Tag: depression

Hell of a Day

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I have to make this quick. Also, I can’t really look at the screen while I type. I’m actually in the middle of a meeting. This meeting is from 9 AM – 5 PM over the next two weeks, so I’ll give myself a break for a quick blog today. Don’t feel too bad about it.

Let’s talk about yesterday real quick. Hell of a day. Did I tell you lot that I got my female boxer matched up? I think I did yesterday. I might fight on the same card. Who really knows right now.

Also, my dogs busted their heads through my living room windows during a meeting with my VP of Sales at this company. Super awesome. Glass everywhere. Dogs were fine. I freaked out. Yelled. Felt guilt after my dogs looked scared. Apologized. Gave treats. Retreated.

Then I reached out with anger but my support system (Pops) noticed I was reaching out with frustration and stress. He let me go to the gym to get some boxing in while he came over and fixed up my patch job. He told me he’ll have the windows fixed my Saturday. The man is a miracle worker. I’d be lost without him, honestly – well, for the most part. At least with household chores.

I really do need to start paying more attention to this “Boot Camp” (orientation) for work. I’m glad I took the chance to write to you lot. Have a fantastic day. OH! And if you’re graduating soon, congratulations!

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Pushing On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Hope your morning is off to a great start. Mine is, now I await my 9 AM “Boot Camp” for my new job. Not pumped. It’s very repetitive.

I did have a slight meltdown yesterday. I had some issues with my mental health provider and their front desk. No, I wasn’t being a Karen, I promise. But I wasn’t happy. I almost fired my Psych & Therapist, but luckily they somewhat talked me out of it.

But this goes to show you that no matter how great you’re feeling, that lil’ bastard in the shape of depression, anxiety, or both can appear any time they feel it’s necessary.

Yes, I know we do have control. But I don’t believe we do all the time.

I fought through. Talked to the right people in my support system. Made sure to take care of myself through the sport of Boxing. Hell, I even got headshots done in the evening.

I pushed on, through, whatever you want to call it. I was aware and not at ease — now I’m aware and at ease. It’s a nice feeling. But more growth is necessary. And inevitable.

Push on, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Work “Boot Camp”

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

That exclamation mark is deceiving. I’m actually not excited whatsoever. It’s CULTURE time at the new company, meaning I have a two-week orientation starting today. And I’m not excited. I’ll probably tell you how unexcited I am about 50 times throughout this blog, if it lasts that long.

OK, but really, I’m not excited AT ALL. But I do like this company quite a bit, so I guess I’ll suck it up and push forward. Sometimes we have to do shitty shit in life to get to where we want to go. We all need to accept that. Your Instagram feed isn’t realistic, so don’t think that’s what life is supposed to be like. Life still comes with many ups and downs, lulls, and voids. Usually more of the latter than the former for most of us.

But stick in there. If you are about to embark on a two-week mission of misery, identify it. Then find a way to dominate it.

OPE! First “meeting” starts in five minutes. Gotta go.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Half Day By Surprise

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I woke up this morning with three extremely painful fingers, a weak right wrist, lower back pain, and immense shoulder tightness. Wasn’t thrilled. Age is a factor when it comes to training, also my recovery sessions aren’t nearly good enough.

Well, I’ve told you lot before sometimes things just happen for us. I thought today I would have to sit in front of this computer and just sit in this slightly uncomfortable pain all day, but my boss messaged me early this morning.

“Have a good weekend?”

Easily, yes. I did have a great weekend. Not even a question.

He followed with, “Boot camp starts tomorrow, how about you take a half day today?”

Easily, yes. My body thanks you.

Now I get it, this is pure coincidence. “This won’t happen for me.” I can hear you yelling back at me already.

But I bet it does happen for you. Maybe not in this exact way, but the world isn’t out to get you. You might be out to get yourself, but no, the world isn’t out to get you. People might be, but you have the power to change who you surround yourself with, what you surround yourself with, and putting yourself in the right circumstances for good things to happen for you.

