Tag: mental illness

Busy, Busy Morning

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 4 Comments

Hi, everybody.

I’ve mentioned a few times this week that I’ve been in a slump. I mean, what’s new, right? I probably tell you lot that I’m in a slump every other blog post. Shit. I probably do. Maybe I’m not in a slump. Maybe I’m just a victim of the moment, or make myself out to be.

See, writing is cool, isn’t it?

Well today I woke up late. On purpose. We’re… 9 or 10 days away from my first boxing match in five years so let’s just say my body is a bit overtrained right now. Well, a lot overtrained. Let’s be honest. Multiple miles of running a day mixed with sprints, add some sparring, add some weightlifting, oh then do some more sprints. It’s tough, but it’s worth it.

This morning I started off with mowing my lawn instead of running. Don’t worry, I ran in between mowing the front yard and the back. Then I sprinkled in some sprints. Then I finished the backyard. Now I’m about to head to lunch with my Ma, then a jam-packed afternoon of meetings.

Fun stuff, right?

It is. I may find myself in mental slumps, but the physical activities I do that pass through me with ease keep me going. It may sound stupid, but sometimes I think we spend too much time battling with our own mind and not letting enough stuff pass through us. Taking moment by moment instead of yesterday’s moment all the way into today. Refresh. Recharge. Move past that shit. Take on what’s next in your life and never stop observing how you handle each and every moment. Actually, scratch that. Just let those moments pass through you. You’ll find yourself less stressed, I promise.

Well, another day another blog about nothing really. I hope my readers are still enjoying what I’m writing. I know I mentioned I’d like to move to a weekly blog post schedule, but this is now part of my routine. I’m sure I’ll break from it at some point… but not quite yet.

Time to go eat some steak and shrimp with my Ma.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Midday Exhaustion

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Well, it’s around 12:30 PM CT and guess what? I’m tired. I don’t know if I have trained my body to take a nap at this point of the day or if I’m just extremely bored and tired of what I do, but either way… here I am. In just the other room rests my bed. I can’t wait to see that sucker in a second.

But I didn’t want to jump into a nap before I discussed how this exhaustion makes me feel. Honestly, it feels like a limitation I can’t seem to get past. Maybe it’s a way to make my days go by faster. Maybe I need something new and exciting in my life. Or, maybe, just maybe, I need to stop thinking so deeply on something that could be looked as as so simple.

Maybe.

But why do I feel this exhaustion so consistently? I wake up in the morning and get my body going through a nice run, some sprints, and a dog walk. I always eat something healthy for breakfast. And yes, I do drink one cup of a coffee/cold brew a day. I think I have good habits in the morning.

As for night time, well, other things can be said about that. I’ll admit it, I don’t go to bed at a decent time, but honestly I’m just trying to wait out of the next day. Why? Well, I know it’s probably going to be similar to what I’ve just experienced in that previous 12-16 hours of consciousness.

Things seem bleak here, but they’re not. I’m just asking myself questions as I always do on this blog. If you have answers or advice to any of these questions, feel free to share. But again, this blog is made for me to work through personal issues and professional issues. It’s not made to help you feel better. Shit, it’s not even made to make me feel better. It’s here to help process information. That’s it. And so far it’s doing a great job at that.

Now let me lie down and take a nap, not process any information, then get back to my day. I do hope to find a way to keep my mind and body full of energy throughout an entire day, but I’m sure it will take time. This whole life thing is a journey and even though sometimes each day feels the same, we must acknowledge that they aren’t the same. Not even in the slightest. We feel different things every day. We respond differently every day. Our energy levels vary every single new day.

See? This blog is about processing. And it does a fine job at that. Thank you for reading.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Lacking Meditation

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

So as I mentioned a couple blog posts ago, I’m reading a book titled The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer. It’s been quite a ride so far and hell, I’m not even close to done with the book. It’s one of those books, well at least for me, that I need to put down after reading a chapter or two. It’s some heavy-hitting stuff, I’m telling ya. Also, he does a good job of not bullshitting you. That’s nice to read from a “self-help” type of book.

OK, I’m getting slightly off topic.

