Tag: anxiety

Perspective

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

“It’s all about perspective.”

How many times have you heard that throughout your life? Shit, it gets annoying, doesn’t it? Sucks that it’s 100% factual, doesn’t it?

This will be a short post. Felt like writing here this morning. Had a bit too much coffee, or maybe just the right amount of coffee, depending on my perspective.

See what I did there?

Anyway, the point here is you can change the way you think of things, the way you look at things, the feelings you have about yourself. You have that power. No one else does. ONLY YOU. Remember that as you move forward through your day. I’ll try to do the same. Don’t worry, we’ll get through this shit together.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Story Time #1 – One Lives for Two

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I’ve been thinking, & I think it’s about time you lot get to know me a bit more. No, not my name, location, etc., but some moments in my life I believe impacted me in a certain way (neither all good or all bad).

So, with that said, we’ll call these installments “Story Time” – I can’t think of anything better right now. One of my many English professors told me multiple times to just “throw up on the page” when writing, so here it goes: My mantra explained.

The way I recall this event may be slightly different than how it actually happened. My Pops is the only family member that knows about this blog, so he may pick out some errors if he decides to read this. But hey, we can’t change our memories. This story takes place when I was four, almost five. My brother nine, & my mother & father in their late 30’s – early 40’s. I’m actually sitting on the couch in the same home this all happened. Eery, really. I don’t enjoy it much here.

I really get off track quickly, don’t I?

Anyway, about that mantra I’m supposed to explain. It’s “One lives for two”, & it’s for my late brother.

Flashback to 96′, it was a blindingly sunny day in the backyard, early summertime. Kids running, laughing, screaming, & of course, playing every single sport known to mankind. I remember my parents served pizza that day, but I couldn’t eat it. Stupid gluten. I was really mad about that. Next thing I remember is my brother collapsing in the backyard. Again, I could be misremembering, but I do remember a frenzy. Things I couldn’t understand. Things happening so fast. No more laughing. Only screaming, running, & crying. No one knew what to do.

My parents took control. One gave CPR, the other called for help. Neighbors booked it up the street to alert the cop on our block. His wife said he was too busy sleeping to come help. What a guy, right? Fuck that guy. He ended up divorced, go figure.

I stayed the night away from my brother. I stayed at a neighbor’s house. I don’t remember a single thing we did. All I remember is sitting on my bed the next day, parents slouched in front of me letting me know Nick wasn’t coming home.

Last Wednesday, my parents & I took a small tree to his gravestone. After my parents stepped away as we were leaving, I took a step back towards him. “You’re an asshole for leaving me here alone,” I said, laughing & crying. I hope he got a good laugh out of that.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hi, everybody!

I told you things change. Yes, I may be temporarily staying at my parent’s house right now but I am so ready to purchase a house. More money in my savings account than ever! Who woulda thought crippling depression increases what’s in your wallet?

I’ve been on quite a few dates since you & I last spoke. Some strictly carnal, but I may or may not have a new “girlfriend” or someone I’m “exclusive” with. I honestly hate labels. Applies too much pressure if you don’t have the right state of mind. Anyway, it feels good to be wanted again. Also, moving back to my hometown brought me much joy thus far. I’m going out with friends (wearing a mask, calm your tits) more, I recently saw my buddy from NJ – sadly he was hit with some alcohol poisoning so really I just annoyed him as he tried to sleep off a massive headache.

I have more to write about than I have for the past eight months & it feels so damn good. Everyone, keep fucking fighting. Yes, I still have my issues. Yes, I still lose my cool quite often. Yes, I’m still wondering where this live leads. However, I know more about myself now than ever thanks to a little friend called depression.

You can fucking do this, you know that? I really hope you do. I was very close to ending things for myself over the past few months. Hell, sometimes I still think about it, but I won’t do it. Thanks to you guys, I definitely won’t do it. What would by 86 followers (mainly bots) do without my writing? I’m WAY TOO IMPORTANT.

Nah, seriously. I am too important to get rid of myself. You are, too.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Checking In

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

Hey, everybody. Hope you’re all doing spectacular.

I haven’t put anything down on paper recently, and I really don’t have much to say today. I just felt like checking in with you lot.

I will say this morning has been easily my best morning in quite some time, especially after moving in with my parents for a short while so I can look for a good house/maybe a new state to live in.

I’m grateful for what I have, I really am. I need to remember that every day.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Holding On

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

In my last post, I mentioned I was moving out of my first home ever purchased. So far, to the naked eye, it’s seemingly going great. I have food at my disposal at my new place of residence, people taking care of my laundry, etc.. The only problem: I’m almost 30 years old staying with my parents as I search for a new house.

I have a career, some money saved up, I know. It’s not bad. It could be a lot worse. I understand that. However, I’m still without passion. I still count down the hours of the day. I still can’t find anything to hold on to. I’m lost, & now more lost without a place to call my home.

