Pressure

Hi, everyone.

I’m beginning to feel immense pressure to succeed in everything. I’m not mad about it – I think pressure is needed at times to enhance growth. However, falling asleep at 8 PM on a Saturday and waking up at 3 AM because of pressure isn’t a good thing.

So what’s keeping me in this pressurized space? I have a girlfriend now and I forgot how much time I need to set aside to spend time with her. I honestly forgot. I enjoy her company but I enjoy my time – mainly because I need to get shit done, like blog. Oh, and blogging is a bit of pressure. I know none of you expect me to keep the streak alive, but I expect to keep the streak alive. Why? No clue.

What else? Oh, I’m not doing the best at work. I’m not doing terrible, but I’d like to be doing a helluva lot better.

I’m supposed to be boxing competitvely shortly but it seems like I’m just training to train. I don’t know if my coach will ever match me up again and it’s bothering me. Why? Because I feel the pressure to continue to get better each and every day. I haven’t taken a rest day in two weeks. I am bothered by the fact that my stamina isn’t where it needs to be, but it doesn’t make sense to be bothered. Why? Well, I don’t have a fight lined up.

Money. Well, if you’ve read my last few posts, you know I’m fucked with money. I’d rather not talk about the pressure there.

There’s plenty more but I didn’t come on here to bitch to you lot. I came here seeking advice. What do I prioritize? How do I say no to things? How can I take some time for myself without sounding like a dick to my girlfriend and close friends? What the hell do I do to alleviate this pressure?

Back to it.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

QUOTE DAY!

Hi, everybody.

I’m super busy today so how about I leave you with some impactful quotes today? OK!

And see that you keep a cheerful demeanor, and retain your independence of outside help and the peace which others can give. Your duty is to stand straight – not held straight.

Marcus Aurelius

As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished. No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that.

Anthony de Mello

When you have reconciled internally, peace and love become possible. When you embody peace and love, you can change a difficult situation more easily.

Thich Nhat Hanh

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Money Problems

Hi, everyone.

I don’t have “money problems”. I mean, I do, but it’s more debt problems. Nothing major but it does bother me. One thing I haven’t figured out yet is how to properly manage my money, my budget, etc..

And without management, shit hits the fan. Like today when I logged into my accounts: YEESH. Can’t wait till Friday for my paycheck so I can pay off debt, pay off medical bills, and be exactly where I am right now. See, that’s the thing: The money never stops going out. It stops coming in, but it never stops going out.

I’m stressed. Everything that was going well for me is spiraling downward, including boxing. I’m losing it a bit. I’m waking up a bit later now, lacking motivation, and my thoughts before bed are horrendous.

I’m scared again. This should be titled “Problems”, not “Money Problems”.

Oh, I think this makes 50 days in a row. Yippee. Hooray. Meh.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Marcus Aurelius Quotes

If you remove your judgement of anything that seems painful, you yourself stand quite immune to pain. ‘What self?’ Reason. ‘But I am not just reason.’ Granted. So let your reason cause itself no pain, and if some other part of you is in trouble, it can form its own judgment for itself.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

My soul, will you ever be good, simple, individual, bare, brighter than the body that covers you? Will you ever be complete and free of need, missing nothing, desiring nothing live or lifeless for the enjoyment of pleasure?

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

We were born for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of upper and lower teeth. So to work in opposition to one another is against nature: and anger or rejection is opposition.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

Life for each of us is a mere moment, and this life of yours is nearly over, while you still show yourself no honor, but you let your own welfare depend on other people’s souls.

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Me

Making My Own Schedule

Hi, everyone.

Have I written about this before? I think I have. It would be simple to go back and look but let’s just carry on, shall we?

Why am I asking you that? You don’t make my schedule.

See what I did there? (Corny, yeah.) I am having some issues. This morning I went into training again and received no mitt work, no instruction, and I was told to help another boxer out. I was supposed to fight June 26th. Coach says I’m not ready, but I’ve been running my sprints and doing everything on my own to make sure I am ready.

But he won’t train me. He won’t put in the time. But I’m putting in the time to come work with the other boxers and help coach and yada yada. And I love coaching, you lot know that, but I don’t like commitments broken. A week or two back, Coach told me we would put together a training schedule to get ready. He was at my house for Memorial Day. We didn’t get a schedule put together.

Frustrating.

So now what do I do? Oh, today is also filled with everything that I didn’t come up with. Not a single thing on my agenda is something I said, “Hey, let’s do this.” Am I bitching over nothing? Probably. But I can bitch here. See, that’s the power of having this outlet. I can come here and bitch to you lot. And if you don’t like it, you can shut down the WordPress app or open a new tab, but that’s what this place does for me. Allows a release.

My buddy gave me a poem yesterday. I think it’s a good thing to leave off with because the main reason for this blog today was to get this shit out of my head and put it down. Make it concrete. Stop thinking about it so much internally and push it out to you lot. Aren’t you feeling lucky today? But again I’m getting off track. Let’s read this poem my buddy gave me, yeah?

Like cairns on an unkempt trail
words point the way
to the summit of thought
the last though before silence
swallows the world in realization
that the symbols are stones
just lying around
waiting aeons to roll toward the sea
until we stack them
upon one another to say,
“This way! You’re on the right track.”
to someone we may never shake hands,
nor share our water with
because deep down we know
that they are the same as us
and feel safer when another self
leaves a cairn or a ladder of words
to let us know that they too chose
this path and found sure footing there.
Unknown Poet

My buddy got me that poem because that’s what this blog kinda is. And fuck it’s a good poem, isn’t it? I don’t even like poetry and I like that one.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Finding Time for Myself

Hi, everybody.