The author challenges the reader back into meditation (or for those who currently practice, he further enforces the validity of it). I’ve done a terrible job over the summer meditating. In fact, I think I’ve only done it once or twice over the past four or five months. That’s terrible. But I can change that.

As the author says, “Be the answer, and everything will change.”

That’s some powerful shit. And it’s true. When you ask “Who am I?” there’s no logical response. Singer talks about that. There is no “intellectual answer” as he states. Instead, it’s very simple and clear: “You are the answer.”

So when I talk about making changes in my life, I need to take these words to heart. Meditation is healthy for me and I’ve let it slip away. That’s not anyone’s fault but my own. I owe it to myself to get back into a meditative state from time to time–and I’ll start that tomorrow morning.

I’m excited that I am the answer. Are you excited that you are the answer, too? It’s kind of liberating.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Searching for Something New

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

As usual, I’m midday and lost. However, I think I may have a slight sense of direction from an email I just received.

I’m being moved forward in an interview process for a non-profit. I highly doubt I get the position, but it’s nice to be looked at and considered for the position. But why? Why am I looking for a job when I just started a new job back in April?

Well, to be quite honest with you lot, I’m dying doing what I’m currently doing. I dread my late nights because I have to wake up and do my job all over again the next day. It’s not a good feeling–especially when all you want to do is quit your job but you have a mortgage to pay. It sucks, really. I don’t have any passion towards what I’m doing anymore. I used to love sales, now I’m… well, already burned out? No, I’m just not working for the right company. Not working towards the right goals.

So I’ve adjusted. I understand that the non-profits I apply for won’t be as much money as what I’m currently making, but doesn’t passion count for something? Doesn’t wanting to wake up to actually do your job count for much more than an extra 10-20 thousand a year? I think it does. Who knows, maybe it doesn’t, but right now… I need something different. Something with purpose. And I think I’m on the right track for that something new in my life.

It’s exciting. It’s scary. I’ll keep you posted.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Celebrating Others

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Gooooood morning!

It actually is a good morning. Last night I had a great time with a friend and we followed it up with a drive through a torrential downpour. It was pretty awesome. Downtown is flooded but… it still looked and felt pretty dang cool. (I hope everyone is alright downtown, of course.)

But last night at dinner I found some trouble within myself. I noticed I wasn’t truly embracing and relishing in my friend’s recent successes. Instead, I was thinking if I did anything about as cool/even better. What kind of dick thinks that way?

A lot of us do. And a lot of us need to change that. It all comes down to being an active listener. That whole idea of listening to listen, not to respond. You don’t always have to have something to say back—sometimes a nod is better than breaking off into your own tangent.

Think about it, though. If you give others your undivided attention and just purely listen, there’s a good chance they notice that and do the same for you when you want to share successes or even failures.

Become an active listener. I have said it since my last breakup and I am still working on it daily. I think it’s something we should all work on. Don’t you?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

If You’re Like Me, Read This

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

A friend who shares somewhat similar struggles as me recommended a book recently. Usually I say “OK, I’ll read it” and never follow through.

Well, it helps your recommendation to be read if I’m attracted to you. And that’s the case here. But boy, am I glad I listened to her and my attraction.

What’s this book? Published in 2007, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, provides a gut punch to your inner self. The battle between outer vs. inner. You know, a lot of what this blog is about. At least that’s what I’ve read so far.

Pick the book up if you want to. I’m three chapters in and it’s already caught my eye. Enough so where I’m recommending it this early. Hell, the book could be absolutely terrible by the end of it all. But if you pick it up, at least read through chapter three.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like A Quote Day, Yeah?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

It’s Friday. It’s quote day. Let’s do this!

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

George Bernhard Shaw

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

Mary Engelbreit

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.

Viktor Frankl

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Stephen Covey

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Working in Bed

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Right now I’m writing to you from my comfy bed. Why? Well, I decided to grab my laptop this morning after sleeping in a bit and making sales calls from my bedroom. So far? Very ineffective.

But why am I in my bedroom? I’ll tell you why. The world seems to stop in here. I don’t see all the distractions like who’s doing who on Instagram, how many people are walking outside holding hands, and people smiling as they garden.