That’s what I’ve spent the last six months doing. Putting myself in better places, better circumstances so good things do happen. I couldn’t keep getting stepped on. I couldn’t get kicked anymore. I had to fight back and I had to make changes. I’m happy I did. I’m happy I realized I do have enough strength to beat my depression and anxiety, even if it’s just for a few moments a day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Solid Sparring Rounds

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

Today is a great Sunday. Coach told me to go whoop that ass this weekend at a “rival” gym and that’s exactly what I did, and that’s exactly what our female boxer did to her sparring partner today. We walked out heads held high. I’m surprised we were invited back next Sunday.

I’m proud of my boxer. She works hard. Harder than me. Crazy thing? She’s in the middle of Ramadan. She doesn’t eat or drink anything if the sun is up. So think about that: She just sparred three 3-minute rounds, one with a pro, and now she goes the rest of the day without water or food.

You lot are probably reading this and saying “COACH, WHY ARE YOU LETTING HER DO THAT?”

She knows her body better than I do. And I trust her to tell me when she’s feeling tired. That’s what a good coach does. We don’t set limitations, but we understand them. It’d be counterproductive for me to set a limitation for her. She knows how hard she can push herself. We trust each other.

Good sparring rounds = one of my favorite ways to start the day. Made a couple guys quit today and for me, that’s huge. Last year at this time I was running a mile in 9 minutes and 17 seconds on average. Now I’m running it in 7 minutes and 6 seconds on average. And it’s only going down from here.

I’m working. I’m working towards something. We all should be working towards something. Find something that excites you. Go for it. Even if it means taking some punches to the gut, liver, and nose.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Make Time

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I almost made a crucial mistake today. I almost didn’t write to you lot. But I made time. (Do I always have to make the title make sense? I don’t know. Sometimes it’s cringe-y to do it.

Phew, that was close.

It’s another busy day. My weekends are usually jam-packed, but this weekend is a bit more mild–thankfully. No boxing training tomorrow afternoon. Just sparring at 9 AM mixed with training my Pops at 1 PM-ish. But the boxing isn’t done today. It’s just getting started.

Amateur boxing is back where I’m at! A show starts at 2 PM and my boxers will see amateur boxing for the first time. I bet you one of them decides not to box after the show. I think everyone else will be inspired and motivated by what they see.

Anyway, I NEED TO SHOWER AND LEAVE THE HOUSE! I appreciate you reading my shit. I really do. I hope your weekend is going well. If it isn’t, well, I’m sure you will figure it out. We always do if we try.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Fighting Your Toxic Thoughts

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everyone!

Hope everyone is havin’ a fantastic Friday. It’s a beautiful day here in the Midwest, honestly it is. I love the Spring months here.

OK, “fighting your toxic thoughts”, what do I mean by that? Well, there’s a specific example happening right now with one of my boxers. As you lot know, I am all ears when it comes to mental health and love when my fighters feel they can express their darkest, most inner secrets. Most of the time it’s one thing they’re hiding from the outside world: their mental illness(es).

It’s crazy to me how people, still to this day, are embarrassed by their mental struggles. EVERYONE struggles slightly with the mentals. Do you struggle more? Maybe, but that’s not the point in this blog or in life.

One of my boxers trained with me 1:1 multiple times, I’m talking countless hours, yet the boxer still comes up with excuses like “Ah, my mind just won’t work today.” or “I’ve just felt like crying all day.” And these are VALID things to bring up to your coach, don’t get me wrong. But the way you attack this as a boxer, as an athlete, as a competitor, as a human, is to understand that yeah, my mind might be a little bitch sometimes, but I can do something about it. Can I change everything about it? Oh hell no, not even close, but I may be able to buy myself some time if I really focus those efforts on what I can change.

Even though we’re all here with mental illnesses, we can’t let that be our shield while getting back into the world. If so, you’re never truly back. We can’t let our mental health be an excuse, although sometimes valid, to not be the best we can fucking be.

