Tag: anxiety

New Streak?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I put up a post yesterday while I was lying in bed sweating. If you missed it, well you missed that I missed writing a post for the first time in 168 days or something. I woke up devastated (and hungover). But I read an excerpt of a great book and it pushed me right out of that negative space.

So now my thought is… do I build up a new streak? I mean, it did keep structure in my life. It kept me focused on the task at hand and you lot ended up being an army of therapists for me. It’s kind of nice, ya know? But there is stress that comes with having to write every day.

Now that I think about it (see, I always say writing is so very important to think things through), I don’t believe I’ll give a shit about a streak going forward. I want to provide good content for you lot, my audience. You don’t need fluff. You want to read good shit, not a bunch of words just to hit a damn streak.

But thank you. Thank you for sticking through the streak with me. Some of you read every single post. I really appreciated that. Some of you commented your own thoughts and built a small conversation with me, I am so grateful for that.

I hope this blog keeps growing. I need to figure out how to make it grow. I’m not in writing for money but I would love to reach a larger audience (insert ad – kidding). I would love to chat with more people. If you have any ideas, maybe even a website revamp, let me know. I love hearing from you.

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

I Didn’t Do It

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

I’m actually sweating in a hotel bed at 6:18 AM but it’s not because I’m hungover. Slightly. No, the real reason is this: I forgot to write yesterday. There goes the streak. 168 days in a row… then nothing. Now we restart.

But there’s a cheat code! Considering I don’t normally wake up this early, let’s call this yesterday. Just kidding, the streak is ruined. I even tried to backdate this post and it failed. This should not be hitting me this hard.

Why is this hitting me so hard?

I wish you the best. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

People Surprise You

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Today is about everyone else around me.

Have I told you I have a Pops that supports me no matter what?

Have I told you I have a best friend that would most likely run through a literal wall for me?

How about the person that’s picking me up from the airport even though I’ve been a dick? And guess what, she understands what the hell is going on in my mind and enjoys me for who I am. What the fuck? How. I can’t even do that.

I need to stop underestimating people and thinking I’m shit so you’ll obviously think I’m shit. I’m not shit. You most definitely aren’t shit. If anything, you’re fantastic. You’re out of this world.

People don’t surprise you. We’re just too damn narrow-minded to grasp the blessings around us. We are so focused on the future and making sure this and that are right that we don’t focus on the now and the individuals showcasing immense heart and love each and every minute of our lives.

We look too forward. At least I do. Ooo-wee (some of you may get that reference). But damn, I talk about gratitude and I just don’t show it. I don’t walk the damn walk. I need to start doing that. I really do. Not just for me, but for you.

It’s off to Dallas for a work trip. See you lot down south.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Tomorrow I Travel

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

My titles are becoming quite matter-of-fact, aren’t they? It’s true–I am traveling tomorrow. Nothing exciting, just another trip down to Dallas for work. I’ll actually be back on Tuesday evening, so I’m not going to be there for long.

Today was hectic so far. I spent the morning coaching and training per usual, but followed it up with some complicated relationship shit and a bunch of a chores. I can’t decide which one was more tiring: relationship shit or chores. I think it was the stuff involving feelings. I seem to not be very good with those anymore. Was I ever? thinks back

I’m excited to travel because it gets me out of the house and out of my routine but not for too long. I’m ready to get out of the house. It will be nice to work from an office for a day or two I suppose. We’ll see. I mean, you lot know you will hear from me throughout the trip. That’s a given.

Make sure you enjoy the rest of your freakin’ day, OK?

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Quotes From the Same Damn Book

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Things are a bit better today. I’m about to try a 10-mile run. Fun, right? I hope so.

It will be. What am I saying? I decide if it’s fun or not, not the run itself.

transition

Let’s go through some quotes from that one book I’ve been reading for… about two months, maybe longer. I really need to finish this damn thing. Anyway, the book is by Michael A. Singer, titled “The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself”.

It sounds cheesy and sometimes it is, but most of the time it isn’t. You take the good with the bad, right? Let’s get into it.

When you’re lost and struggling with all these psychological and energetic changes, you are suffering. White it may not seem to you that you’re suffering, compared to what it can be, you are suffering. In truth, the very responsibility of having to hold it all together is itself a form of suffering.

It’s a full-time task just to maintain the discipline necessary to create even the semblance of control and order in there (the psyche).”

