Losing My Raw Side

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Last Jog Before the Fight

Hi, everybody.

I hope you’re having a splendid morning. I am, I think? Woke up, went for a 2-mile jog to get the legs going, had a great glass of iced coffee, and now I’m going to take a break from work and hit the sauna.

A couple days before the fight–always a weird time. You don’t know if you’re doing too much, too little, or just enough. Also, making sure you keep on weight is… stressful at times. But I’m here today not so much to talk about myself, but to talk about my journey to this fight.

I was thinking about it on my jog. I’ve trained over six months for this fight. Mentally I’ve been training for over a year. And it hasn’t been easy. I’ve had thoughts of suicide, spells of extreme loneliness, and many lash-outs to those I love. I’ve been nowhere near perfect, but without this fight and sport in front of me, I wouldn’t be typing to you right now. I would be dead.

This fight is life to me. Not life or death, but life. Yes, I may have some issues at work and with my overall life and where it’s headed (where the fuck is it headed?) but I do know one thing: I have a passion, and I’m following that passion.

My friends, no matter how you feel today, remember the journey. You’ve done so much to get to where you are right now–don’t discount that, even if it’s not exactly where you thought you would be. Remember, we have no fucking clue what’s going to happen in this world, in our own lives, hell, even within the next 10 or so minutes. Embrace it. Embrace your lack of control and be you. Be proud.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Searching for Something New

Hi, everybody.

As usual, I’m midday and lost. However, I think I may have a slight sense of direction from an email I just received.

I’m being moved forward in an interview process for a non-profit. I highly doubt I get the position, but it’s nice to be looked at and considered for the position. But why? Why am I looking for a job when I just started a new job back in April?

Well, to be quite honest with you lot, I’m dying doing what I’m currently doing. I dread my late nights because I have to wake up and do my job all over again the next day. It’s not a good feeling–especially when all you want to do is quit your job but you have a mortgage to pay. It sucks, really. I don’t have any passion towards what I’m doing anymore. I used to love sales, now I’m… well, already burned out? No, I’m just not working for the right company. Not working towards the right goals.

So I’ve adjusted. I understand that the non-profits I apply for won’t be as much money as what I’m currently making, but doesn’t passion count for something? Doesn’t wanting to wake up to actually do your job count for much more than an extra 10-20 thousand a year? I think it does. Who knows, maybe it doesn’t, but right now… I need something different. Something with purpose. And I think I’m on the right track for that something new in my life.

It’s exciting. It’s scary. I’ll keep you posted.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Done Before Noon

Hi, everybody.

If you read my post from yesterday, you might be surprised to hear that I’m relatively calm today. Collected. Things aren’t making sense, I’m just not really too focused on making them make sense.

Quick recap: Broke up with my significant other yesterday. Pitied myself on this blog. Worked through some questions for myself. Moved on with my day.

So this morning I was back to normal, in a sense… whatever normal really is for me. I was back at the community center this morning coaching and I treated myself to a good breakfast right after. Cleaned the house, gave the dogs a walk and a bone each, and well… now I’m “done” for the day. I think I’ll nap next, sounds nice. Let’s move the hell on.

The Olympics are on in front of me, how about that be our topic for today? Right now I’m watching Dutch v. Korean archery. They get super, duper intense, especially the Korean team. It’s honestly fun to watch. Yes, they’re literally doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again but the passion is there. They’ve trained so many months/years/whatever to be in this exact moment. That’s pretty damn cool. I don’t care if you find a sport boring, it’s still impressive when someone is THAT good at something like an archery or a pole vault. Yeah, the sport itself doesn’t excite me but the level of competition and passion excites me. Shit, I watched water polo earlier today. It was… boring but they had a lot of passion and shit. I couldn’t tread water for that long. It’s impressive. Don’t hate!

What’s your favorite Olympic sport? Let’s talk strictly Summer Olympics. I’ll choose… Beach Volleyball and Boxing.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Need A New Hobby

Hi, everybody.

Title pretty much speaks for itself. I do need a new hobby. I’m getting burned out of video gaming, boxing, and coaching. I don’t consider hanging out with my dogs a hobby nor do I consider anything I do for work a hobby. Also, a hobby isn’t “going out to drinks with friends”, it’s just simply not a hobby.

So as a 30-year old man I’m posed with a question: What the f do I do?

Knitting is out of the picture. Collecting rocks is out of the picture. Doing puzzles is out of the picture.

What do you lot do for fun? What keeps you ticking? I could pick reading back up – it’s been a while since I’ve been an avid reader, but that’s difficult to get my mind to execute in a good fashion. So, what? What do I do?

I’m asking my readers here, my friends here, about anything they do for fun. Please let me know, my eyes are starting to burn every day because majority of my hobbies include this computer, my phone, my other computer, etc. I’m getting a bit burned out, along with my retinas.

Any suggestions are welcome! Thanks in advance.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Goal Met

Hi, everybody!

Writing from my phone today. You’ll never guess. I’m busy again today.

WordPress does this thing which notifies you when you’re on a blog post streak. I set out a month ago to knock out 30 in 30 days, and just yesterday I was notified from my last post that I did in fact achieve that goal.

So I guess I’m done here. Thanks for reading.

I’m kidding (you could probably tell). There’s less pressure on me from myself to write now, but I think I’ve built a good habit of making sure I get something down on this site.