Let’s beat this shit, people. You, me, all of us, we can do it. Focus on what you can control. Screw the rest. Know you’re the best. Holy shit, I rhymed right there.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Mind

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

Hi, everybody.

You can tell I’m running out of topics. I think I’ve titled something like this before, but honestly can’t remember. Also, don’t feel like doing a quick search. Deal with it. However, it does look like I need to sit down and write down a list of possible future topics. For now, deal with it.

Morning thoughts aren’t like shower thoughts. Not crazy. Not profound in any certain way. Just thoughts. Usually lackluster thoughts but clear thoughts. At least that’s what mine are in the morning. More of a problem-finding type of deal than a problem-solving type of deal.

Does that make sense? Maybe? OK, good enough.

I can’t decide if I should truly take a day off from training, but I think my sore body will help my mind out with that decision.

I have a woman over that’s really nice but I would like some alone time today.

I overbooked myself again. Tonight will be a shitshow.

I’m tired. I wouldn’t mind if my morning thoughts rolled back into/under a blanket.

I love watching my dogs play in the morning. I think I’ll end with this, especially since I stopped writing to take some photos and videos. I completely lost my train of thought, and maybe that’s a good thing.

Let’s just enjoy this day. Enough thinking.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What Day is Today?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I feel like I’m still waking up. Hold up – let me take a sip of my coffee before I begin this bloggerooski.

OK, that was really good. Very good coffee. Dunkin’ Donuts really does not get the credit they deserve. Starbucks? Pfft. Scooters? Pfft. I do like Peet’s, though. A lot.

OK, what the hell are we talking about today? I guess the title leads me to how jumbled my mind is this morning. Also, my body is sore. As I’ve mentioned before, whenever I’m stressed it’s always beneficial for me to write. Is it beneficial for you to read what I write? Well, when you look at this blog and this blog alone, no. BUT maybe check out some of my past stuff. There’s quite a bit to choose from.

But really, what day is it?
Don’t worry. I know it is Tuesday.
Feels like a Wednesday. What does that even mean?

Told ya today the mind is jumbled. I think I just tried writing a haiku and failed on every level. Like, it’s not even close. I forget what makes up a haiku. It’s the structure of the poem, syllables, words, etc. if I remember correctly, but I’m not Googling it till after I publish this.

I swear I’m in a great mood today. Let’s just say my writing could use a little work. I need some ideas! I’m tired of talking about myself each and every time. If you have any ideas on where I could take this blog next, please let me know in the comments.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

EDIT: OK, I googled it:
hai·ku
1. Japanese poem of seventeen syllables, in three lines of five, seven, and five, traditionally evoking images of the natural world.
– A poem in English written in the form of a haiku.

Yep, I got the lines of three thing right. That’s about it.

Tired Hands

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

You didn’t think I was stopping at 7 days, did ya? I don’t know how long I’ll keep the streak going but my goal was 7 days and I hit it. WOO. Let’s keep this train chuggin’.

OK, moving on. My hands are legitimately tired. Typing right now is actually creaky/painful to a certain extent. Early arthritis in the hands–could use a hand massage every day (they are so lovely). But I’m not talking about our physical hands here. I’m talking about our mental grasp of things: what we’re able to do to help others when we’re rested compared to when unrested.

There’s a massive difference. Today I know I need to limit how much I give to others and to myself. I woke up with bags under the eyes, creaky hands (I mentioned that already), sore neck, shoulders, and one tired, tired mind. I need to recharge. I need to bring myself through that mental massage so my body, and more importantly my mind, is restored back to where it needs to be.

But sometimes life doesn’t give us a second to take our breath. That’s when we have to force our minds to prioritize our health over everything else. Right now I should be working, but I know where my head is at. I know I’ll be a more effective worker once I rehabilitate my mind for the day. Let’s start there.

Notice when you have tired hands. Take a step back. Breathe. Listen to your body. Listen to your mind. And as Richard Miller says, become “aware and at ease”, and progress.

I have no fucking clue if any of this made sense.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.