Tag: blogging

Writing to Write

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’ll admit, you probably won’t find anything special in this post. Not much motivation today & I’m starving – breaded pork chops almost finished in the oven. The timer starts now.

Today I racked my brain because of one thing: I didn’t write a blog yesterday. Yeah, maybe that’s not a big deal, but the reason I didn’t write one is definitely a big deal. I was lost, beat up, and felt like giving up. Luckily, I have that support system I keep telling you about. However, I should’ve given myself some support. How? By writing.

I’ve found that no matter how many people actually read this damn thing, it helps me break what feels like a blood clot in my chest. It helps me breathe. It helps me… be me. Writing is truly beautiful. Reading, not so much. I’ve had enough of the self-help books & awareness books by now. I’ll definitely keep reading them, but my mind can’t take the rawness of them at the current moment.

So, yeah. I don’t really have much going on today or tonight. I’m still getting over a break-up and to be honest, it’s destroying me each and every day. I keep fighting because I know I have to. I keep writing because I know I have to. I keep living because I know I have to.

Don’t let this post get you down. This is a good thing. This is a person, distressed, making sure they’re taking care of themselves any which way possible. You should try it, honestly.

Whether it’s writing or… fishing? I don’t know what the opposite would be to writing, but fishing sounds much less intense & self-defeating. Find someone or something that’s an outlet for you. Find a way to to get everything and anything off your chest.

None of you know me. None of you can judge me (because I won’t know about it, but you probably do judge me… how dare you). I do hope I help some people on this. I’m not doing it all for myself, I promise you that. About 95% for myself, yeah, but the other 5% goes to you. I’ve always been a generous guy.

Again, no clue what the hell you’ll get out of this. Just find an outlet, alright? Don’t stew on your bullshit. It’s not healthy. I say that as I spent about two hours this morning moping and crying. Again, just because I type this some nice, feel-good shit doesn’t mean I live it every moment of the day. I fail so, so often. It’s OK to fail. It’s OK to fail as long as you know you can win someday.

I’m hoping tomorrow is that day. I really do. Most likely it won’t be, but that hope keeps me going. Along with this writing. OH! And those pork chops. Time to pull them out of the oven.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Relationships Don’t Work (if we aren’t aware)

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

I’ve noticed in my depression, anxiety, the other side, that I am just not very good at relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. I am good… when I’m good. When the other side is in control? Nah, not good. I mean the shit that comes out of my mouth is unreal. I know I cuss a lot on this blog, but you should see that other side in real life. Actually, you shouldn’t.

OK, back to it. Being bad at relationships, right? It has me wondering, and I wouldn’t mind if you pitched in here, Mr. or Ms. Reader, should I involve myself with anyone else in whatever’s left of my life?

It’s a really bleak question to ask yourself when you’re on that other side, but it’s an interesting question when you’re not. You know you can be good, but sometimes you fail. Actually, it’s not just sometimes. It’s a lot of the time. Like waaaaay too much. How many people that you love have you pushed away? Luckily I can still count on one hand, but it’s getting close to that second hand.

So what can people like us do? We can’t deny ourselves the joy that love can bring, that companionship brings, just because of our stupid mental illness. That’s worsening your own self. That’s denying your good side a chance to show up a bit more often.

But is it fair for the other person? This is the one I struggle with. My mind, everything really, tells me no. But there’s this thought in the back of my mind, really deep back there, that says yes, it is fair. Why? Because there’s something called unconditional love, and there will be that person out there for you, that unconditionally loves you and puts up with your other side because they, again, unconditionally love you.

Also, be mindful. Be aware. Understand when you need to step away. Sticking around and trying to battle that other side while you’re with the person you care most about… don’t do that. Separate yourself. At least for me, that’s what’s helped in the past. It just hasn’t been quite enough. Maybe you’re better at talking it out than I am. Do what fits you best.

Another thing to always tell yourself is you will never know when you’ll find love. It’s stupid to think that you being active on a dating app or heading to the bars will bring you love. Nothing brings you love. That shit just shows up, and when it does, remember what I said. Be mindful. Be aware. Step away when needed. And as always, try your best to think of that good side you have.

I’m sure I’ll write more on this subject, but for now, that’s all I got.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.