I Did It

Hi, everybody.

Welp, I did it. You read that right. I officially put in my two-week resignation letter this morning with my boss. This is a company I’ve been at for three years and really helped me grow into the person I am today. I am very grateful for my time there.

However, I am so, so very excited to move on to a new challenge. My dearest friend told me a week or two back, “It seems like you’re the smartest guy at the table at the company and that’s never a good thing.”

He was right. It really hit home. It pushed me to take that final leap and trust in myself at a new company with a new challenge. A place where I will be the dumbest at the table again. Can’t fuckin’ wait. TEACH ME ALL THE THINGS!

I’ve been passively searching for a job for the past year. I’ve probably applied, no lie, at over 200 places. I’ve done, again no lie, over 100 interviews in the past year. Received a few offers but none felt right. I waited. I trusted my judgment. I asked others what they thought, the people I trust. My support system. Then things changed. I started actively hunting for a new job. Big difference. It was one of my main focuses, and guess what? It paid off. Literally and figuratively.

I wouldn’t have been able to take this leap if I didn’t believe in myself. I always tell you lot everything comes from you, and it’s true. But I wouldn’t be here today without the fantastic friends and family I have, the ones pushing me forward. None of their words and advice mean shit if I don’t look within myself and understand that everything, every decision, needs to be made by me when dealing with my own life. But again, a support system can’t go unnoticed. So thanks Pops, dear friend (you know who you are), and all the other people in my life that have no clue about this blog.

Oh, and thank you. You reading this blog has such a positive impact on me and my mental health, and I hope it does some of the same for you.

KEEP PUSHIN, BABY!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Weekends Work Now

Hi, errybody!

It’s kinda nuts. When I started this blog just last August, I absolutely despised weekends. They were filled with nothing but misery, loneliness, terrible habits both mentally and physically, and they were just the absolute worst.

Now?

I’ve told you lot a million times things change. They change even when we think there is no possible fucking way they will change. Still, things change. No matter what it is. Things. Change.

Weekends changed for me. I now relish the weekend because I’ve filled it with my passion: boxing. I’ve filled it with dinners out with friends, late night chats with new people, and of course, I’ve kept the cuddling with my two doggos.

But the important thing here is to remember things change. And sometimes not always for the best, but there’s a good chance it changes again and turns around for you. You’ve got this. Don’t even think about giving up. Understand that inevitable change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Two Posts, One Day

Hi, everyone (again)!

I don’t know why I’m back. I just finished a blog for the company I work for, so maybe that was such boring writing that I had to come back here to finish the night off the right way. Let’s begin: (insert cuss word).

Kidding. Well, mostly. I am happy to be typing away on this website again, that’s for sure. It feels like life’s slowed down a bit. Judging by my dogs, we’re all getting much more comfortable with our surroundings. The young pup is to the right of me, frantically fighting to stay awake. He won’t last long. The older pup? Well, she’s on her perch, protecting this house. I love em’ both.

What else is going on? Let’s check in with you. Anything super fun happen recently? Any firsts? Any subtle changes to your life ending with big differences? Even small differences? Are you giving yourself enough fuckin’ credit yet? I hope so. I really do.

I started this blog through a challenge my buddy gave me. I didn’t think I’d last this long writing on it, honestly. I made sure to try to pick a catchy name so I could stick with it longer, but really it’s turned into something real for me. It’s brought back my love for writing. Yeah, this isn’t the best writing, I know, I know, but fuck it. It’s writing. I like it. Hopefully you like it. If you don’t like it, well, you’re lying. You’re already this far into the blog. If you didn’t like it, you would’ve clicked “back” already or just put your screen down. But you didn’t. You’re still here with me. I’m still here with you.

This blog started as a depression, anxiety, overall mental health outlet for me. It still is. I’m still fighting each and every day. I’m still doubting myself in portions of my day, but not nearly as often as when I first started this thing.

I’m getting better. A few months ago I thought I was going to kill myself. I didn’t. I’m still here. It’s because of you that I’m still here. The reader. The friend who pushed me here. The Pops who reads this shit (and probably winces at every cuss word). It’s you lot that keep me going.

People say happiness comes from within, through loving yourself, etc.. What should be emphasized there? “People say”. It doesn’t mean it applies to you. I don’t think it truly applies to me, honestly. My happiness comes from spending my time for others. It doesn’t come from within. I need you people. I’m not scared to say it. I love you fucking people, even the irritating ones.

Keep being you. Please.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Reflections: Flying Home

I’m sitting in a Burger King right now. Checked in for my flight, head home here in just an hour or so.

