A Sigh (or Sign) of Relief

Hi, everybody.

Well, I might have finally struck gold. Three members of my team at work left for another company recently and now they’re actively recruiting me. So much so that they’re willing to put interviews on my calendar for next Monday and Tuesday! I mean, we already have the second interview scheduled? They must love my LinkedIn profile quite a bit.

But it really is a huge stress reliever. This company wants to move fast and it’s a 50% pay increase. Also, it’s a job I think I would enjoy much more at a company that’s growing at an immense pace. Also, leadership looks solid across the board.

But I can’t count my chickens before they hatch (that’s the first time I’ve used that expression, I don’t know if I used it correctly) and I must make sure to stay focused on the task at hand: Absolutely crushing the interviews.

Wish me luck. I need a change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

WHAT DO I DO

Hi, everybody.

This will be quick because it’s just a freakout. It’s an issue I have EVERY SINGLE WORK DAY.

I need a new job. This shit is driving me nuts. Never have I been more lackluster in my efforts at a place of employment, even back in my serving and bartending days. The leadership sucks, the structure sucks, and our strategies suck. I need a way out – luckily I have an interview either later this week or early next week with another company that actually makes a damn difference in people’s lives.

But shit, I need to get out. When you’re struggling with your job, the worth of it, etc., what do you do to perk yourself up? Or do you just say fuck it, time to get a new job? I’m at the latter stages. I’ve given this job… about 5 months. It’s not getting better. If anything, it’s getting more and more disorganized. It’s shitty to see, but at least I’m seeing it for what it’s worth and trying to make moves out of it.

But again, WHAT DO I DO?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Broken Promise

Hi, everybody.

First, let me say I don’t know if I ever promised to stop writing daily. I said I wanted to. Things change (as I’ve mentioned in 25-50 blog posts here) and I decided to take some time right now to jot down some thoughts.

Mornings are long, nights are short.

My dogs are a blessing and a curse.

I want more freedom.

I would like to travel to Las Vegas for the Bud Crawford fight on November 20th but money will stop me from going.

Each day feels the same.

I’m missing that special someone in my life and I’m worried that I’ve broken too far apart from that side of me, leaving me alone for the rest of my life due to my failure to open up and be myself. I mean, it’s scary to tell people exactly who you are or how you act – more of what you’re capable of than anything else, really. It’s scary to others.

I box this Sunday. I’m kind of excited for it, kind of not. This was a rushed matchup so I don’t know what I’m getting myself into here.

I wish my mind was more creative. Like, a lot more creative.

Graphic design is something I wish I could create the patience for.

I am thinking about a lot more right now than I even thought.

My investments are doing well for once. That’s cool.

I need a new job. This one will do for now but man, I am bored.

I think that covers my thoughts for right now. I know you lot didn’t ask for them. What are you thinking about today? What’s taking the most mental real estate in your life right at this moment?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Dead End

Hi, everybody.

Another day, eh? It’s gloomy out today. Clouds everywhere, no sunlight available. Meh.

Usually I’m pumped about days like this because, well, I do like to nap. Nothing better than a nap on a stormy day. But today I don’t want to nap. Why? Because I feel like I’m heading in a direction that leads to a dead end (hence the title).

I can’t seem to find that “purpose” in my life with my current occupation and I believe I will struggle with this till I find a solution. Is the solution a new job? Most likely. Do I need to make sure I choose wisely moving forward? Yes.

But some of that stuff is out of my control. I don’t know when the right opportunity will present itself, all I know is that I’m quite miserable with what I’m doing nowadays. My drive for sales has really dropped off, maybe due to management, maybe due to me, maybe a mix of both. I need a solution. Someone sell me a solution, please.

But there are positives when I look a bit deeper. A former drug addict like myself has now held a “big boy” job for 4 years now, going on 5. Yes, I’ve switched companies twice, but that’s been on my terms. No termination! (Knock on wood).

I’ve also grown significantly both personally and professionally. I understand a lot more of what makes this world work, as least here in the US. I’ve had my thought of “everyone is just about money” validated through my 4-5 years of sales work. Most people really are just about money. It sucks. I very much dislike money because, well, it stresses me the hell out.

I think we are moving in the right direction, but I tend to stay on the weary side. What’s that saying? Hope for the best, expect the worst. That’s pretty much been my life, so I think I can continue on that path and stay positive. I understand and I am aware of what my capabilities are, what I bring to the table, and how I can impact this world. Now I just need to make things happen.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pushing On

Hi, everybody!

