Cast Aside

Hi, everybody.

I lost another person in my life. Not to death, don’t worry about that, but a relationship I’ve been in and out of over the past three years blocked me to heal. She felt that our open communication wasn’t allowing either of us to heal – and I somewhat agree, but I’m left heavily confused and at a loss for self worth.

What blows my mind is how healing means throwing someone completely away. No possible future communication – all memories just that, memories. Nothing more. And most are in the process of being deleted out of my devices and hopefully out of my memory.

I’m self destructing as usual. I wanted to blog today because I thought it would help me feel better. Instead, I see a recurring situation here. I’m always moaning. I’m always talking about how much I suck, how small I am, and how much value I find in myself. That sucks. I don’t have much more time to figure all of this out. Each night I lie down in bed and hope to fall asleep without hitting an existential crisis and overwhelming thoughts of mortality. It doesn’t happen often. And when it does, it’s because I’ve stayed up with distractions that do nothing to better my life just so my mind is dead enough to just turn the fuck off.

I don’t get why I never feel good enough. To myself. To others. To family. To friends. To even my dog. It’s weird, and I know it all starts with loving myself. Understanding myself. All of that jazz. The stuff I talk about sometimes on here. But sometimes that shit feels unachievable. Each time I love myself, someone tells me a reason they don’t love me – and that builds and builds in my mind. At what point do I completely shut myself out from people? I feel it’s coming close. I find distractions just to keep going. I find distractions to keep breathing. I find distractions to cast aside who I am, who I need to be, and if I’ll ever be enough to myself.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.