What has this trip meant to me?

I originally embarked on this trip filled with zero expectations. I think I managed that. I never set anything in stone on things I had to get done, places I had to see, or people I had to meet. I did a good job on that.

However, I don’t know why I feel like I didn’t do enough this trip. It could have something to do with my crippling depression & constant need for naps throughout the trip to pass some time. But when I think about those naps, they managed to get me through some really tough mental moments.

I leave Maine knowing I saw what I could see. I ventured out as much as I could. I did give it my all. Now I head home without an ounce of knowledge on what to do next, & that’s a scary thought.

My parents will be there for me. My dogs will be there for me.

What did I learn about myself this trip? I still have a knack for meeting strangers and befriending them. That’s good to know. Maybe when I get back home it’ll be time to head back out to bars, to head back out & just talk with people. Maybe I’ll make some new friends. Maybe I’ll rekindle friendships with those that I’ve put aside recently due to my mental state.

This was a positive trip. I maybe cried a bit more than I’d care to admit, but I did something I didn’t think was possible for me. Hell, I thought I might drive off a cliff when I was heading up & down Cadillac Mountain, I was that poor off. But I didn’t. I’m still here. Fighting. Living somewhat, but mostly fighting.

I can’t wait to see my dogs. I can’t wait to be in my own bed. I am excited for what’s next. I’m proud to feel that way.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Life’s Opportune Shifts

Good morning.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts (if you haven’t read my previous posts, shame on you), I’ve recently went through a split/break-up. However, I don’t think I’ve mentioned I moved to a new city about two years back. Thought buying a house was a good idea around my new place of employment. WRONG. This town sucks.

Anyway, what do those two things have in common? Well, each & every day/week/month I’m limited to the occasional hang with my one and only friend in this town, but when she’s busy, well, I just have me. That’s not always a bad thing, but if it’s always the case, that’s a bad thing. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.

Two days ago I was introduced to a woman via a mutual friend. To be honest, I was skeptical, still am. However, we haven’t stopped texting in about 48 hours and she hit me with a “What’s shakin?” this morning instead of a generic “Good morning”, kinda like what I hit you with at the start of this post. I absolutely loved waking up to that. Weird people are the best. A simple “Good morning” is great, too, but nothing beats getting a “What’s shakin?” at 7 AM CST.

You know how I also mentioned I don’t have many friends around me? Well, while walking my dogs down the block yesterday, I walked past a familiar face working on his car. After a look back, a second look back, and a third look back, we both realized we knew each other. And thankfully for good reason.

I guess he and his wife moved in about a week ago. Literally like across the street and two houses down. Nuts. I’ve played a few rec league basketball seasons with this guy & we’ve always connected on the court for a couple of reasons:

  1. We don’t put up with bullshit/crying/excuses on the court
  2. We love throwing our body weight around & possibly causing a testosterone-driven brawl in the paint

He’s a super good dude. Someone I considered a friend while we played basketball each Wednesday, losing majority of the time but hey, we had teams that wanted to beat both of us up at the end of the game & that was a big enough win for us at times. Typical men, I know.

So life’s crazy, opportune shifts. Weird, huh? I started my morning two days ago texting my father I have absolutely nothing fucking to do here in this town. Barely any friends & it’s not like I’m in the best spot to “get out there”.

Well, within 48 hours, quite a bit shifted. Who knows what will happen with this woman, but right now we’re having great conversation & supposedly a date next week. Who knows what my neighbor will be like off the basketball court, but right now I have a chance to be around somewhat of a friend & build off of that. Plus, there’s a basketball hoop up the street at the neighborhood park. Maybe we’ll start there.

I wanted to give up two days ago. I’m sure I’ll want to give up two days from now. It always shifts – that ALWAYS shifts. But sometimes you have to remember that the good shifts almost always outweigh the bad shifts. I went from crying in my bedroom at 7 AM Monday morning to setting up a date with an absolutely gorgeous woman inside-and-out (seemingly) & having a really cool dude move in across the street from me by Wednesday. Also, side note, he likes hot peppers, so I finally have someone to offload the 12,083,203 lbs of peppers I have growing in my backyard.

Life is random. You never know what’s going to happen next. I so almost went with that Forrest Gump quote, oh I was so close. You’re lucky I didn’t do it. I was hopeless two days ago. Absolutely hopeless. At least that’s how I felt. We get down on ourselves like that quite often. We shouldn’t. We do, but we shouldn’t. Why? Because if we keep going strong, if we don’t give up, we always give ourselves a shot at an opportune shift in our daily lives.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.