Losing My Raw Side

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Don’t Do It for Free

Hi, everybody.

I know, I know, I don’t write that often. Maybe I don’t want to write for free, alright?

BOOM. Already hit the title. Look at me goooooo.

OK, back to it. I’ve spent a significant amount of my time recently doing things that don’t bring me any income. It’s been great. Am I being sarcastic? Hell no. Value doesn’t come down to monetary alone. Value comes from so much more. I work on an NFT project and right now it’s not bringing much money in. Why? Well, we aren’t releasing anything. It’s more about keeping the community together as we build. And guess what? It’s been just as much fun as it was when we were making money.

It’s weird. Do the things you like with the people you love and you might find yourself in a good spot. I should always do that, shouldn’t I? Well, I’ve been doing it with boxing, too. Only coaching those who bring value into my life and only boxing when it drives that same value into my life. Boom, winner.

Work? Well, yes, I get paid for that. But the company I joined in November brings value into my life. Outside of the money deposited into my account, I get SO MUCH from my coworkers, the environment, and the day-to-day work. I love it.

So yeah, don’t do shit for free. Do shit that puts value directly in your life. You’ll thank yourself for it. And I’m thanking myself for writing this. It brought value to me, whether you believe it or not!

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Just Feel Like It

Hi, everybody.

Today’s been exhausting (in a good way) and it’s flown right past! Soon I’ll be off to training/coaching (next fight is November 6).

So why am I writing to you lot today? I really don’t know. It’s almost as mysterious as this allergic reaction happening on my face (The doc just said to put coconut oil on it…). I don’t have much to talk about, really. I just felt like I should check in and say hi, maybe see how you’re doing, and go about my day.

So, how are you?

If you were to ask me that question, I’d say pretty damn good. I’m not the best I’ve ever been but I am being the best person I can be at this time. And that’s important to note: AT THIS TIME. I’ve done a much better job of staying in the moment recently – maybe that’s why my mental health has been a bit better over the past week or so. Hm.

Writing is cool, isn’t it? I never thought about that till just now. Writing is so damn cool.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Little Things Do Big Things

Title written by a seven year old.

Hi, everybody!

As I continue to write to you, I continue to search for what to write about. So today we write about the simple things in life that make such a huge difference in our lives when we look back and truly think about them.

Today I woke up with a “here we go again” attitude. No good. No good. But I adjusted and I made sure to do the little things that I know help get me out of that train of thought. I made some coffee. Little, yes, but it did the job. I started to get a little pep in my step and hit the ground running with work.

Then I decided to put my foot down and say no to an upcoming interview. I don’t want the job. It’s simple as that. Why waste my time in an interview? Just because I want to see if I can get moved along in the process? Am I that bored? Yes. But I canceled that shit and that’s a little thing that helped me quite a bit today.

I went to the gym in the middle of the day. Again, little, but it’s probably the only reason I have energy to write to you right now. Aren’t you grateful? I know I am. Ha.

And I plan on doing a lot of little things as the day progresses. I mean, shit, I already grocery shopped and purchased some dog treats/snacks (one of my pups has a broken toe–no idea how he got it). Those are other little things I’ve done today to enhance how I feel today.

But let’s be honest. It comes down to you. It comes down to me. It comes down to our psyche. It always does. We can use little things to mask how we are really feeling, or we can acknowledge that we don’t have to feel a certain way if we can just let our psyche out of the chaotic mess it’s in once in a while. So yeah, little things do help, but do we need the help? We have everything we need right here, right inside our damn noggin and right underneath our chest.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Busy, Busy Morning

Hi, everybody.

I’ve mentioned a few times this week that I’ve been in a slump. I mean, what’s new, right? I probably tell you lot that I’m in a slump every other blog post. Shit. I probably do. Maybe I’m not in a slump. Maybe I’m just a victim of the moment, or make myself out to be.

See, writing is cool, isn’t it?

Well today I woke up late. On purpose. We’re… 9 or 10 days away from my first boxing match in five years so let’s just say my body is a bit overtrained right now. Well, a lot overtrained. Let’s be honest. Multiple miles of running a day mixed with sprints, add some sparring, add some weightlifting, oh then do some more sprints. It’s tough, but it’s worth it.

This morning I started off with mowing my lawn instead of running. Don’t worry, I ran in between mowing the front yard and the back. Then I sprinkled in some sprints. Then I finished the backyard. Now I’m about to head to lunch with my Ma, then a jam-packed afternoon of meetings.

Fun stuff, right?

It is. I may find myself in mental slumps, but the physical activities I do that pass through me with ease keep me going. It may sound stupid, but sometimes I think we spend too much time battling with our own mind and not letting enough stuff pass through us. Taking moment by moment instead of yesterday’s moment all the way into today. Refresh. Recharge. Move past that shit. Take on what’s next in your life and never stop observing how you handle each and every moment. Actually, scratch that. Just let those moments pass through you. You’ll find yourself less stressed, I promise.

