I’m Still Here

Hi, everybody.

It’s been a minute. I’m still here but quite a bit has happened over the past few weeks. In this blog, I’m simply going to recount what’s happened here for my own wellbeing. I’ll see if I can break down a few things down the road once I’ve fully grasped them and the impact they end up making in my life.

It hasn’t been good. Not saying there hasn’t been anything good. I got a new job (it should be fantastic) and I’m going to be OK financially thanks to some help. I’m grateful for what I have around me.

But the past two weeks have been a shit show.

I…

  • Lost my dog, best friend of 11 years
  • Lost my girlfriend
  • Totaled my car
  • Phone stopped working from a system update
  • Didn’t get to box because my opponent found himself in jail
  • Cried repeatedly for the past two weeks

But I made it through all the bullshit. I did my best to let it pass through me. Did it win at times? Oh fuck yeah it did. I lashed out, I became the old me, I unleashed everything I dislike about myself. But this time it was slightly different-I was aware of what was going on. Now I still couldn’t stop it and that’s a problem I need to work on, but at least I could feel it build. I could sense where my mind was going.

I can’t thank my support system enough for their help over the past two weeks and well, my entire life. I love you lot. And readers, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve wanted to write but I’ve been sad. I’m looking to work on that, too.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Colorado Vibes

Hi, everybody.

I know, alarming off the bat. I used the word “vibe” in the title. Who have I become?

In all seriousness, I had an anxiety attack as I normally do when I head out on a trip. Luckily I had someone to talk to about it. It’s nice to be close enough to someone to talk about these things audibly sometimes. It’s also nice that she cares and tries to understand.

Tonight I get to take her out to dinner after a long car ride and some dispensary/walking around fun this afternoon. I’m grateful for that. But I wanted to make sure to take a moment here, breathe, acknowledge this, and move on with the night.

Thank you for being an outlet for me. Anxiety, depression, all of it — we can beat any of it. You can. I can. It doesn’t happen all at once, but one won battle is worth a celebration. Celebrate yourself tonight/today/whatever time it is for you right now.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Understanding Relationships

Hi, everybody.

I really hope you’re doing well today. I am. I hope you are, too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships–and not just those with a significant other, but I’ll focus on that specific situation here.

Recently I have spent quite a bit of time with what some would call a “significant other” or someone I’m in a relationship with, but I don’t believe we identify with that label. Or maybe I’m misunderstanding everything around me. But we have talked about it and decided that dating isn’t a good idea right now–but is that truthful from both ends?

So now it’s about trying to understand or unearth what we do not know. Whatever’s going on inside that other person’s noggin. It’s a scary venture and I’m here to tell you one thing: DON’T DO IT.

It’s not your job to know what the other person is thinking. It is on you to treat someone with respect and dignity, but it is in no way, shape, or form your job to express another person’s feelings for them.

Am I just telling myself this so I don’t feel like a dick? Yes and no.

I’ve made this mistake many of times before and I hope I’m not making yet another mistake here. I enjoy the company, I enjoy the conversation, I enjoy the other stuff. Maybe one day it will evolve into something else, but right now I’m happy with what’s in front of me. I’m happy with what I’m doing right now with this situation.

So, yeah. Understanding relationships is kind of your job, I guess that’s my point here. It’s your job to understand where you’re at in the relationship and it’s your job to be respectful of the person you are with.

Sounds easy, right? Ha.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A (False?) Sense of Peace

Hi, everybody!

Welp, the girlfriend went to another country for a month so it’s just you and me for a bit! I’m excited, are you?

I woke up this morning feeling serene. I did my normal routine but the girlfriend did stop by for a quick dog walk prior to her departure. I will say I’m not doing the best at work, but I hope with less distractions (new relationships tend to create a natural distraction) I can pick up the pace a bit. Also, I was just told I have a new boss starting… today? Tomorrow? One of the two. Hopefully he’s a good guy. OH! I’ve always had some serious thoughts about getting out of sales. Maybe moving into marketing. Who knows.

But back to the peace thing. This is how I know the blog’s title makes sense. One morning I wake up feeling like dog shit, the next morning I feel like I can preach to the world about awareness and loving yourself. I’m striving to be somewhere in between, because let’s be honest… no one really wants someone to constantly say “love yourself” or “I’m dog shit”. There’s got to be a balance.

And today I woke up with that balance. I knew I had a long work day ahead of me paired with my second job. I know I have an extremely early and important meeting tomorrow morning that I need to prep for. But I’m doing OK. I’m not stressing. As Richard Miller says in one of his meditations, “I am aware and I am at ease”. I feel that today. I really do.

