Tag: money

Broken Promise

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

First, let me say I don’t know if I ever promised to stop writing daily. I said I wanted to. Things change (as I’ve mentioned in 25-50 blog posts here) and I decided to take some time right now to jot down some thoughts.

Mornings are long, nights are short.

My dogs are a blessing and a curse.

I want more freedom.

I would like to travel to Las Vegas for the Bud Crawford fight on November 20th but money will stop me from going.

Each day feels the same.

I’m missing that special someone in my life and I’m worried that I’ve broken too far apart from that side of me, leaving me alone for the rest of my life due to my failure to open up and be myself. I mean, it’s scary to tell people exactly who you are or how you act – more of what you’re capable of than anything else, really. It’s scary to others.

I box this Sunday. I’m kind of excited for it, kind of not. This was a rushed matchup so I don’t know what I’m getting myself into here.

I wish my mind was more creative. Like, a lot more creative.

Graphic design is something I wish I could create the patience for.

I am thinking about a lot more right now than I even thought.

My investments are doing well for once. That’s cool.

I need a new job. This one will do for now but man, I am bored.

I think that covers my thoughts for right now. I know you lot didn’t ask for them. What are you thinking about today? What’s taking the most mental real estate in your life right at this moment?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

The Fun of Paying Bills

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Today is pay day! What’s that mean? Everything I earn gets dumped into 5+ bills! Woot woot!

I’m lucky and grateful to be able to cover my bills. Please don’t take this as me bitching. I understand many are not in the situation I am in and many are worse off. I’m here to chat if you need to chat.

However, something about getting paid and throwing it all into bills hurts the soul a bit. Granted, I am better off this paycheck than I was the past couple of months, so I’ve done a good job readjusting my budget and laying low on stupid purchases. Also, my debt is depleting and my investment portfolio is increasing. I feel good about that.

But I would like to take a trip. I really would. BUT! Have no fear, work is here to save me on that front. They’re bringing me down to Dallas next month (WILL I BREAK THE (now 72) DAY STREAK? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT).

But now it’s time to forget about the bills paid and understand my happiness, my life, everything, isn’t run by money or how much I’m making this week or next week. My happiness, my life, everything, it’s all run by me. It’s up to me being aware of each and every situation I’m in. Aware of the feelings I have when paying bills and feeling slightly defeated. Understanding and being aware of the constant ups and downs of life. Awareness to act, not react – that’s a huge one.

I’m grateful I can pay my bills. I’m grateful for so, so much. I’m grateful I get to write to you lot daily.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Money Still on My Mind

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t help that I see people with much more money than I have at a much younger age. I feel like I’ve failed to this point. My 401k is nothing special, my investments are shit, and my savings is more than lacking.

I’m drowning. I just want to not worry about money for a month or two. That’s it. But bills keep piling on. Medical expenses mainly. I need to get my wrist checked out because I can’t pick up anything with it but I can’t take on that medical bill. It’s just too much for me.

I ordered contacts today. That’ll be $200. When will I pick them up? Probably Friday after I’m paid. Because right now I’m back to living paycheck to paycheck. Actually I wouldn’t even call it living. I’m under stress every day from it even with paying my bills on time. I keep seeing the red get more red. I need it to stop. I need it to stop. But it won’t. I’ll stay in this cycle forever by the looks of it. It’s been over a decade like this. I have no clue how to fix it. No clue whatsoever. My only option right now feels like investments. Long-term of course, but fuck I need to handle my debt. I need to. It eats at me.

UGH.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Money Problems

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

I don’t have “money problems”. I mean, I do, but it’s more debt problems. Nothing major but it does bother me. One thing I haven’t figured out yet is how to properly manage my money, my budget, etc..

And without management, shit hits the fan. Like today when I logged into my accounts: YEESH. Can’t wait till Friday for my paycheck so I can pay off debt, pay off medical bills, and be exactly where I am right now. See, that’s the thing: The money never stops going out. It stops coming in, but it never stops going out.

I’m stressed. Everything that was going well for me is spiraling downward, including boxing. I’m losing it a bit. I’m waking up a bit later now, lacking motivation, and my thoughts before bed are horrendous.

I’m scared again. This should be titled “Problems”, not “Money Problems”.

Oh, I think this makes 50 days in a row. Yippee. Hooray. Meh.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

30 & Bored

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone.

You’ll most likely see “30” as a theme for a bit. Again, still a bit surreal to make it this far for me.