Well, another day another blog about nothing really. I hope my readers are still enjoying what I’m writing. I know I mentioned I’d like to move to a weekly blog post schedule, but this is now part of my routine. I’m sure I’ll break from it at some point… but not quite yet.

Time to go eat some steak and shrimp with my Ma.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

So Much Room for Activities

Hi, everybody!

It’s been a busy, busy day (what else is new?). It’s been a FANTASTIC day so far. What happened? Well, good 5-6 rounds of sparring, some tennis with my Pops, and finished off with some more bag rounds (mainly working on my inside game–uppercuts and hooks). In just a bit, I’ll be heading to play volleyball. Safe to say I should sleep just fine tonight.

So all the external stuff is going well for me today, now it’s time to check in mentally. I advise you to do the same. The day might feel like it’s going well, but maybe you aren’t dealing with some demons. Maybe I’m not dealing with some demons. But it’s time to figure that out for ourselves.

Time to dig deep. Give me one moment.

I still fear the potential conversation I will have to have with my significant other when they return. Maybe that’s why I’ve kept myself so busy today (shit, I’ve only eaten a banana today, too). Maybe I’m hiding. Hopefully this writing is bringing me out of my shell. Well, it is. I’m already working though this issue in my head, through this writing. Am I any better off? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s like I always say, the important part is being aware. Understanding not just what’s around you, but what’s going on inside you, too.

Remember that. Even if the day is feeling great, make sure to take a deep breath and really check in with yourself. Same thing goes for when you’re feeling shitty. Awareness is key. Now let’s get back to the physical demands of the day, eh?!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Complicated Problem (To Me)

Hi, everybody!

Well, I’m back. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that or not. I am back home. And booooy does it feel good. Doggos are being doggos, running around like crazy, begging for food and walks. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But I have a problem.

Since my significant other has been gone, I’ve noticed I don’t share the connection I thought I had with them. Things scare me about the relationship, mainly age and where we’re at in life. We’ve went through completely different lives. I’m at a loss. They have been away and when they’re back, I may have to break it off. I’m beat up about this. But I shouldn’t be, should I? At least I’ve realized this. I can’t break up with them while they’re in another country, obviously, that’s heartbreaking. But I do want to have a talk to them in-person. I want to let them know I’m not happy with how things are now that we’re dating.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I do this every single time. I jump into something and realize I’ve fucked up about two weeks in. It’s terrible.

So what do I do? Well, maybe my feelings will change after the next week. Maybe they’ll change before they gets back. Hell, it has been a long month and this week has really put a dent in my mental stamina. But maybe it won’t. Maybe my feelings won’t change.

And what about this pattern I have? What do I do about that?

Usually when I write… I get to solutions for myself. This time that’s not the case. I guess I’ll have to keep digging deeper, try to understand what I’m feeling a bit more, and hopefully receive some advice from friends… if I have the balls to mention this.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Bloated

Hi, everybody!

The title is simple and the subject matter is simple: I’m bloated, physically. Mentally I feel pretty solid. The gym helps with that. My physical health helps with that. My friendships and family relationships help with that.

But today is just a fun blog. I shovel-fed food into my mouth last night after training. Granted, I did train twice yesterday, but I shouldn’t have put so much food down my gullet. What did I eat? From 8 PM to 12 AM, I had: Shrimp pad thai, a pork chop (thick one), crackers and hummus (lots), a roast beef and fake gouda cheese sandwich, half a sleeve of salt and vinegar veggie chips, and I topped it all off with a giant bowl of Blueberry Chex.

I’m a pig, I get it.

So, yeah, I’m bloated. And I don’t have much else to say today. Sorry. Well, not really. I can’t always have something to say, right? Oh, I spar later this evening. Hopefully this bloat depletes over the next few hours.

Why did I just tell a bunch of strangers I’m bloated?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Being Vulnerable With A Purpose

Hi, everybody.

Over the past two days, I’ve opened up to quite a few new people in my life. Whether it was about where I’m at financially, in my love life, or how my mentals are doing, I’ve made sure to make myself vulnerable to people.

Why? Why the fuck would you do that, man? Sounds terrible.

It is terrible. At the start. Then the other person opens up. Then you listen. Then you have a friend. It’s a scary process, but a very simple process. We as humans tend to overcomplicate the simplest of things. Let’s stop doing that.

I wrote about “ordinary courage” last week. I’ve really been practicing it since then. It’s freeing. I’ve never been embarrassed (in my adult life) about my mental condition, my drug addiction, or any of the other “whoa” shit. However, I didn’t understand the importance of what I’ve went through and how it can positively impact others till I started this blog.

You, me, all of us battling through depression, anxiety, and all the other bullshit. Guess what? We’re fucking champions. And you’re a Champion of mental health. Get out there, speak with people, show that ordinary courage on a daily basis. I can almost guarantee you make a friend or two. And if not, I bet there’s something you do to help others, and really that’s all that matters here.

We’re all in this together, folks. Whether your struggles are mental or physical, we all struggle. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. Get out there and help the fellow strugglers (there’s plenty to choose from). You’ll be surprised on how much you really do have to offer.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.