Money Still on My Mind

Hi, everybody.

I can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t help that I see people with much more money than I have at a much younger age. I feel like I’ve failed to this point. My 401k is nothing special, my investments are shit, and my savings is more than lacking.

I’m drowning. I just want to not worry about money for a month or two. That’s it. But bills keep piling on. Medical expenses mainly. I need to get my wrist checked out because I can’t pick up anything with it but I can’t take on that medical bill. It’s just too much for me.

I ordered contacts today. That’ll be $200. When will I pick them up? Probably Friday after I’m paid. Because right now I’m back to living paycheck to paycheck. Actually I wouldn’t even call it living. I’m under stress every day from it even with paying my bills on time. I keep seeing the red get more red. I need it to stop. I need it to stop. But it won’t. I’ll stay in this cycle forever by the looks of it. It’s been over a decade like this. I have no clue how to fix it. No clue whatsoever. My only option right now feels like investments. Long-term of course, but fuck I need to handle my debt. I need to. It eats at me.

UGH.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Marcus Aurelius Quotes

If you remove your judgement of anything that seems painful, you yourself stand quite immune to pain. ‘What self?’ Reason. ‘But I am not just reason.’ Granted. So let your reason cause itself no pain, and if some other part of you is in trouble, it can form its own judgment for itself.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

My soul, will you ever be good, simple, individual, bare, brighter than the body that covers you? Will you ever be complete and free of need, missing nothing, desiring nothing live or lifeless for the enjoyment of pleasure?

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

We were born for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of upper and lower teeth. So to work in opposition to one another is against nature: and anger or rejection is opposition.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

Life for each of us is a mere moment, and this life of yours is nearly over, while you still show yourself no honor, but you let your own welfare depend on other people’s souls.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Making My Own Schedule

Hi, everyone.

Have I written about this before? I think I have. It would be simple to go back and look but let’s just carry on, shall we?

Why am I asking you that? You don’t make my schedule.

See what I did there? (Corny, yeah.) I am having some issues. This morning I went into training again and received no mitt work, no instruction, and I was told to help another boxer out. I was supposed to fight June 26th. Coach says I’m not ready, but I’ve been running my sprints and doing everything on my own to make sure I am ready.

But he won’t train me. He won’t put in the time. But I’m putting in the time to come work with the other boxers and help coach and yada yada. And I love coaching, you lot know that, but I don’t like commitments broken. A week or two back, Coach told me we would put together a training schedule to get ready. He was at my house for Memorial Day. We didn’t get a schedule put together.

Frustrating.

So now what do I do? Oh, today is also filled with everything that I didn’t come up with. Not a single thing on my agenda is something I said, “Hey, let’s do this.” Am I bitching over nothing? Probably. But I can bitch here. See, that’s the power of having this outlet. I can come here and bitch to you lot. And if you don’t like it, you can shut down the WordPress app or open a new tab, but that’s what this place does for me. Allows a release.

My buddy gave me a poem yesterday. I think it’s a good thing to leave off with because the main reason for this blog today was to get this shit out of my head and put it down. Make it concrete. Stop thinking about it so much internally and push it out to you lot. Aren’t you feeling lucky today? But again I’m getting off track. Let’s read this poem my buddy gave me, yeah?

Like cairns on an unkempt trail
words point the way
to the summit of thought
the last though before silence
swallows the world in realization
that the symbols are stones
just lying around
waiting aeons to roll toward the sea
until we stack them
upon one another to say,
“This way! You’re on the right track.”
to someone we may never shake hands,
nor share our water with
because deep down we know
that they are the same as us
and feel safer when another self
leaves a cairn or a ladder of words
to let us know that they too chose
this path and found sure footing there.
Unknown Poet

My buddy got me that poem because that’s what this blog kinda is. And fuck it’s a good poem, isn’t it? I don’t even like poetry and I like that one.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Blogs For Days

Hi, everybody.

We’re at Day 33 now. Insane. Never thought we’d get this far on this streak.

To be fair, I’m not writing because of the streak anymore. Sadly I can’t prove that because again I’m waking up with no real thoughts to put to paper, but just thinking this shit out helps me every morning. I guess you could say it’s part of my routine now.

And I’m over 130 blogs now. I’m fuckin’ stoked about that.

It’s my 30th birthday weekend. I might, might not blog this weekend. I really don’t know. I’ve been quiet about it because it’s honestly scary for me to think about (never thought I’d make it this far – seems to be a theme) so I don’t have much planned. That means I should have time to write. But I don’t want to commit. So I’m not going to commit. That’s my birthday present to myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Today I Can’t Talk

Hi, everybody!

BIG study day for me today. Final assessment out of the company boot camp tomorrow morning. Also, today’s a day I like peace and quiet. Along with the pressure for the presentation tomorrow, it happens to be the anniversary of my brother’s death today.

I can get further into detail about all of this stuff at a later date. Today my goals are to keep my head down and study, be there for my parents at the cemetery, and play some damn good sand volleyball. That’s all I got for you today. Heart is racing quite a bit and it’s racing more as a type, so it’s time to sign off devices.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Mother’s Day Post

Hi, everybody.

And of course, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms reading this post. You are very much appreciated in this world, even if you have a son like me who sometimes doesn’t show it the best.

But today isn’t about me. Mother’s Day is about my Ma. And always a good reminder that I do need to be a better son each and every day.

My mother is something special. I bitch and moan on here but her story is much more difficult than mine.

