Tag: mental awareness

Balance & Other Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you’re anything like me, you work yourself down to the bone. I mean even today is a good example. It’s 5 PM CST & I haven’t given myself a moment to take a bite of anything outside a few ripe cherry tomatoes in the backyard garden.

But days like today are good. You just need to make sure you give yourself days that aren’t like this. If you can do both, well, I think you’re on the right track. At least that’s what I’ve been told by 10-15 therapists.

Balance takes place in many aspects of our lives, whether it’s work, love, friendship, traveling – really anything.

My father always told me one thing, well two. I’ve listened to him, but haven’t done the best in acting like him after listening if I have to admit.

  1. Don’t fall into debt
  2. Too much of one thing isn’t a good thing (cough, cough… balance)

Yeah, he ripped it off from Twain, I know. It’s still better to hear those words from your father than it is to hear it from good ol’ Twain.

So you might be asking yourself, “Well hey now, you just told us that you worked yourself too hard today & doesn’t that mean you don’t have balance?” WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? I’m here, writing, and this is something I love. This isn’t work. This is that balance.

Thanks for reading, really any of you out there. It means quite a bit to me. I sometimes start writing & have no clue what I’m going to write.
Example A: What you just read.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Another Monday

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

I might be the only person that says this, but right now I LOVE MONDAYS.

The weekends are the worst right now. The obvious problem is the pandemic, but also going through emotional struggle during this time isn’t fun, either. You’re either stuck at home with your own thoughts or you’re stuck out at the bar trying not to think of your own thoughts. It’s a weird time.

So what does Monday bring to me? My routine. My routine is so very important for me. Wake up to my puppy scratching my eyelid, feed the dogs after a slight scolding for the pup that tried to rip my eyelid open, and head off to the gym. When I get back, I make some coffee & eat some yogurt. Sounds boring, right? Does it sound more interesting if I say that sometimes I also eat a banana? Nah. Still boring, but it keeps my head in a good place.

I’m starting to really love the weekdays. I never thought I’d say that to myself, and I really hope I begin to start loving the weekends again, but at least I enjoy 5/7 days of the week (for the most part, not all the time, but for the most part).

Routine is everything for a guy like me & I think routine is extremely helpful when you’re going through shit. Find something you can stick to and stick with. Make it an absolute necessity to get that shit done BUT don’t beat yourself up if you just don’t make it happen that day.

So yeah, I kinda love Mondays now. Weird.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Writing to Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’ll admit, you probably won’t find anything special in this post. Not much motivation today & I’m starving – breaded pork chops almost finished in the oven. The timer starts now.

Today I racked my brain because of one thing: I didn’t write a blog yesterday. Yeah, maybe that’s not a big deal, but the reason I didn’t write one is definitely a big deal. I was lost, beat up, and felt like giving up. Luckily, I have that support system I keep telling you about. However, I should’ve given myself some support. How? By writing.

I’ve found that no matter how many people actually read this damn thing, it helps me break what feels like a blood clot in my chest. It helps me breathe. It helps me… be me. Writing is truly beautiful. Reading, not so much. I’ve had enough of the self-help books & awareness books by now. I’ll definitely keep reading them, but my mind can’t take the rawness of them at the current moment.

So, yeah. I don’t really have much going on today or tonight. I’m still getting over a break-up and to be honest, it’s destroying me each and every day. I keep fighting because I know I have to. I keep writing because I know I have to. I keep living because I know I have to.

Don’t let this post get you down. This is a good thing. This is a person, distressed, making sure they’re taking care of themselves any which way possible. You should try it, honestly.

Whether it’s writing or… fishing? I don’t know what the opposite would be to writing, but fishing sounds much less intense & self-defeating. Find someone or something that’s an outlet for you. Find a way to to get everything and anything off your chest.

None of you know me. None of you can judge me (because I won’t know about it, but you probably do judge me… how dare you). I do hope I help some people on this. I’m not doing it all for myself, I promise you that. About 95% for myself, yeah, but the other 5% goes to you. I’ve always been a generous guy.

Again, no clue what the hell you’ll get out of this. Just find an outlet, alright? Don’t stew on your bullshit. It’s not healthy. I say that as I spent about two hours this morning moping and crying. Again, just because I type this some nice, feel-good shit doesn’t mean I live it every moment of the day. I fail so, so often. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK to fail as long as you know you can win someday.

I’m hoping tomorrow is that day. I really do. Most likely it won’t be, but that hope keeps me going. Along with this writing. OH! And those pork chops. Time to pull them out of the oven.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Finding Joy in Simplicity – Or the Other Way Around

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

There’s one chore in the day that I always brings me joy – actually, if I didn’t get this one chore done, I’d probably be on the other side of joy.

You’ll never guess what it is. It’s too simple. Way too simple. Doesn’t make any sense, really, as to why it provides joy. But it does.

The simple chore is watering my garden. Yes, you’re probably thinking, “This dude is about to write a blog on watering his garden,” and you’re probably right. We’ll see where the keyboard takes us. And if it takes us there, so be it.

I’ve asked myself many times why this 30-40 minute chore lights up my day. I really can’t figure out an answer to that question, and quite frankly, I don’t think it matters. Maybe I’ll get to that by the end of this blog – usually that’s what happens. Ah, the power of writing and self-exploration. Anyway, what matters is the end result: Joy.