Peaceful. Quiet. Calm. That’s my day today. And I’m excited for it. What’s your day look like?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Month Change

Hi, everybody.

I’m slightly worried. Tomorrow my girlfriend leaves for Egypt for a month. No, I’m not worried about what she’ll be doing in Egypt, but a lot of my time is spent with her. Whether it’s hanging out, grabbing dinner, or boxing, we spend A LOT of time together. So that will all change–and for a month at that–scary.

I plan to spend plenty of time on myself. Also, my wallet will thank her for leaving for a month (we eat out a decent amount, it’s one of my favorite things to do and hers as well). But again, I am worried. I’m a man that enjoys structure, routine, sometimes the same ol’ same ol’.

But I have my support system with me as always. Also, she’s just a WhatsApp message away. Who will be my new training partner for the next month? No clue. I need to figure that out quick.

I think I’ll spend a good amount of the next month writing to you lot, too. I hope you don’t mind. I consider those who read my blog some of the people that know me the best. You know the real me. The vulnerable me. And someone needs to know that side of me.

Let’s push through this together. With the help from you lot, I can do so much more than without you lot. When I write, I feel better. When I write to you, I feel a whole lot better.

I’m going to spend the rest of the day enjoying time with my girlfriend before she leaves. I hope she has a tremendous time, but I will miss her.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

30 and Fully Vax’d

Hi, everybody!

My 30th birthday was fantastic. Worked all day but thoroughly enjoy working. I was finally able to make sales calls again and I followed it up with some wonderful boxing coaching and training. You lot probably think that’s all I do. It kinda is. But I love it.

But I have a girlfriend now. So after work we grabbed some Thai food and relaxed. It was a perfect evening. Oh, I also had time to get on vidjie games and absolutely own some noobs.

I’m a nerd. A 30-year old nerd. And I love it.

Today I received my second vaccination (Pfizer gang). Glad to get it, happy to not talk about it the rest of my existence. If you’re an anti-vaxxer, I don’t care. If you’re a pro-vaxxer, I don’t care. You do you. Please and thank you.

Today calls for a nap. Will I get it? Who knows. But I’d love a nap. Other than that, my mind is kind of blank today and it’s… refreshing. I think I’ll log off now.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Overslept (For A Reason)

Hi, everyone!

Today I slept till 8:30 AM CT. Why? Because I’m fucking exhausted, that’s why. Did I push it a bit with work and my 9 AM meeting? Kind of, but karma was on my side. That meeting was pushed back to 10 AM.

Why did I oversleep? I mentioned it: Exhaustion. But I’ve spoken about this before: It’s a good exhaustion. It comes from hard work through my passion, which if you don’t know by now is boxing. Multi-mile runs, plenty of bag rounds, sparring, and sprinkle in some coaching…. boy, does it tire you out. I have no clue how my head coach has done it for so many years, but one day I hope to be like him.

As always, I don’t have too much to type today. It’s a relatively relaxed day for me. Work till about 4 PM, hit the gym for an hour, and sneak a mile run in sometime during the day. Then it’s date night! (I still need to figure out how to get out of this “relationship” as my buddy calls it. I’ve been clear about it NOT being a relationship with the woman, but I don’t think that message firmly sits in her head. I gotta figure this out.)

OK! What a weird blog.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Unsolicited Text From the Ex

I’m writing this because I need help. Not from you, but from writing itself.

My ex, out of the blue, texted me this morning. I didn’t think she’d text me. I also didn’t think it would impact me if she did. I mean, I was having a great week & great morning. I was already on my way to the gym, which is one of my many ways of therapy, and I thought I’d hit the heavy bag till I couldn’t think about that text anymore.

I was wrong. It’s the only thing that’s been on my mind today, and it wasn’t even a good text. She just misses the dog. I’ve been having a fantastic week – I mean, if you read my post from yesterday, you’d know. Did you? Hmm…

This text shook me. I obviously responded and kept the conversation going – that, too, was a mistake. It led to us getting on the phone & talking about what’s been going on in our lives. Oh, and of course, in classic fashion I mentioned I still love her.

Do I regret saying that? No, because it’s the truth. Do I regret looking at my phone this morning? Fuck yes. I’m hoping this post pushes me out of this way of thinking soon. I was having such a great week, there’s no way I should let this diminish that. Right? Right.

What do you people do in situations like this? Do you handle it as poorly as me? I can’t be the only one with trouble letting go. That’s really the problem: I haven’t let go. It’s not the text, it’s me.

Shit, writing really does open your eyes. Try it sometime.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.