Tag: mental health

Checking In (Again)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everyone.

To be honest, I’ve been so busy I forgot that I run a blog. My apologies. For those that read my stuff – thank you for reading my stuff.

Well, why have I been busy? I FINALLY HAVE MY OWN SPACE AGAIN. A place I can call home. Also, I’ve taken on ten boxers, pushing towards eleven. Life is busy as hell right now but quite spectacular (most of the time).

You know what? I hope things are looking up for you, too. If not, give it some time. Don’t give up.

OH! I’ll get back to writing on this thing soon enough. Just let me put my books, dishes, & cleaning supplies away. Need this house organized!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Before Boxing

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I now have TEN boxers. All very green, but promising! I’m writing this right now because I’m about to head out to coach a few. This is the best feeling I have during the day now. The moment right before I head to the gym. Right before I tell people to throw a jab, cross, angle out, toss another jab in there, throw a hook, & finish with a strong uppercut. Oh, make sure to jab out, too. Don’t want to get caught with shots when you’re finished with that combination.

Just typing that there got me pumped up. I fucking love coaching. It’s all I want to do. The relationships I make in this shit are PRICELESS. The vulnerability and openness people have with their coach is unmatched & I learn so much about the world, life, and other people’s lives each & every day.

I need to make sure to never take this for granted. Never turning this into a job. Keep it as a passion.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

New House Nerves

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I close on my house this upcoming Monday. I’m extremely, actually I can’t even put it into words how pumped I really am about having my own space again. That’s what it’s about, that’s what it’s always been about when it comes to “owning” or “renting” my own space. I need that own space. I get that back Monday, but it comes at a hefty price.

Buying a house seems super fun. It’s a great achievement I guess? I mean a decent one. Most likely you’re pretty much just borrowing a fuck ton of money from the bank to buy the house for you. Then paying that shit back.

Jesus, I sound negative today, don’t I? I swear I’m not. I think I just need some food.

Anyway, I am excited about the house. My dogs will be able to sleep wherever the hell they want again & I’ll be back to a routine. Not a boring routine, but I will be able to keep a sleep schedule again. Thankfully.

I mentioned hefty price earlier. I am worried a bit. I know I can handle anything thrown my way. I do know that, but pulling out a check of most your savings in the middle of a pandemic isn’t the best feeling. Oh, my company is also looking at a way to structure our pay in an even worse manner. They won’t tell us that, though. Keep your eyes open, people.

Let’s drop all of the negativity. I get my own space again on Monday. I get something to work on, something to pour passion into. Maybe I’ll even have enough time to start another garden this upcoming Spring. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you lovely people posted.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Hey There!

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I’m going to give you lot a break from reading about STDs. It is important to educate yourself on them, though. Remember that.

This is another bar blog. I don’t have too much to say as of now, but as I get writing, maybe something will flesh out.

Each day is different for me now. Not in the sense of what’s going on during that day, but my mood. I’ve been crazy with mood swings. Particular about who I take my anger out on. Disgusting at times. It hasn’t been pretty.

Other times I’ve been the best person I can be. I’m now training NINE boxers! Nine! Two weeks ago I had one. I’m giving away my time for my biggest passion & let me tell you, it feels fucking good.

I’ve started to spar again. I currently have a bruise under my right eye & a cut above my left eye. I feel alive. Boxing makes me feel alive.

I told you I would flesh some stuff out, probably. Doesn’t look like that was the case. Consider this another “diary” entry. I know you probably didn’t get much from this, but I really do hope you’re doing well. I am grateful you continue to read what I write. I believe this should be used for good, even when I’m talking shit about myself. Use this as inspiration. Use this as an “I’m not alone in this shit” way. Use it somehow. I do this for me, I do. But I wouldn’t mind you getting something out of it, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Unexpected Hilarity

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

You aren’t going to believe this shit.

First, read this last post. If you don’t, you won’t understand the humor & you won’t clap at the end.

Haven’t read it yet? Shame on you. Enjoy the stock photos below but don’t you dare scroll below those things before you read the last post.

Creative-AP Stock Subscription | Buy Photos | AP Images
read the last post
How to Unstock Your Images: 5 Mistakes to Avoid | atomix
do it

Did you read it? It’s linked here if you haven’t yet. I’m telling you, it adds to this post. Maybe you need another stock photo.

What Is a Stock Split?
look how pleased they are reading my last post

OK, I trust you now. Let’s get into it.