I’m bored as hell, man. I’m doing what I want to do, as you lot know, handling my boxing, my work, etc.., but something is missing. I rarely go out with friends anymore but I think that’s more due to my dislike of drinking nowadays. I can’t tell. Bottom line is I’m bored and it’s becoming a problem. It’s dripping into my head and telling me, “You suck, you should be doing something. What, are you going to just sit there and die? Doing nothing?” Yeah, the “dude” in my brain ain’t too nice sometimes.

Well, I think he’s wrong. Look at me, talking about myself like there’s two of me. This is normal, right? Nah, we all have that little bug. That bug telling us we aren’t enough. We aren’t doing enough. We’ll never being doing enough. But who’s to judge? I have a title fight to watch tonight and I’m excited to see if Devin Haney added power to his arsenal. That’s my Saturday night.

Tomorrow? Well, hopefully starting tomorrow off with sparring. THEN! Then I get to head to my best friend’s daughter’s first birthday party. No, I’m not excited about going to a kid’s birthday party, but I am pumped to see some friends.

So yeah, I’m 30 and bored as hell. Read more? Spend more time with my dogs? I really have no clue what to do. Travel? I’d love to. Problem? Money. Heh.

This blog is going nowhere. It’s time to relax, breathe, and relax and breathe again. Thinking about this shit doesn’t help. Writing isn’t helping for once. Weird.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Money Can Suck It

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Another day, another blog post. It’s lovely, isn’t it? Yeah, it’s super fun to read you bitchin’ and moanin’ all the time, man. I get it. But I have to write this shit out or it clouds my mind and I get NOTHING done. Just skim the blogs, man. Stop bitchin’ and moanin’.

Today I have a very simple agenda for this blog: Fuck money. I’m not poor and I have a decent job. It’s not that I’m super screwed or anything, not even close, but the idea of money pisses me off. The barriers money puts down drives me to the ground. I’m not even a hippie and it pisses me off. Crazy, right? Today I was paid. Right away I thought “OK, what bills should I pay right away?”

Like, what fun is that? The amount of stress we incur due to our expenses and income and all that jazz… just YEESH. Yes, we are in charge of our own emotions, our thoughts, how we view things. I get it. I get it.

Again, another day, another blog of nonsense. I still haven’t taken my first sip of my coffee. This one is my fault.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Accepting Help

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes you have to let go of your pride, your guilt, & just accept help.

No, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to myself. This is a hard thing for me to grasp.

As my neighbor behind me plays the national anthem at 7:12 PM CST (no idea why he plays it three times a day), I sit here on a tiny cushion in the middle of my freshly mowed lawn (oh boy do I love a freshly mowed lawn). I don’t want to hear the anthem followed by some talk radio show (again, why? Just why? Listen to it inside, listen to it with headphones, but don’t blare it across the fucking neighborhood), but it’s not that bad. I can still somewhat focus on what I’m writing about, I swear. It’s not like I’ve…

Shit.

Anyway, let’s get back to my problem of accepting help – specifically medical & financial help. It’s hard. I don’t know which one is more difficult for me – medical help means I’m weak (to me) & financial help means I’m weak (to me). However, I’ve been told that some of the deepest regrets come from not accepting a genuine attempt of someone trying to help you (yeah, I confused myself with that sentence, too). I kinda believe it. I also kinda hate the thought of being weak. I mean, I already feel that enough each & every day. Last thing I want to do is add to that feeling.

But maybe I’m just a fucking idiot. And maybe realizing that fact isn’t terrible in this circumstance. Why would my pride, my ego, any guilt be any reason I turn down help right now? I fucking need help. You’re reading this blog, you can tell I’m all over the damn place.

I’m being offered help & my stupid ass was pushing it away. Until I didn’t. I finally said yes. I said the word “yes.” I didn’t say it loudly. I didn’t say it proudly. But I said it. I said it. And I’m grateful not just for the support around me, the help I’m receiving, but also that I came to the right conclusion on this matter. I didn’t let my pride stand in my way for too long.

Never turn down help because you think you’re bigger than that. You aren’t. We’re all small here. That’s a reason we do better when we’re around others. People help people, I’ll say it till I die.

I really have no clue what you’ll pull from this blog. Honestly I don’t. I find myself writing just to write now, which is… refreshing. My buddy always says to end everything with a positive. I think I’ll stop here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.