I need to come up with a list of topics moving forward. I still just sit down and start typing. Let’s see… what would be good to go over? Let’s try gratitude.

Today I’m grateful for many things: Friendships, family, steady job, boxing (my passion), coaching (having an issue here but still grateful), the food in my fridge, the water in my outdated water cooler, MY DOGS, really so so much. My life is pretty dang cool. So is your life. Please remember that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Waiting at Vet

Hi, everybody.

Title is pretty self-explanatory. I’m at the vet. Both dogs getting juiced up with their yearly shots so I decided to write to you lot. Hopefully they’re drowsy the rest of the day, right? I could use a break from their energy.

So what’s on the agenda today? BOXING! And fixing up a boxing club that’s been in the community for 43 years. It’s a tremendous place run by one of the best men you could possibly meet. He’s run this club for FORTY THREE years. And it’s all been free for inner city kids to come box and compete out of there. You hear that? 43 years of service to community. All to help, not for money. Pretty damn cool.

Combat sports are cool. The community is even cooler. You would think we’re all jerks who want to beat everyone up, but it’s quite the opposite. Now put us in a ring with someone and yeah, we want to beat that person up. But I’ve never seen a more helpful and inclusive community than the boxing community here where I live.

I’m excited to go down there and paint some more, bullshit with the coaches, and give my boxers hell for messing up on the trim.

Today’s another busy day, but another good busy day. I’m excited for today. I hope you are, too. If you aren’t, think about volunteering some of your time. It’s never a wasteful act.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Half Day By Surprise

Hi, everybody!

I woke up this morning with three extremely painful fingers, a weak right wrist, lower back pain, and immense shoulder tightness. Wasn’t thrilled. Age is a factor when it comes to training, also my recovery sessions aren’t nearly good enough.

Well, I’ve told you lot before sometimes things just happen for us. I thought today I would have to sit in front of this computer and just sit in this slightly uncomfortable pain all day, but my boss messaged me early this morning.

“Have a good weekend?”

Easily, yes. I did have a great weekend. Not even a question.

He followed with, “Boot camp starts tomorrow, how about you take a half day today?”

Easily, yes. My body thanks you.

Now I get it, this is pure coincidence. “This won’t happen for me.” I can hear you yelling back at me already.

But I bet it does happen for you. Maybe not in this exact way, but the world isn’t out to get you. You might be out to get yourself, but no, the world isn’t out to get you. People might be, but you have the power to change who you surround yourself with, what you surround yourself with, and putting yourself in the right circumstances for good things to happen for you.

That’s what I’ve spent the last six months doing. Putting myself in better places, better circumstances so good things do happen. I couldn’t keep getting stepped on. I couldn’t get kicked anymore. I had to fight back and I had to make changes. I’m happy I did. I’m happy I realized I do have enough strength to beat my depression and anxiety, even if it’s just for a few moments a day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Solid Sparring Rounds

Hi, everybody!

Today is a great Sunday. Coach told me to go whoop that ass this weekend at a “rival” gym and that’s exactly what I did, and that’s exactly what our female boxer did to her sparring partner today. We walked out heads held high. I’m surprised we were invited back next Sunday.

I’m proud of my boxer. She works hard. Harder than me. Crazy thing? She’s in the middle of Ramadan. She doesn’t eat or drink anything if the sun is up. So think about that: She just sparred three 3-minute rounds, one with a pro, and now she goes the rest of the day without water or food.

You lot are probably reading this and saying “COACH, WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER DO THAT?”

She knows her body better than I do. And I trust her to tell me when she’s feeling tired. That’s what a good coach does. We don’t set limitations, but we understand them. It’d be counterproductive for me to set a limitation for her. She knows how hard she can push herself. We trust each other.

Good sparring rounds = one of my favorite ways to start the day. Made a couple guys quit today and for me, that’s huge. Last year at this time I was running a mile in 9 minutes and 17 seconds on average. Now I’m running it in 7 minutes and 6 seconds on average. And it’s only going down from here.

I’m working. I’m working towards something. We all should be working towards something. Find something that excites you. Go for it. Even if it means taking some punches to the gut, liver, and nose.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Concentration Creates Stimulation

Hi, everybody!

First off, the title is a direct quote from Brené Brown. I’m not that clever to come up with such a statement. But let’s talk about it. Also, let’s keep the streak alive (6 days, yup yup).

Concentration creates stimulation. It’s true. The other way around? Not so much all the time. But concentration does stimulate us and usually what’s around us. Intensifies everything. Makes things real. So how do you concentrate and stimulate? I don’t really know, that depends on you, but I’ll tell you what works for me.

I stick to my passion. You lot have read me writing about boxing often. Well, that’s because I do it often. When I do it, I concentrate entirely on it. When do I feel like I’m “clicking” the most? When I’m boxing. When I’m coaching boxing.

My coach said he’ll train me for 1 pro fight. Concentration increases when I’m in the gym. Stimulation at an all-time high. It feels great.

So for me it’s about sticking with my passion. Understanding I must prioritize over almost everything. Sounds selfish. Maybe it is. But I think it’s the opposite. The days I start with boxing, the days I have my passion with me, those are the days I am my best self. And you don’t want to be around someone’s worst self, right?

Concentration creates stimulation. People, remember that. Thanks, Brené Brown.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.