Tag: mental illness

Morning Sprints

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Mornings are always odd for me. Same could be said about afternoons and evenings, though.

But today we’re talking about mornings. My mornings consist of waking up a tad bit too late, scrambling to walk my dogs, followed by scrounging for anything in my fridge for breakfast. Usually there isn’t much. I still haven’t picked up any yogurt.

I’ve mixed in something else into my morning: sprints. Yeah, I’m crazy. For some reason running wind sprints at 8:30 AM at the age of 30 is something that I in fact do. What the fuck.

Anyway, there’s again not much to this post. I’m hurting, honestly. I’m sprinting away from my problems. Away from work. Away from communication. Away from everything.

I want things to stop. I want to feel good again. I. Don’t. Know. What’s. Wrong. Now.

And it’s scary. But I have you lot to write to, so thank you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Money Still on My Mind

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t help that I see people with much more money than I have at a much younger age. I feel like I’ve failed to this point. My 401k is nothing special, my investments are shit, and my savings is more than lacking.

I’m drowning. I just want to not worry about money for a month or two. That’s it. But bills keep piling on. Medical expenses mainly. I need to get my wrist checked out because I can’t pick up anything with it but I can’t take on that medical bill. It’s just too much for me.

I ordered contacts today. That’ll be $200. When will I pick them up? Probably Friday after I’m paid. Because right now I’m back to living paycheck to paycheck. Actually I wouldn’t even call it living. I’m under stress every day from it even with paying my bills on time. I keep seeing the red get more red. I need it to stop. I need it to stop. But it won’t. I’ll stay in this cycle forever by the looks of it. It’s been over a decade like this. I have no clue how to fix it. No clue whatsoever. My only option right now feels like investments. Long-term of course, but fuck I need to handle my debt. I need to. It eats at me.

UGH.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Money Problems

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

I don’t have “money problems”. I mean, I do, but it’s more debt problems. Nothing major but it does bother me. One thing I haven’t figured out yet is how to properly manage my money, my budget, etc..

And without management, shit hits the fan. Like today when I logged into my accounts: YEESH. Can’t wait till Friday for my paycheck so I can pay off debt, pay off medical bills, and be exactly where I am right now. See, that’s the thing: The money never stops going out. It stops coming in, but it never stops going out.

I’m stressed. Everything that was going well for me is spiraling downward, including boxing. I’m losing it a bit. I’m waking up a bit later now, lacking motivation, and my thoughts before bed are horrendous.

I’m scared again. This should be titled “Problems”, not “Money Problems”.

Oh, I think this makes 50 days in a row. Yippee. Hooray. Meh.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pool Chilling (My Day)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m a freak about this streak now. I already posted today (check it out – really good quotes) but it didn’t give me the streak reward. So here I am.

I made today about me. I woke up, walked the dogs before it got too warm, and headed to the gym. Got in a few solid bag rounds and now I’m out by the pool. I was reading but this blog distracted me. You lot distracted me. I can blame you, right?

I do need to get back to reading.

But today is my day. I’ll do what I want. I plan to make NFTs later (yeah, I know, weird), followed by volleyball and USA soccer.

Today will be a good day. Nothing will stop that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Marcus Aurelius Quotes

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you remove your judgement of anything that seems painful, you yourself stand quite immune to pain. ‘What self?’ Reason. ‘But I am not just reason.’ Granted. So let your reason cause itself no pain, and if some other part of you is in trouble, it can form its own judgment for itself.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

My soul, will you ever be good, simple, individual, bare, brighter than the body that covers you? Will you ever be complete and free of need, missing nothing, desiring nothing live or lifeless for the enjoyment of pleasure?

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

We were born for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of upper and lower teeth. So to work in opposition to one another is against nature: and anger or rejection is opposition.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

Life for each of us is a mere moment, and this life of yours is nearly over, while you still show yourself no honor, but you let your own welfare depend on other people’s souls.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Making My Own Schedule

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

Have I written about this before? I think I have. It would be simple to go back and look but let’s just carry on, shall we?

Why am I asking you that? You don’t make my schedule.

See what I did there? (Corny, yeah.) I am having some issues. This morning I went into training again and received no mitt work, no instruction, and I was told to help another boxer out. I was supposed to fight June 26th. Coach says I’m not ready, but I’ve been running my sprints and doing everything on my own to make sure I am ready.

But he won’t train me. He won’t put in the time. But I’m putting in the time to come work with the other boxers and help coach and yada yada. And I love coaching, you lot know that, but I don’t like commitments broken. A week or two back, Coach told me we would put together a training schedule to get ready. He was at my house for Memorial Day. We didn’t get a schedule put together.

Frustrating.

So now what do I do? Oh, today is also filled with everything that I didn’t come up with. Not a single thing on my agenda is something I said, “Hey, let’s do this.” Am I bitching over nothing? Probably. But I can bitch here. See, that’s the power of having this outlet. I can come here and bitch to you lot. And if you don’t like it, you can shut down the WordPress app or open a new tab, but that’s what this place does for me. Allows a release.

My buddy gave me a poem yesterday. I think it’s a good thing to leave off with because the main reason for this blog today was to get this shit out of my head and put it down. Make it concrete. Stop thinking about it so much internally and push it out to you lot. Aren’t you feeling lucky today? But again I’m getting off track. Let’s read this poem my buddy gave me, yeah?