I start with my garden beds, filled with way too many peppers, tomatoes, and herbs. I wish I had a few more people in my life to share these with, but I do my best to bring the Shishito peppers to a certain friend and the hot peppers to a friend that enjoys stuffed cheeseburgers. My mother loves tomatoes, so she gets priority on those. You’d think that’s what would bring me joy, but it’s not. Yes, giving is something is fulfilling and should never be taken for granted, but allowing growth and life by a simple action of turning on some water… that’s where the joy comes from for me.

Also, have you ever just stopped and watched a sprinkler do its job? It really is mesmerizing. Highly recommend.

I recently purchased a couple of bushes for the front of my house. Two plants that I’m really proud of – yes, I’m proud of my plants. They’re doing quite well, thank you very much. Each evening, right around 8 PM CST, I go outside and water those two new additions to my garden family. Each time I inspect the health of the bushes & notice the immense growth these bushes are experiencing. That’s what brings me that joy I keep harping on about. See! We ended up with a reason for the joy! Again, the power of writing and self-observation.

Why are these new bushes growing? Well, the sun helps, obviously – but the genuine joy I have when I water my garden helps, too.

I do want you to get something out of this blog. I know what I want you to get out of this. It’s something that one of my favorite therapists said to me years back after getting over an intense breakup: Celebrate the small happinesses in your life.

Now, what’s that mean? What constitutes a small happiness? Again, it’s quite simple. Did you make yourself a sandwich today & enjoy that sandwich? That’s a small happiness. Did you open the door for someone today and receive a thank you? That’s a small happiness. The list goes on and on, but really it’s about appreciating the simple things in life as much as the complex.

Don’t take anything for granted. When I move from this house, I’ll miss my garden. However, I’ll start another one, and I’ll water it each & every day.

Joy is something we don’t experience every day. Notice that. Understand that. Also understand that we don’t experience it because we don’t allow ourselves to experience it. It always comes down to the “bigger” things in life, but joy can come from some of the most customary acts in our life.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Something About Forgiveness

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Couldn’t figure out a title there. Open to suggestions. Also open to featured image ideas. Really, any suggestions on how to run a blog would be helpful at this point.

OK, let’s set the scene.

“Adult,” aged 20… maybe 21. Can’t remember if this was opiate me or regular me. Just bought a puppy, a beautiful black german shepherd/lab mix. Something about that dog (still alive & doing amazing) pushed me to apply at a startup natural pet food store. Recently opened in one of the nicer pockets of town, it seemed like the perfect job at the time. And it was. It was a job I felt a sense of purpose whenever I walked through that door & heard their dog paw chime. Being around animals, around people loving animals, and helping people help those animals live longer. Can’t get that much better for me. If you’re feeding your dog and/or cat Purina or Science Diet, shame on you. Seriously, stop.

I was hired as an under-the-table inventory manager (did I do the hyphen thing right?). The first manager in this little shop’s history. Remember, I was 20, maybe 21. Either really drugged out or trying to work through how to live life without being drugged out. Probably not the best guy to put in that position, but the sweet, innocent owners didn’t know that. Us drug addicts are pros at putting on a face.

The owners were both first generation immigrants, one from Asia, one from Europe. They moved to my hometown to finish up college and pursue opportunities, and they did just that. They followed their passion of business, they followed their passion of animals. They were people I connected with right away – and now that I think about it… they might’ve been the best bosses I’ve ever had.

Anyway, you’re probably asking yourself why any of this matters. Well, I’m sure you can guess I messed up somehow, you just don’t know how bad.

I can’t remember my motive, honestly I can’t. Maybe I was lacking money for rent, maybe I needed money for drugs. Maybe I was just a klepto. Again, I don’t remember, but I do remember finding a way to work the system with a “return item” hack. Essentially I would find an item in the store, run it through the system, and return it. Rather simple when you think about it, and as the inventory manager, it was something only I would notice… for a while.

After putting a dent in the bottom line for about two to three months, the owners finally figured it out. Being the genuinely nice people they were, they allowed me to pay them back & not involve the cops. Of course I apologized, but I don’t remember meaning it. My mind was on getting caught. Again, I was a shiiiiiitty young adult/kid/whatever. There wasn’t a reason to be kind to me, but they decided to be kind. More importantly, they decided to forgive.

Today I stopped at the store, a new one since they’ve done so well since over the past decade or so. They’re now at four stores along with an online presence. It’s really great to see.

I walked in and noticed the gentleman owner. It was he & I, alone, in the store, no music, no nothing. I was scared, really I was. Every time I enter one of their stores I instantly think of how I robbed the damn place. Let me repeat what I did for those in the back: I robbed a natural pet food store owned by first generation immigrants.

Being alone, the owner & I collectively decided to start a conversation, and quickly I developed the absolute need to genuinely apologize. I didn’t go in there thinking this moment would happen, but it did. The response I received was… well, after writing this, I guess expected. The owner assured me over & over that he held nothing against me. The owner asked questions about how I was doing, what I’m doing for work, & where I’m living nowadays. He treated me like the first day I met him – that’s true forgiveness.

I talked, he listened. After that, I listened, he talked. Now you might be thinking, “Oh, they’re just exchanging niceties.” WRONG. Why would you think that? Why are you so pessimistic all the time?!

The owner talked about bringing me back on staff, impromptu. Was I surprised? Hell yes I was. I took from this man when he had one store & barely afforded his one bedroom apartment. Yet this man, being the type of person he is, looked past my one bad moment (well, my two to three months of bad moments) & decided to look at the good of me. Something maybe I should do a bit more often.

As always, I have no fucking clue what you’ll get out of this post. It was just a cool moment I wanted to share with you. I hope you have a cool moment soon.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.