Much Needed Closure

Receiving a no rather than a maybe is always preferred in my book. This comes down to almost anything, minus maybe a few small things. I work in a competitive market & hear the word “no” quite often, so it doesn’t bother me. If anything, it frees me up to do other things, things actually worth my time. Tasks with potential, or in this case, working on myself.

You lot know I’ve struggled immensely over the past few months with my depression & anxiety. All of that stems from my past, but it was triggered most recently by a breakup. Breakups are never easy – this is the second one I’ve been on the wrong side of, & to be quite honest, I’m terrible at reacclimating my life once a split happens. It’s something I need to work on, & it all starts with that one saying you hear from EVERYBODY: You need to love yourself.

Well, I’ve had issues loving myself for about 15 years now. Some days I adore myself, most days I can’t stand the sight of myself. Now, this is just over the past… seven months, so hopefully I manage to swap those percentages down the road. I mean, that’s why I started this blog – an outlet, somewhere I can place my thoughts, & as I write, I work through my issues. It’s really been a great tool for me, & if you’re just a reader I highly advise you to start your own blog for an outlet. It’s much better than a personal journal.

Closure. I finally received it from my ex. I was told I never stand a chance of getting back with her due to my mental health & how I treat people close to me when I’m struggling. I can’t blame her. She’s right. I treated her like shit. My depression, my anxiety, allowing those two things to control me really controlled everything else I did. Meaning I didn’t have control. I still don’t have control, but I’m getting better. And now with closure, I can start to move on.

Yesterday I read something I thought to be extremely helpful in times like these. “It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.” I can’t remember where I read this, I think Reddit, but it really makes a lot of sense. Now, with closure, I can stare a bit less. I know that moment is gone for me & it’s time to focus on the present & a bit on the future.

Closure is a good thing, even if it’s a bit harsh. False hope is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, & if you have the opportunity to get some closure, even if you think it’s not the answer you want to hear, do it. It will allow you to move forward.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Unsolicited Text From the Ex

I’m writing this because I need help. Not from you, but from writing itself.

My ex, out of the blue, texted me this morning. I didn’t think she’d text me. I also didn’t think it would impact me if she did. I mean, I was having a great week & great morning. I was already on my way to the gym, which is one of my many ways of therapy, and I thought I’d hit the heavy bag till I couldn’t think about that text anymore.

I was wrong. It’s the only thing that’s been on my mind today, and it wasn’t even a good text. She just misses the dog. I’ve been having a fantastic week – I mean, if you read my post from yesterday, you’d know. Did you? Hmm…

This text shook me. I obviously responded and kept the conversation going – that, too, was a mistake. It led to us getting on the phone & talking about what’s been going on in our lives. Oh, and of course, in classic fashion I mentioned I still love her.

Do I regret saying that? No, because it’s the truth. Do I regret looking at my phone this morning? Fuck yes. I’m hoping this post pushes me out of this way of thinking soon. I was having such a great week, there’s no way I should let this diminish that. Right? Right.

What do you people do in situations like this? Do you handle it as poorly as me? I can’t be the only one with trouble letting go. That’s really the problem: I haven’t let go. It’s not the text, it’s me.

Shit, writing really does open your eyes. Try it sometime.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.