So I was worried I have herpes. Still kinda worried, but some funny shit happened. For the past couple of days before this event, I had felt a slight itch on the tip of my penis. Anyway, I was getting a regular screening the other day for the other STDs, including HIV. I’m sitting in the lobby filling out forms. Then… *ding*

Text message from _____ _____:
Hey, just to let you know I got tested & I have Chlamydia. You may want to get tested.

Text message back from me:
You aren’t going to believe what I’m doing right now.

I mean the timing, the odds, & the hilarity of that moment. Kinda made the whole thing worth it. I’m kidding. Nothing makes pissing flames worth it. Wear a condom, people. Wear a damn condom.

OH. I still don’t know if I have herpes. Guess I have to wait it out, according to the doctor. No tests really give you an accurate result UNLESS you have lesions. Super great. Awesome. Yay.

Fun blog, eh?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sorry For The Language, But… Fuck

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Let me start this off with…

Wait, hold on.

Hi, everybody!

OK, let me start this off with the fact that I am stupid tired right now. I’m so very stressed at the moment I just scheduled out emails to go out in the morning for me. Highly effective, but I rarely do that. I know I’m overextending myself when I am doing that. WOAH, see? Writing just fleshed that all out for me. Holy shit.

OK, where are we driving?

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the language in the title. Let me explain the best I can. Disclaimer: I know there are certain stigmas around things, some items are overblown, not as bad as we’ve been conditioned into thinking they are, but still, as you read this, understand I’m just fucking scared. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m scared.

I slept with a woman the other night. Long story short, the condom broke within 30-45 seconds, most likely. Things got weird at the very start & I cut it off. Once I pulled out, well, things got even more weird.

Fuck, you know what I just realized? My Pops reads this shit. Welp, if you’re reading this, man, understand I’m a BIT STRESSED FROM THIS RIGHT NOW. Sorry in advance. Well, I’ll try to be aware. I will. See? Writing, man. It’s pretty cool.

OK, we were driving the right way there but we lost our signal for a moment. We’re back, baby. Remember, I’m stupid tired. So, yes, things somehow became more strange & let me tell you, the things that made me stop within a minute were very, very strange. I don’t just stop having sex without a valid reason. I heard things I’ve never heard before. I don’t know if I’ll unhear them.

Anyway, let’s get back to it. This is the paragraph, I promise. I will get to the fucking point. (You should find that funny later.) Cut past some emotional moments, questions, & it turns out she has herpes. Yes, herpes. Just typing that made my heart drop. IF YOU FOUND ANGER READING THAT, PLEASE REFER TO THE KIND DISCLAIMER UP TOP. THANK YOU. I don’t know what it is about it, but the best way I can describe it is I don’t want to add it to my list. One thing to definitely mention: there was no outbreak & there hasn’t been any in quite some time. That gives me slight piece of mind. But OK, the list…

I am:

  • Gluten intolerant – like the real kind
  • Soy intolerant – honestly don’t know if this is real but I feel better without it
  • Lactose intolerant – not going to lie to you folks, I can sacrifice a lot of time & toilet paper if the cheese is good enough
  • Former drug addict – once a drug addict, always a drug addict, am I right, y’all? WHY DID THEY TEACH US THAT?
  • Jailed multiple times as a kid
  • Pulled away from the home to stay in group homes & other places that were… oof, to say the least
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • I write blogs about herpes at 1:15 AM

I mean, do I need to keep going? No. You get the point. But now we add a whopper to this list. Whopper Jr., if you’re reading this. We could be adding herpes, folks. Fuck. That’s why I said it in the title. Because, well, fuck. That’s all I can think about it. I’m not even trying to be funny. I can’t be funny with this shit. I can’t get a single straight thought across.

I know my life isn’t over. Again, check the disclaimer. I’m just scared, y’all. I’m hoping I can catch a break. I really hope I do. Knock on wood? (Literally knocked on wood after I typed that… out. Well, I did it again for good measure right now.)

I gave you a list of the bad shit about me. That was rude. Woe is me isn’t allowed in this shit. I have plenty positive to say to myself, to you about myself, & plenty to be grateful for. But sometimes, y’all, it’s OK to feel like the fucking world is closing in on you. The water rising as you reach the ceiling. Breath becoming more & more valuable with the pass of each anxious moment.