Hope your morning is off to a great start. Mine is, now I await my 9 AM “Boot Camp” for my new job. Not pumped. It’s very repetitive.

I did have a slight meltdown yesterday. I had some issues with my mental health provider and their front desk. No, I wasn’t being a Karen, I promise. But I wasn’t happy. I almost fired my Psych & Therapist, but luckily they somewhat talked me out of it.

But this goes to show you that no matter how great you’re feeling, that lil’ bastard in the shape of depression, anxiety, or both can appear any time they feel it’s necessary.

Yes, I know we do have control. But I don’t believe we do all the time.

I fought through. Talked to the right people in my support system. Made sure to take care of myself through the sport of Boxing. Hell, I even got headshots done in the evening.

I pushed on, through, whatever you want to call it. I was aware and not at ease — now I’m aware and at ease. It’s a nice feeling. But more growth is necessary. And inevitable.

Push on, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Half Day By Surprise

Hi, everybody!

I woke up this morning with three extremely painful fingers, a weak right wrist, lower back pain, and immense shoulder tightness. Wasn’t thrilled. Age is a factor when it comes to training, also my recovery sessions aren’t nearly good enough.

Well, I’ve told you lot before sometimes things just happen for us. I thought today I would have to sit in front of this computer and just sit in this slightly uncomfortable pain all day, but my boss messaged me early this morning.

“Have a good weekend?”

Easily, yes. I did have a great weekend. Not even a question.

He followed with, “Boot camp starts tomorrow, how about you take a half day today?”

Easily, yes. My body thanks you.

Now I get it, this is pure coincidence. “This won’t happen for me.” I can hear you yelling back at me already.

But I bet it does happen for you. Maybe not in this exact way, but the world isn’t out to get you. You might be out to get yourself, but no, the world isn’t out to get you. People might be, but you have the power to change who you surround yourself with, what you surround yourself with, and putting yourself in the right circumstances for good things to happen for you.

That’s what I’ve spent the last six months doing. Putting myself in better places, better circumstances so good things do happen. I couldn’t keep getting stepped on. I couldn’t get kicked anymore. I had to fight back and I had to make changes. I’m happy I did. I’m happy I realized I do have enough strength to beat my depression and anxiety, even if it’s just for a few moments a day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

A Weirder Than Normal April Fools’ Day

Hi, everybody.

This post isn’t necessarily about April Fools’ Day. I mean, as you lot know, I really have no clue what the fuck I’m going to write about 99% of the time on here. So let’s get into it.

This morning started with a… groggy me. I stayed up too late last night. Amazon purchases, putting together a desk, trying to get my office to not look like a 13-year Call of Duty player’s game room. I spent quite a bit of time starting off into space last night, just thinking. No bad thoughts–it was quite nice.

BUT let’s get into the funny thing this morning. As I mentioned, I woke up groggy, not all there. I called my friend after he messaged “I have some bad news.”

“—–, what’s up? What’s going on?”

“—–, the wife and I were talking last night and… well, I don’t think we’re spending enough time together so I’m getting rid of my gaming computer.”

Instantly I felt terrible. I’ve pulled him away from his wife multiple times to play “vidjie” games. To be quite clear, it is HIS choice and HIS fault he plays as much as he does (yeah, bro, I know you’re reading this). I will not let that man pass the buck. But fuck, did he get me good this morning. Heart dropped. Thought his marriage was over. Luckily it’s April 1 and, well, it was all a joke. Thank God. I love those two together. Even if the wife has a love/hate for me.

Another fun thing happened this morning. My boss sent out a company-wide email about my resignation. I told him he should of used this day to his advantage and tell the company I’m pursuing my dream of becoming a private dancer in a small town. Sadly he chose not to lose his job and just mentioned where I’m actually heading after I leave this company. I’ve received some very nice messages from my colleagues. It’s been really, really nice to read.

An update on how I’m doing trying to fool people today? Absolutely fucking terrible. I can’t come up with anything believable. I tried a broken wrist and a few other things I’m not proud to mention. I can’t decide if a subtle fool is more usable than a… scary fools, like me being accidentally impaled by my low fence in the backyard. I don’t know. I hope I figure out something.

Well, thank you for reading my post about absolutely nothing. I hope you lot have some fun today. Oh, remind me to get more sleep, OK? Thank you.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.