Here I am, again, struggling to find time. Struggling to achieve anything outside of what others want from me. This weekend I have a surprise 30th birthday party, training, mandatory landscaping work, a date, and somehow I need to get my week ready for work next week.

It’s becoming a bit too much. I’m drowning. I’m waking up disappointed, defeated. I go to bed later because I don’t want the responsibilities of the next day to fall on me.

Is this being an adult? Having a calendar and literally just making sure I’m going to everything I’ve lent a commitment to (purposefully or forced)? It can’t be. I want to travel. I want to get out and do more things for myself. I want to be selfish right now before this becomes a problem and drops me back to where I was.

Sadly, I don’t know how to do that. Telling people “no” isn’t my thing. Also, I use a lot of my time to help others, whether it’s resumes or boxing, so without me around, where do they go?

Anyway, sorry for bitching. I’m struggling again. This upcoming weekend isn’t exciting for me, it’s just more work.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Face to Face Meeting!

Hi, everyone!

We’re back! I’m in Sales as many of you know. Today is a big day. The person who handled the state I live in was fired, so I asked to take over for her. First things first, I hit up some of my old contacts. BOOM! First outreach, first meeting booked. And guess what? It’s in person. It’s been… over a year and a half since I’ve had a business meeting in person. I’m fucking pumped.

I thrive in person, believe it or not. Online? Not as much but I still do well. I’m very excited to be able to be myself 100% and just have a conversation with the guy. A “no” is the worse that can happen. Don’t let “no” bring you fear. It used to scare me. Now I embrace it. You want to know what I really, really dislike? “Maybe”. Like… get out of here with that. Give me a yes or a no. It’s simple.

Is the world getting back to “normal”? Sure feels like it. I’m hoping I hit big on commission soon so I can get out to see my buddy on the east coast. Today’s my first step towards that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

P.S. I had some wonderful quotes from Marcus Aurelius to post today but I think I’ll get those in later this week.

What’s Next?

Hi, everybody.

You’ve heard me ask it a few times this week: What’s next?

I’ve found my routine. I enjoy my routine. I mention my routine quite a bit to you lot. Just now I mentioned it three times. However, I need more spice in my life. God, I felt lame typing that. Still feel lame. Let’s move on.

What do I mean by spice? Shit, I don’t really know. I would love to travel to the east coast to see my best friend but that costs a bit of money and I would need to find dog sitters. Outside of that, I’d love to umm… I really don’t know. My fight was called off due to my coach… not really coaching me. Kind of a bummer but I’ll keep training and stay ready. I’m enjoying how I feel outside of the aches and pains that come with it nowadays being 30 and all.

I’m getting distracted. So what’s next? I’d love some damn ideas. If you have some, shoot them over. I still coach. I obviously still blog. I still play video games. I still walk my dogs. I mean, my days are relatively full, but they’re missing something.

Maybe it’s not about what’s next and it’s more about what am I missing? Or am I missing anything at all? Just awareness? Am I lacking gratitude?

Writing is fucking weird and powerful. I have no conclusion here at the end of this blog but my initial question transferred me to a new question. Time to explore.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sluggish

Hi, everybody!

Still no great idea on a “theme” for this blog moving forward so again, you get to read me just word vomit this late morning.

Sluggish? Yeah, I’m sluggish today. Tired because I stayed up too late looking at screens (boxing fights on demand aren’t fair). I need to eat healthier. I’m supposed to box competitively in two weeks and I have 5 pounds to cut. Nothing major there. But I do need to eat healthier. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling sluggish?

Maybe I’m sluggish because I keep telling myself I’m sluggish. Ever thought about that? Maybe if I get off my ass right now and walk my dogs, the whole day will change. Energy will increase. I’ll be able to smile with both eyes open. Maybe. But that maybe is worth a shot. I’ll talk to you lot tomorrow.

Eh, I feel bad about the lack of effort here. How about a quote before I go?

Happiness releases you from self. It is suffering and pain and misery and depression that tie you to the self. Look how conscious you are of your tooth when you have a toothache. When you don’t have a toothache, you’re not even aware you have a tooth, or that you have a head, for that matter, when you don’t have a headache. But it’s so different when you have a splitting headache.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Sneaking It In

Good evening, everybody!

Not often do I write to you lot this late. It’s past 10 PM where I’m at right now. Almost broke the streak, phew. Thankfully I have nothing better to do than think about tomorrow and not sleep for the next… three hours? That sounds about right.

Honestly it’s been a great day. Family and friends came by for a relaxing grill out. Good morning workout. Dogs relaxed. Neighbors friendly. I might be making NFTs and I don’t even know what they really are. I mean it was a pretty damn good day.

But I’ve been thinking… I don’t want to keep updating you lot on my day. I need a mission here. I need a purpose to this blog outside of myself. Yes, this helps me. Writing to you helps me, but that’s selfish. I don’t want it to be like that.

So what am I good at? Talking? Kinda. Coaching? I think so. Life advice? Who the hell wants that. Dog photos? Can’t do that, might be able to pin my identity then. Humor? I’m not that funny.

Till I figure out what to do next with this blog, you’ll keep reading what my professors used to call “word vomiting”. I’m not even thinking when I’m writing to you. Just typing. Little fingers going pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter – ok, sorry, that turned into a little game for me. Wanted to see how quickly I could type “pitter patter” over and over again till I messed up. Let’s try it again.

Pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patterp FUCK. That was fun, though.

Are you lost?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.