Again, I’m stupid tired right now. I don’t even know if we’re talking about herpes anymore.

OK, well, I’m not going to list out of the positive things. I’ve said them to myself. I’m good with that. I hope you are, too. Why don’t you try saying some positive things about yourself? Stop being so negative all the time, god damn. What’s there to be scared about? Herpes?

Maybe.

But we’ll get through it. Together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

IF YOU CARE: I’m getting tested tomorrow morning for all other STDs, getting tested for herpes after the accurate incubation period. All of these fucking medical bills are getting ridiculous.

SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, OH WELL. I REFUSE TO EDIT vA BLOG ON HERPES. GOOD DAY.

UPDATE TO THE SECOND DISCLAIMER OR WHATEVER: I DID EDIT. I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF. IF YOU FIND ERRORS, JUST GO AWAY. Fuck, I need to sleep.

Bar Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m at my favorite bar right now. Given that I don’t have a “home” at the moment, I’ve been a bit more frequent. Wonderful staff, food, friends, etc.. I guess this could be called a home, eh?

There’s many problems with alcohol but us, the mentally ill, the depressed, well… the main problem with alcohol for us is the fact it’s a depressant. Sucks it’s such a social thing to do, doesn’t it?

Anyway, this is just another “write to write”. I’m quite indifferent today but I have slight anger in my heart. Can’t figure out why, & today I decided to let myself not question too many things.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Nothing Substantial

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

The title of this post tells you exactly what you’ll be reading, so don’t worry, you have time to hit the “back” button & get the hell out of here. If you stay, well, thank ya.

I’m here writing to write. I’m pretty indifferent today. Comfortable in my own skin today. It feels great. OH! I woke up at a decent time today. Granted I only got about 3.5 hours of sleep because of it, but it’s a goal I set for myself this week & I fucking did it. Go me, right?

How are you holding up? Are you pushing yourself when you’re feeling down? Are you not giving up? Are you checking in with yourself? We, the mentally ill people, need you around. There’s a chance I run into you at a bar & you have no idea I’m the one writing these blogs & I have no idea you’ve read my blogs. We could have a conversation down the road. A good conversation. One of those conversations we all live for.

I have absolutely no clue who the hell you are, but you’re doing something right in this world. Everyone is. Stick with it. I told you I’m writing to write, I don’t think a single solid thought was fleshed out in this blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Therapy Through Punching

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday most of you (the followers, thank you) read I was in a dark place. Don’t let that past-tense fool you, I’m still there. What’s most important is that I’m still here. Living, breathing, trying to calm down.

Yet what helps me is my passion. My passion for boxing, which I wholeheartedly attribute my breakaway from addiction to. Now that I’m not fighting anymore, I coach, & I coach for free.

20 of the 24 hours of yesterday sucked ass. Yet, the four hours I spent volunteering my time to help build strength, stamina, & most importantly, self confidence, helped me more than it helped the boxers I was training.

I guess Anthony De Mello was right when he said every act, even a charitable one, is selfish. Look what I just said. It helped me. That’s not a bad thing necessarily if your perspective shines in a positive light. If the training didn’t help me, I wouldn’t be there to do it. Those individuals coming to learn wouldn’t have me as their coach. They wouldn’t get to see me perform in my now-natural environment. They wouldn’t be able to build their confidence like I did ten years back with boxing.

I’m here now outside of myself. I’m here for others. I haven’t given up on myself, but I’ve tried almost everything under the sun to break through my depressive disorder. It always comes back, sometimes (most of the time) more fierce than the last time. Yesterday I lashed out on my mother, lashed out on my father, & went to bed at 4 AM. I’m not OK, but I’m doing my damn best.

As my coach always said: Chin down, eyes up. (Keeps ya from getting knocked out.)

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Back To It

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I’ve failed miserably over the past few days. I recently spoke with my psych & we both felt comfortable moving me to solely anxiety meds, no more anti-depressants.

I don’t know if that was a good choice. I can’t tell if it’s me, if it’s the drugs, or if it’s my current environment, but I’ve never thought so much about ending things than I have over the past few days. It sucks to admit, but hey, this is why I write. So you know. So I know. So we all can hold each other accountable.

I’m lost right now. I still think about my ex far too much, I’m lonely as fucking hell, & I don’t know if I’ll ever find happiness within myself for a substantial period of time. I’m running out of options. I’m running out of hope. I feel like I’m running out of time.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.