When you truly awake spiritually, you realize you are caged.

Limitations and boundaries only exist at the places where you stop going beyond. If you never stop, then you go beyond boundaries, beyond limitations, beyond the sense of a restricted self.

So yeah, I liked those little pieces of the book. I only have a couple more chapters to go. It’s really one of those “take a little bite at a time” type of books if you know what I’m saying.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Where I’m at Today

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

If you read my post from yesterday (about two sentences), you know I’m not in the greatest place right now. Days are again starting to repeat, and my “way out” turned out to be a big fat rejection yesterday that shocked me back down to a depressed state.

Yes, I know. Why am I complaining? I still have a job and I still have everything I had before this opportunity came up. I get that. But I don’t work this hard at everything in my life to just stay in the same place every single day. I look to improve, and right now I’m not seeing any improvement. If anything, all I notice is a decline.

So yeah, I’m not in a good place today. I haven’t eaten and the only thing I did for myself was go for a workout. I spar later today and I do feel bad for those that step in the ring with me. I have quite a bit of frustration and anger to let out.

Anyway, I’ll stop bitching. I’m just not in a good place and I don’t have anyone to talk to about where I’m really at in my head, and it’s scary. I hope you’re in a better place.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

NERVOUS

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 2 Comments

Hi, everybody.

Quick post today. Wish me luck. I have a huge interview at 3 PM CT that could really change a lot for me. I’ve prepared for it but you know how our brains work – very unpredictable.

I’m hoping the best of me comes out. I tried everything in my power so far to pull him out – boxing, running, walking the dogs, eating a little something. It doesn’t seem to be working but maybe by 3 PM I’ll have a bit less anxiety.

I really hope I do well here.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Writing Out the Nerves

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

Look, I’m nervous. I have the interview that I’ve been thinking about ALL WEEKEND in just an hour or so. I plan on getting out of this meeting, going for a brief mile run, and taking some deep breaths.

I mean, my hands are already sweating. I don’t usually get nervous for these things.

I wanted to tell someone so I’ve decided to tell you. Voicing nerves and anxiety helps me beat those damn things. I know I’m ready for the interview. I know I’m a fantastic candidate. Now it’s time to truly show that through genuine belief in myself.

My therapist mentioned the “reparent” myself. Now’s the time to do so. Wish me luck! I’ll update you tomorrow.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Update: Success. Moved to the final interview. That mile jog really did the trick for me.

Super Prepared

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody.

OK, today’s post won’t be about nothing. Don’t even bother reading yesterday’s post. That was an absolute train wreck. I’m scared to even go back and look myself.

Today is a GREAT day! First I started with some sleeping in – it felt nice. My puppy did not enjoy it AT ALL. I’ve never seen him look more starved (don’t worry, he eats PLENTY). I slept till about 8:30 AM and rolled out of bed, fed the dogs of course, swept, showered, walked the dogs, then I got to do something that’s really, really fun for me. I got to go coach a really cool little six-year old. He’s actually technically sound and has some power, and he’s only six! I talked with his mother today and it looks like she does want him to compete, so we could see the little guy competing in boxing (in a safe manner) as early as eight years old! A pretty fun development this morning.

Then I got my work in. Love getting my work in. Music blasting and head down, slamming the heavy bag after shadow boxing an imaginative opponent for a couple of rounds. I followed that with some battle rope work and medicine ball slams, all capped off with a 3-mile run that felt oh so good.

What a day so far, right? Well, I’m not even to the present yet. I came home and made a killer sandwich. You know how I always talk about “small happinesses”? That’s one of them. I really cherished the shit out of that sandwich today. Oh, and I had some AMAZING red kimchi with it. Mhm, mhm, good.

My dogs are really calm today. Both asleep right now. It’s great because I’m actually nervous for tomorrow. I spoke briefly at a tremendous career opportunity coming up here tomorrow. The second interview. I’m focused and I’ve done my research. Hell, I even have thoughtful questions typed out and ready to go for tomorrow already. I feel good about it.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if I do get this job… well, a lot of my money stressors drop out of my life. And the prospect of that is so freeing. But again, I can’t get ahead of myself. I can’t think I’ve already won. I must stay in the moment, be aware of how I’m feeling and more importantly, how I’m responding, and go from there.

I’ll update you lot as I always do. I really hope you’re having an amazing Sunday and get a great start to the week.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.