Hidden Anger

Hi, everybody!

This morning I woke up a bit off. I didn’t want to go to training for the first time in a long time. I think it was just fatigue, because even after training I went and trained some more. So, yeah, maybe nothing to really think about.

But I think I know what happened. I woke up angry. Why? I don’t know, but I could feel it during training. I was barking orders, telling people my dog can listen to commands better than them, and being a bit more of a “harsh” coach.

Before you say it or think it, no, I didn’t cross a line. I coach boxing. If your mental fortitude is threatened by that “insult”, this sport ain’t for you.

But I did need to think about it internally and talk to you lot about it. Not that specific example, but the random anger I feel today. And it’s super odd, too, because honestly I have the most clear, chore-less day I’ve had in quite some time. I mean, I’m about to shower now and after that I have… nothing? Yeah, nothing to do. It’s weird but I’m excited. I’ll probably eat a gummy and watch some boxing on DAZN. Not something to be angry about, right?

But I speak about awareness a lot and right now is a good example. Even though everything seems fine around me, I must be aware of how I’m feeling internally and adjust anything that could impact me or anyone else in a negative, deconstructive way. So here I am, writing to you, telling myself.

Thanks. Enjoy your Labor Day weekend!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Be A Goldfish

Hi, everybody.

“Be a goldfish” isn’t my line. It’s from a show called Ted Lasso on Apple TV. Highly, highly recommend it. It’s utterly ridiculous at times but well worth it for the laughs.

Do you know what Ted means when he says “Be a goldfish”? Well, according to the script in the show, goldfish keep a memory for approximately ten seconds. Just ten seconds. So when a goldfish has a bad day or fucks up or whatever, it simply forgets that shit ten seconds later. Insane. I mean, I knew fish weren’t bright. I knew that. But ten seconds? Sometimes that would be nice to have as a human.

And that’s why I’m writing AGAIN to you lot today. I was supposed to stop, give myself a rest from writing, but nope… here I am again.

I want to be like a goldfish. I thought I had this month figured out with my job but I got scratched, slapped, and punched yesterday. Almost all of my deals off the table for this month. Bummer, right?

Well, it could be a bummer for only ten seconds. That’s the goal now–remember? Be a goldfish.

What are we talking about here? 😉

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Solid Sparring Rounds

Hi, everybody!

Today is a great Sunday. Coach told me to go whoop that ass this weekend at a “rival” gym and that’s exactly what I did, and that’s exactly what our female boxer did to her sparring partner today. We walked out heads held high. I’m surprised we were invited back next Sunday.

I’m proud of my boxer. She works hard. Harder than me. Crazy thing? She’s in the middle of Ramadan. She doesn’t eat or drink anything if the sun is up. So think about that: She just sparred three 3-minute rounds, one with a pro, and now she goes the rest of the day without water or food.

You lot are probably reading this and saying “COACH, WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER DO THAT?”

She knows her body better than I do. And I trust her to tell me when she’s feeling tired. That’s what a good coach does. We don’t set limitations, but we understand them. It’d be counterproductive for me to set a limitation for her. She knows how hard she can push herself. We trust each other.

Good sparring rounds = one of my favorite ways to start the day. Made a couple guys quit today and for me, that’s huge. Last year at this time I was running a mile in 9 minutes and 17 seconds on average. Now I’m running it in 7 minutes and 6 seconds on average. And it’s only going down from here.

I’m working. I’m working towards something. We all should be working towards something. Find something that excites you. Go for it. Even if it means taking some punches to the gut, liver, and nose.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Therapy Through Punching

Yesterday most of you (the followers, thank you) read I was in a dark place. Don’t let that past-tense fool you, I’m still there. What’s most important is that I’m still here. Living, breathing, trying to calm down.

Yet what helps me is my passion. My passion for boxing, which I wholeheartedly attribute my breakaway from addiction to. Now that I’m not fighting anymore, I coach, & I coach for free.

20 of the 24 hours of yesterday sucked ass. Yet, the four hours I spent volunteering my time to help build strength, stamina, & most importantly, self confidence, helped me more than it helped the boxers I was training.

I guess Anthony De Mello was right when he said every act, even a charitable one, is selfish. Look what I just said. It helped me. That’s not a bad thing necessarily if your perspective shines in a positive light. If the training didn’t help me, I wouldn’t be there to do it. Those individuals coming to learn wouldn’t have me as their coach. They wouldn’t get to see me perform in my now-natural environment. They wouldn’t be able to build their confidence like I did ten years back with boxing.

I’m here now outside of myself. I’m here for others. I haven’t given up on myself, but I’ve tried almost everything under the sun to break through my depressive disorder. It always comes back, sometimes (most of the time) more fierce than the last time. Yesterday I lashed out on my mother, lashed out on my father, & went to bed at 4 AM. I’m not OK, but I’m doing my damn best.

As my coach always said: Chin down, eyes up. (Keeps ya from getting knocked out.)

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.