She lost her son, had a massive brain aneurysm, and had to deal with a drug addict son (me) for a long while.

But she never faltered. My Ma is the strongest person I know. I talk about my Pops on here a lot, but my Ma is the most resilient individual to ever grace this planet. I really believe that. She is… such a pure individual who gives and shows love to each and every single person she comes across.

I love my Ma. She doesn’t see these posts, but I plan on putting these words into action. Showing gratitude. It’s important we do that as sons and daughters — it’s one of the only ways we can ever “payback” our parents and/or parental figures.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma. I love you. Maybe you’ll read this one day.

Get out there and hug your Ma and/or mother figure in your life. Show that gratitude.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waiting at Vet

Hi, everybody.

Title is pretty self-explanatory. I’m at the vet. Both dogs getting juiced up with their yearly shots so I decided to write to you lot. Hopefully they’re drowsy the rest of the day, right? I could use a break from their energy.

So what’s on the agenda today? BOXING! And fixing up a boxing club that’s been in the community for 43 years. It’s a tremendous place run by one of the best men you could possibly meet. He’s run this club for FORTY THREE years. And it’s all been free for inner city kids to come box and compete out of there. You hear that? 43 years of service to community. All to help, not for money. Pretty damn cool.

Combat sports are cool. The community is even cooler. You would think we’re all jerks who want to beat everyone up, but it’s quite the opposite. Now put us in a ring with someone and yeah, we want to beat that person up. But I’ve never seen a more helpful and inclusive community than the boxing community here where I live.

I’m excited to go down there and paint some more, bullshit with the coaches, and give my boxers hell for messing up on the trim.

Today’s another busy day, but another good busy day. I’m excited for today. I hope you are, too. If you aren’t, think about volunteering some of your time. It’s never a wasteful act.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Two Posts, One Day

Hi, everyone (again)!

I don’t know why I’m back. I just finished a blog for the company I work for, so maybe that was such boring writing that I had to come back here to finish the night off the right way. Let’s begin: (insert cuss word).

Kidding. Well, mostly. I am happy to be typing away on this website again, that’s for sure. It feels like life’s slowed down a bit. Judging by my dogs, we’re all getting much more comfortable with our surroundings. The young pup is to the right of me, frantically fighting to stay awake. He won’t last long. The older pup? Well, she’s on her perch, protecting this house. I love em’ both.

What else is going on? Let’s check in with you. Anything super fun happen recently? Any firsts? Any subtle changes to your life ending with big differences? Even small differences? Are you giving yourself enough fuckin’ credit yet? I hope so. I really do.

I started this blog through a challenge my buddy gave me. I didn’t think I’d last this long writing on it, honestly. I made sure to try to pick a catchy name so I could stick with it longer, but really it’s turned into something real for me. It’s brought back my love for writing. Yeah, this isn’t the best writing, I know, I know, but fuck it. It’s writing. I like it. Hopefully you like it. If you don’t like it, well, you’re lying. You’re already this far into the blog. If you didn’t like it, you would’ve clicked “back” already or just put your screen down. But you didn’t. You’re still here with me. I’m still here with you.

This blog started as a depression, anxiety, overall mental health outlet for me. It still is. I’m still fighting each and every day. I’m still doubting myself in portions of my day, but not nearly as often as when I first started this thing.

I’m getting better. A few months ago I thought I was going to kill myself. I didn’t. I’m still here. It’s because of you that I’m still here. The reader. The friend who pushed me here. The Pops who reads this shit (and probably winces at every cuss word). It’s you lot that keep me going.

People say happiness comes from within, through loving yourself, etc.. What should be emphasized there? “People say”. It doesn’t mean it applies to you. I don’t think it truly applies to me, honestly. My happiness comes from spending my time for others. It doesn’t come from within. I need you people. I’m not scared to say it. I love you fucking people, even the irritating ones.

Keep being you. Please.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Surprises Should Make Ya Think

Yesterday I woke up dehydrated from the previous night. No, not from booze. It was 90 degrees (all humidity) & I played an INTENSE volleyball match in which we lost.

I then proceeded to hang out with a friend &, well, I ran out of gas. I drove an hour home & laid down, chugging as much water as I possibly could. Didn’t really help. Totally forgot about the usefulness of pickle juice.

Anyway, I was freaking out last night & yesterday morning not because I was dehydrated, but because my ex was coming over to pick up some stuff & say hi to the pup. What was the biggest surprise of it all? She stayed for close to 10 hours. Boy, did we have fun.

Am I worried about the fun we had? No. Am I worried about false hope? No. Did yesterday feel normal? Yes. That’s what I’m worried about. It felt normal, which felt good. Gotta push that to the back of my mind… or do I?

Today I’ve decided the best way to push it waaaaaay back into my mind is help my Pops with some manual labor. Building a deck, to be exact. He’ll do most of the work, I guarantee it, but I’ll do what I can. Maybe that’ll keep yesterday off my mind a bit more. Or will it? Should it matter?

But sometimes I think… why fight it? I had a great time yesterday, why push that away? I think it’s the surprise aspect of it all. I just didn’t expect it. Now it’s time to either internalize it, think on it, or act on it. I think the middle option seems the smartest, wouldn’t you agree?

Each day brings surprises, some bad, some good. Always take sufficient time to think on these surprises because, well, you didn’t have time to think about them before because, well, they’re surprises. Don’t get too high. Don’t get too low. It’s so very important.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.