yesterday morning was one of many examples. I unleashed on my parents, the people allowing me to stay with them as I close on a new house (finally got one this week). This wasn’t the first time I’ve done this is in the past month I’ve been with them. It’s a recurring process of yelling, arguing, & usually followed by many apologies.

To combat this issue, I need to learn how to listen to myself in the morning. How to tell myself this anger doesn’t stem from what’s around me, but from what’s within. I’ve leaned into a book called How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh. So far it’s slapped me in the face with how terrible of a listener I am, but I hope to grow from it.

Growing yourself requires awareness. Awareness can come & go, though. Right now I have clear thoughts–in an hour I may have my brain dead brain back. I might lose control. I can’t, though. Or, let’s not say I can’t, but let’s say the regularity of it happening needs to slow the fuck down.

We “kill” our anger by smiling to it, holding it gently, looking deep to understand its roots and transforming it with understanding and compassion.

How to Fight, Thich Nhat Hanh, Page 20

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Holding On

In my last post, I mentioned I was moving out of my first home ever purchased. So far, to the naked eye, it’s seemingly going great. I have food at my disposal at my new place of residence, people taking care of my laundry, etc.. The only problem: I’m almost 30 years old staying with my parents as I search for a new house.

I have a career, some money saved up, I know. It’s not bad. It could be a lot worse. I understand that. However, I’m still without passion. I still count down the hours of the day. I still can’t find anything to hold on to. I’m lost, & now more lost without a place to call my home.

I’ll find something soon enough. Problem there is, I don’t really know if I want to stay in this city. I don’t know if I want to stay in this state. I don’t know if I want to stay in this country. I’m just lost, man. I need something to hold on to.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Moving Out

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.