Losing My Raw Side

It happened over a month ago. I had an altercation with a family member and we haven’t really spoken since. My girlfriend mentioned I’ve been different – almost distant – since the incident.

She’s right. The family member went after my mental health, claiming that I had not made any progress/changed in how I treat the people I care about. There was also physicality involved. It wasn’t a fun day. But I took that stain with me and still can’t seem to wash it off me. And what’s it doing to me? Dulling me out.

It sounds odd, but everything sounds odd to me nowadays. I am less of myself without the passionate/unbridled side of myself. I don’t talk about my feelings, I work like a robot, and I am little to no fun being around. I also can’t connect with anyone at any level – even in conversation. It’s almost as if the more rattled I am, the less control I have over myself, the more I am myself. Does that make sense? I have no fucking clue anymore.

But it’s a big deal. Why? I’m losing relationships in a different way now. Now I’m being told I don’t let people in, I don’t allow for a deeper connection, but all I’m trying to do is stay within myself and be aware of my behaviors towards others when I do involve my mind in literally everything. When I’m too passionate, I can lose the good side of me. The nice side. And that’s ugly and cost me quite a bit over the years. Like… a lot.

So which is worse? Is there a balance I can find? Less robotic yet no lashing out? Less lashing out and less robotic? I don’t know how to adjust. I thought I was doing everything to heal myself, everything to make sure I don’t hurt others anymore, but I’ve hurt people in different ways. I’ve been told “I don’t think you care anymore” so often recently. And it’s not true, I just don’t want to show how much I care because I’m not great at controlling it.

I’m quite lost, honestly. Outside of this, I didn’t know my mother was going through surgery for cancer, although thankfully it was found extremely early. She will be OK, knock on wood, but it would have been nice to know about my mom’s fucking health. I just don’t get to know anymore. Not only am I locking people out of my life, but I’m being locked out of my mother’s life, my father’s life, and more.

I feel so disconnected. Alone. Lost. I mean, I just lost another boxing match. It was close and a hell of a fight, but fuck. What am I supposed to be doing? I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I should be doing. There’s that saying that the purpose of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Am I even doing that? I don’t think so.

But how do I fix it? Can I fix it? Do I let it “run through me”, these feelings? What’s the resolve? I don’t fucking know.

I do miss being all of me. The passionate, angry, loving, everything me. But I can’t keep hurting people – I need to find balance.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Training To Train

Hi, everyone.

Still weirded out by the change WordPress made. Hopefully I can stop talking about it at some point.

Training to train. Bold title, right? I’m really running out of ideas. I’m just throwing shit at the wall and hoping it sticks at this point. Appreciate you lot for continuing to show support to this blog. Means quite a bit.

Training to train. Let’s get into it. What do I mean?

Well, as you may know since I’ve mentioned in 1,000x on this blog, I coach boxing. I used to compete in the sport, still think about competing, but I’m most likely staying where I’m at: A coach and forever a student of the sport.

I brought a new boxer to a new gym today. A more… dirty, rough type of gym–one in the hood. My coach always told me if the gym we went to spar at had air conditioning or too many fans, we were going to whoop that ass. He was usually right. It was about time to bring this new boxer to a different, less… well-equipped space. However, with that comes much tougher opponents, tougher coaches around, and the sum of it all is the boxer comes out better. The less provided, it sounds odd, the more the boxer gets out of it. Pushing themselves is what a coach needs to see. We can push you while you’re with us, but the goal is to get you to push yourself when we aren’t watching. Training with integrity.

The boxer was thrown off at first. Very different space. But she had some of her best mitt rounds with me in quite some time. That lack of comfort pushed her to another level this morning. She leveled up today. It was really great to see, along with a few other boxers.

But I messaged her after I dropped her off back at her home, “I need to train to train you.”

She replied, “What does that mean? Explain.”

I replied, “In order for you to continue to progress, I need to make sure I’m progressing as your coach.”

Took me a while to realize that. Quite some time. Maybe I’ve always been working to become a better coach, but now it’s a focus of mine. I do want to compete still, but that’ll take the back burner for now. I still have a few years left in my “prime”.

Now it’s about training to train. Progressing to reach new levels. Coaching with integrity.

I guess this is the first time I haven’t really spoken much on mental health on this blog. It’s odd for me, but hey, this blog can really be anything. That’s the cool part of all this. It’s my brain just spewing out shit. It’s healthy for me. I hope it’s healthy for you.

Continue working on yourself, no matter the difficulty.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.