I’ll find something soon enough. Problem there is, I don’t really know if I want to stay in this city. I don’t know if I want to stay in this state. I don’t know if I want to stay in this country. I’m just lost, man. I need something to hold on to.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Moving Out

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

This Sunday I move out of the first home I’ve ever purchased. It’s surreal in many ways. First, I never thought I’d get to say that sentence or even get through the first few stages of buying a home. Second, I never thought I’d sell my home this quickly after purchasing it (two years). And third, I don’t have a next home picked out.

That last part is a bit scary. I’m about to be living at my parent’s again. That’s strange, especially for someone my age. But hey, I have a good career, a 401k, etc., etc.. I should be fine, right?

This is my second to last night here. I’m sure I’ll write more once I leave, but right now I’m going to pack up a few more things & sprawl out on the open floor with my dogs. Have a great night.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Morning Monster

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

If you’re like me, you wake up without a clue on how you’ll feel for the rest of the day. And guess what? It’s our choice on how we want to feel. Now, do we get to that point of feeling good? That’s always up in the air.

I go to bed scared. Honestly, I do. It’s why I’m usually up till two, sometimes four in the morning. It’s scary as fuck to wake up. To bring your mind through its own warzone each & every day.

Wake up, look in the mirror, say you’re shit, take a shower, feel a bit better, get some food in ya, play with the dogs, see if the sun is out. Sun is out? Ah, damn, looks like you need to fill your day with shit. Ah, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, can’t really see anyone. What now? Do you read tonight? Maybe study? Will you have focus for that? Do you have any focus right now? Eh, maybe it’s best if you do everything tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better, right? Has to be.

I swear this thought process happens every morning for me right now. I don’t see an end to it. Each day is relatively the same. Yet, I do have my good days. These are days I need to build from. Days I need to recount when I’m having those shitty moments in the morning. Remember on long drives that I don’t always think negatively about myself. Stop torturing myself for my past.

Life’s full of ups & downs & guess what, we have to fucking deal with them. I’m sorting out mine. I hope you are, too.

Real quick, I read a quote not too long ago, forgive me for not remembering where I found it, but I want to put it on here.

“It’s OK to look in the past, just don’t stare.”

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Uncertainties

~ Henry Butterfly ~ Leave a comment

All of us have them. I mean, just look at today. Did I wake up today thinking they’d finally announce who won the presidency? Nope. I thought it’d take longer. I was uncertain about it.

This flows into almost everything in my life right now, outside the love I have for my family, friends, & of course the doggos. I don’t know what I’d like to do for work, even though many think I’m very happy with my current career. I’m scared as shit to move out of my house, even though many think I’m only experiencing excitement with the move. The list goes on & on.

But that first thing I mentioned is important to remember. We all live with uncertainties. What I’m living through is no more special than what you are living through, or what your significant other might be going through. It’s up to me to figure out how I feel about certain things in my life, how I’ll respond, & how I’ll combat any negativity down the line.

I’m uncertain about quite a things in my life, but I’m not uncertain about my strength.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Standing Firm

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

It’s not easy to do. Each day you wake up you’re faced with what seems like a minimal impact decision: Do I get out of bed?

It’s important to get out of bed, especially if you struggle with mental health. If you don’t get out of bed, you’re compounding the misery. It’s not an opinion, it’s a fact. Giving yourself leeway, however, isn’t wrong to do. Sometimes it’s important, but whatever you decide on, stand firm on that decision.

This morning, for example, I woke up at a decent time. I don’t have a working shower so I’ve been using the gym till the plumber fixes the pipes at my house. I woke up & immediately thought, “There’s no way I get to the gym, shower, and back in time to get anything done for work.”

Now normally, at least over the past 6-7 months, I would’ve rolled over in bed & said fuck it. Today, however, I stood firm in what I planned to do today. I got out of bed, had one of the most lackluster gym sessions I’ve ever had, but guess what? I got out of bed. I did what I told myself I would do. I made the rest of my day less stressful due to that decision.

It doesn’t sound like much. And really, it isn’t much. But do what you can do to help yourself. Don’t let that little evil guy or girl inside your brain tell you no. Stand up to that fucker. Tell yourself I can do this. I will do this. And in turn, you’ll be able to say “I did it.”

Stand firm, people.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.

Rescheduling

~ Henry Butterfly ~ 1 Comment

This week was a shitstorm, and it could’ve been handled much, much better. How? Well, by not procrastinating on every little & big thing. Outside of work, I waited last minute, sometimes asking for an extension on deadlines, on everything. GRE? Rescheduled. Another house showing? Rescheduled. Halloween? Rescheduled (till next year). I just didn’t have it in me this week, but each night before bed I told myself I’d be better the next day. I wasn’t. It just kept coming. Compounding my misery each & every new morning, making the mountain feel too tall to climb.

Yet here I am, at the end of the week on a Sunday scrambling to get everything done. And guess what? I did it. Proper forms over to the lender, test rescheduled (yes, yes, I know – just do it. I WILL!), bills paid, credit card handled, stuff moved into storage, & I still have time for a couple drinks with a few old best friends.

What’s the lesson here? Well, if you can avoid fucking yourself over with procrastination, do that. If not, realize that life isn’t over because you didn’t pay your citation on time or didn’t get the laundry done today. Adapt when needed. Grow from that change.

I wish you well. Try not to beat the shit out of yourself.