Yeah, I don’t want to see happiness right now. That’s the main point here. I’m content with my bedroom right now. Do i hope for more out of myself today? Of course I fucking do, but I also understand this is where I’m at right now. And as I’ve mentioned before, it’s OK to beat yourself up for a little bit. You just need to ice up and bounce back from it once the beating is over.

I think I’ll “ice up” now by taking a shower and walking my dogs.

I’ve had an insane amount of mood swings this week. Every morning is different. I would love to find some consistency so I know what I’m up against every day, but it’s always the same, isn’t it? We’re up against ourselves. No one else. Just ourselves.

I can beat that guy, right? Let’s hope so.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Shift to Optimism

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I hope you’re doing well this morning. (You can tell I just typed an email for work just by that line itself.)

I woke up today feeling a shift. A good shift. An optimistic shift. Weird, yeah? So let’s break down what happened between yesterday where I posted something like “well, this is the end”, to now, where I’m talking about being optimistic.

The human brain is weird, man.

Yesterday I felt of no importance to anything that’s going on in this world–even in my world. Today I woke up, decided to treat myself to some extra sleep, and I’m just starting work at 8:45 AM. And guess what? I feel good about it. I feel good about today.

I really think boxing is the main charge behind my shift in moods. I sparred yesterday with a pro and honestly, I felt like I did a great job. Did he land more than one liver shot on me? Yes. Did that feel good? No. But you bet your ass I landed quite a few shots (and not just shots but combinations) on the guy. It felt good, even though I do have a bruise over my right eye and I might have overextended my right elbow (if that’s a thing). Anyway, ice will fix it all–that’s not the point.

Boxing is known as one of my passions. Something that keeps me going. But I know that’s not sustainable. I need to figure out what’s going on within me so I can better combat what happened yesterday and the day before yesterday. I think you should look at this problem, too. What can you do to better combat those negative days or moments? Once you figure something out, feel free to share. I’ll do the same.

I also had some wonderful help from my very best friend yesterday. He helped push me towards a new career–marketing–and I think it could be a great fit. Sales is getting a bit… meh for me. Hey, I made it four years. That’s not too shabby. Better than the 3-6 months I spent bartending at each bar before I left. My “loyalty” or whatever is much better now. Someone you can trust, kinda. I still have my meltdowns so you have to give me a break every so often.

It’s good to look outside yourself for help, ya know. I made sure yesterday to reach out to those I trust and to those I know will not judge me or dislike me for pushing back. Pushing back is natural for me. It’s a defense mechanism. It’s how my mind validates “ok, well this is bad, but doing THAT much sounds worse, so let’s just keep doing bad”. It’s fucked, I know. That’s why I’m grateful for the level-headed people I have in my support system. More importantly, I’m grateful for those who care enough to sit down with me when I’m feeling… well, like that crazy guy I always talk about (me). It’s helpful. I hope you have one or more of those people in your life. I really do.

When you’re dealing with someone with mental illness, I think a Walt Whitman quote should always pop into your brain:

Be curious, not judgmental.

Walt Whitman

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Feels Like the End

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

This morning really hurt. There’s no real way to put it or make it clear, but I’m at my limit.

I can’t seem to get anything going. My happiness is dead in the water. I wrote about it yesterday but again, every day feels the damn same. Yes, progress can be made with routine, but I’m 30. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I hate my line of work. I don’t gather as much enjoyment from boxing these days. I’ve reached my limit.

So what next? That’s what I’ve been asking myself all day. Obviously I have to keep working–don’t want to end up homeless. But how do I work well when I have zero passion in what I do?

How do I survive when I have zero passion for my life right now?

What the shit do I do to turn things around? Or am I stuck like this, forever? Will I always have one good day followed by a litter of bad days? I mean, I guess that’s how this whole blog started–read the damn name of the blog. Two Sides of Me. Shit, I’m beginning to think there’s 20 sides of me. And 19 of them aren’t good.

And not only does this impact me, but it makes me not want to interact with others because I’m just no damn good for anyone right now. I lash out, I attack, I am irritable. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing here.

It does feel like the end. Will I quit? No. Do I want to? No. Is life unpredictable? Yes.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.