Like cairns on an unkempt trail
words point the way
to the summit of thought
the last though before silence
swallows the world in realization
that the symbols are stones
just lying around
waiting aeons to roll toward the sea
until we stack them
upon one another to say,
“This way! You’re on the right track.”
to someone we may never shake hands,
nor share our water with
because deep down we know
that they are the same as us
and feel safer when another self
leaves a cairn or a ladder of words
to let us know that they too chose
this path and found sure footing there.
– Unknown Poet

My buddy got me that poem because that’s what this blog kinda is. And fuck it’s a good poem, isn’t it? I don’t even like poetry and I like that one.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Today I Can’t Talk

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

BIG study day for me today. Final assessment out of the company boot camp tomorrow morning. Also, today’s a day I like peace and quiet. Along with the pressure for the presentation tomorrow, it happens to be the anniversary of my brother’s death today.

I can get further into detail about all of this stuff at a later date. Today my goals are to keep my head down and study, be there for my parents at the cemetery, and play some damn good sand volleyball. That’s all I got for you today. Heart is racing quite a bit and it’s racing more as a type, so it’s time to sign off devices.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Goal Met

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody!

Writing from my phone today. You’ll never guess. I’m busy again today.

WordPress does this thing which notifies you when you’re on a blog post streak. I set out a month ago to knock out 30 in 30 days, and just yesterday I was notified from my last post that I did in fact achieve that goal.

So I guess I’m done here. Thanks for reading.

…

…

I’m kidding (you could probably tell). There’s less pressure on me from myself to write now, but I think I’ve built a good habit of making sure I get something down on this site.

I need to come up with a list of topics moving forward. I still just sit down and start typing. Let’s see… what would be good to go over? Let’s try gratitude.

Today I’m grateful for many things: Friendships, family, steady job, boxing (my passion), coaching (having an issue here but still grateful), the food in my fridge, the water in my outdated water cooler, MY DOGS, really so so much. My life is pretty dang cool. So is your life. Please remember that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Workouts & More

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Got a jumpstart this morning. Woke up two hours before work started to get a workout in, spend some time with the dogs, and get the right nutrition into my body.

My fight for June 12 was called off by the other coach. Bit of a bummer, a bit difficult to work up the motivation right now to keep training as hard as I have been, but I gotta keep going.

To keep going, I had to make a change. Enter morning workouts. Hopefully putting this into my routine helps with two things:

  • Better/more sleep
  • Amplify my training/rejuvenate my mind

This morning I got weighted leg and hand shadow boxing in, a few good bag rounds, and some battle ropes in. Felt good. Real good.

Sometimes when things don’t go our way, we need to make a change. I hate waking up early to workout, but I know it enhances my day. And right now I need that. I can’t digress. Neither can you. Let’s keep pushing, everybody.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lessons Learned in Florida

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

In about 45 minutes I hop on a plane back to the Midwest. I was supposed to be out here till tomorrow, but I decided it was best for me to head back a tad bit early. Need to recalibrate.

While I was here, I learned more about my mind. Well, my mind learned more about itself. Now I’m just confusing myself. Let’s move on.

So what did I learn? Let’s start with the negatives, and I only call them negatives because I’m too tired to think of a better way to describe them.

I am too dependent on cannabis for my anxiety and sleep. I need to take initiative there and slow down, but it’s another internal struggle for me. I’ve never been told to limit my medications or to drop dosages on the anti-depressant and anxiety medication. The back of my mind asks, “What if this is the best medication for you?”.

I wonder that quite a bit. The benefits I receive from cannabis are extremely helpful. Yes, in an ideal world for myself, no substance would be needed. But I’m not at that point yet. And from what I’ve learned/further reinforced from this trip is I do need to admit to some dependency with the substance. I’m a former addict. If anyone knows dependency, it’s this guy. I don’t plan on quitting, but it’s never good to travel and realize how important it is for your sleep and well-being. And it shouldn’t be. The first night I slept in Florida, I woke up 4-5 times in a heap of sweat, battling nightmares, ugly things from my childhood. It wasn’t fun and I’m quite honestly exhausted due to my poor sleep over the past few days.

But here’s the positive. I’ve established I struggle the first couple of days when I’m without cannabis. That’s something I’m now aware of and something I can work on. That’s a positive. And a challenge.

My tension with my parents is still at an all-time high, which bothers me more than you would think. I kick myself daily for the first way I treat my parents at times, but it’s pointless to kick myself. Being aware of this and keeping it present in my mind is what I need to do moving forward if I want to enable change within myself. Understanding that is a positive. Also another challenge.

I’ve further reinforced my need for communication. Silence isn’t my friend right now. A goal of mine now? Embrace the silence. Understanding silence can be a positive. Also another challenge.

So here I am in concourse D, writing to you lot. Making sure I put this down in writing so the challenges are real, so they aren’t forgotten. That’s a positive. Writing makes things real for me.

But I’ve been through plenty of challenges in my life and I’ve kept growing as a person. Yeah, sure, I lack in a lot of basics like finance and handyman work, but I make up for it with my understanding of myself and understanding of others. There’s different types of smart. Using what you’re best at can be so very important for your life and those you surround yourself with.

I wasn’t adding anything positive to my family’s trip, so I took the initiative to leave early. Do I feel a bit of regret? Yeah, of course. Am I happy I had the guts to do it? Yeah, because it was not only beneficial for me, but for my loving and understanding family. My darkness shouldn’t impact their time away.

I love my mother and father very much. I teared up a bit typing that. I hope they know I’m truly attempting to become a better person, a better son each and every day. Sometimes it’s evident, sometimes it looks as if I’m moving backwards.

But I’m not. All of this is part of my growth. Any hardships you’re facing, whether internal or external, should be considered a part of your growth. Letting them become obstacles can be detrimental to your mental health. Look at them as challenges. Look at them the way I am right now: This is part of learning about myself, which will be an ever-present process in my life. And it will be for you, too.

I’m happy to head home. However, I’m even more excited for my next trip because I’ve increased what I know about myself. I’ve understood what I need to do to help myself (and in turn, help those around me) in the situations I mentioned above. I’m happy with myself. I hope you’re happy with yourself today. You should be.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.